Hey guys!

Oh my gosh!

I just got back from a whirl wind trip to New York City!

NEW YORK CITY!

Can you say it like the Pace Picante Sauce commercial?

Cause that’s what I always think of whenever I say “New York City.”

NEW YORK CITY!

See!

I just did it again!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA!!

Oh my GAWD!

I can’t stop laughing over the funniness of that!

NEW YORK CITY!

Bwah haw haw har hwar hwah hwawha ho har har hee hee haw hwah hwarh HO!

So So SO HILARIOUS!

But seriously guys!

Did I tell you about that one time I was on our Vail Vacation and I was skiing down a trail and suddenly my hips started to give weigh under the bounteous firmament that exists beneath my flowy tops?  It was SO SCARY!  I started to wheeze and snurfle and gag and chortle and sing opera and yodel and all while struggling to hold onto seventeen cans of sweetened condensed milk (that I always keep with me in case of an emergency) and that’s when I discovered that I couldn’t breathe!  Plus I was lost in the mountains and then there was also my acl.  Oh my goodness!  You don’t even want to know about my acl and how funny it is because HELLO!  I have a doctor daddy who knows exactly what an acl is!

But enough about my doctor daddy!

Let’s get back to my lost aloneness with hurty hips and sweetened condensed milk on the ski slopes of Vail!

So there I was guys!

Lost!

And ALONE!

And with super hurty hips!

Not to mention my ACL!!!

Have I told you about my ACL yet?

What about my doctor daddy…..?

So I was trying to ski my way back home to the comfort of our cushy condo and a gigantic steaming bowl of pork chili topped with devilled eggs, whipping cream and chocolate ganache when suddenly I started to cry!

I know!

How weird for me to confess to any other kind of emotion than a super saccharine, sunny non-stop optimism that stems from a cheery vacancy of the mind!

But there I was!

Frozen.

Aching

Hungry

Abandoned

And worried that I would die on a ski slope in Vail all by myself without even a single camera around to record my final dimple flash!

It was SO frightening!

But then I turned my head slightly to the left and realized that I had never even left the condo yet!

Oh my GOSH!

What a RELIEF!

Just imagine if I had died!

Can you visualize the giant sucking hole that would have ripped open in the universe!

Who would educate my children?

AND WHO WOULD FEED THE WORLD!

I feel like I should just drop to my knees and say a prayer right now that nothing bad happened to me while I was on vacation!

Please bow your heads and pray with me….

Dear Lord,

Thank You So Much for not letting me die on the ski slopes in Vail from a broken acl, hurty hips and from being alone without a camera crew to record how cute I was even in the throes of death.  I think we both know Lord, that I have long been your favorite and even though you might want me up there in heaven with you, it is probably even better for me to continue to be a famous blogger/writer/photographer/television star/cook/mama/and wife to my hubby of the heavenly haunches until I am totally old and gross and no longer relevant.  Then you can beam me up Scotty!  Hee hee!

Amen.

Now let’s make a salad!

BECAUSE GUYS!

When I was in New York City this week

(NEW YORK CITY!!!!)

I had a salad!

And it was so yummy!

No, you don’t understand.

My salad was the yummiest salad you could possibly ever imagine!

Because it was MY salad.

Surely that clears it all up.

So there I was

In New York City

(NEW YORK CITY!)

Just like I always am!

Doing my famous blogger, photographer, writer, mother, wife, and especially COOK for all the world to see, when suddenly I was

confronted by the world’s most incredible salad.

Floating in front of me like a UFO!

And a little man standing behind the floating salad began to ask me what I would like in my salad and I found that I was suddenly struck dumb by both the beauty of the salad and the extra terrestrial encounter I was having and I could only communicate by pointing!

And so that’s what I did!

I pointed my way to the most incredible salad in the history of salads!

Why do all of these amazing things always happen to ME?

Oh my GOSH!

Here’s how I pointed out my most amazingest salad of all time!

I pointed at the olives!

I pointed at the ham!

I pointed at the cheeses!!

And the butter!!!

And the JAM!!!

I pointed at the pickles!!!

I pointed at the YAM!

Give me those marshmallows buddy!

I screamed at the little man!

Then I grabbed a bottle of hot sauce!

Cuz you know I love the heat!

And some jalapenos baby

Me this salad will complete!

Since this salad was my baby

I began to lactate hard

And that is the end of this rhyme cuz mama ain’t no bard.

Besides, it’s time to top this salad with a little something I like to call…

Blue Cheese Salad Dressing!

I love Blue Cheese SO MUCH!

I can’t ever get enough of it!

Never, ever, ever, EVER!

I just want to bathe in blue cheese salad dressing!

I want to shower in it!

Oh my gosh guys!

If this is what drowning feels like, then bring it to me baby!

Mmmmm.  Mmmmmm.  Mmmmm.

The only thing better than eating blue cheese salad dressing, is being covered in it from head to toe!

Who wants to lick mama off?

Delicious!

Now, tump that big ole bowl full of creamy, dreamy yummy tum tummys onto a cutting board.

And let the chopping commence!

Don’t forget to add some more blue cheese salad dressing!

Be generous!

Be kind!

Don’t even think about holding back!

Because why would you?

The pure decadence of this salad will change your life forever!

And then go ahead and jump on in!

And remember!

If your salad doesn’t stick to you, it isn’t going to taste very good.

I can’t wait to decide what to eat next!

Pie Near Woman

You know what?

There is nothing like a good vacation to bring your family closer together!

Re-connect!

Remember what you love about each other!

And then blog about it all over the internet!

So here are a few of my favorite ski vacation memories!

Enjoy!

Oh my goodness!

The guys gave Pesky SUCH a hard time about his helmet!

It was so endearing!

And precious!

The men folk in our family just love to kid around!

When you are a world famous blogger, sometimes vacations are a time to remind your loved ones about personal boundaries!

These next photos show me and Missy having a minor altercation, but don’t worry!

Missy learned a valuable lesson and we are JUST FINE!

Like I said.

Me and Missy are just fine!

She just needed to remember that some of us have actual careers.

And that doesn’t stop just because we are on vacation!

And what’s a vacation without a little romance?

Marlboro Man and I spent time together and were reminded that our love is still alive and not just a fabrication for the world wide web!

So that was my vacation everyone!

As you can see it was

so painfully fun!!!

that we almost didn’t survive!

Thank you for sharing this special time with me!

If I didn’t have you guys, I would feel so terribly, terribly, terribly

TERRIBLY ALONE!

Promise you won’t ever leave me?

Promise?

No really…

I actually need you to promise!

Thanks!

Love you even harder back!

Pie Pie

Hi everyone!

Hello?

Hellooooooo!

Does my blog look so totally different to you today?

Can you guess why?

Can you?

What if I give you a hint?

It starts with a V

FOR…

VACATION!

Can you guess where we are!

We are in VAIL COLORADO!

WHICH IS IN THE MOUNTAINS!

I love the mountains SO MUCH!!!

First I love the prairie because hello?

What’s not to love about it?

Here’s a little ode to the prairie that I just whipped up just this second guys!

Enjoy my brilliance!

_______________________________

Hot,

Windy,

Cold,

Windy

Dry,

Brown,

And windy, dindy!

Cows are everywhere!

Everywhere!

EVERYWHERE!

And also…

Scary Poors,

But don’t be sad!

There’s always!

SONIC!

__________________________________________

Hey guys!

Can you tell who the guys are in the above picture?

I KNOW!

It’s like…

WHO ARE THEY???

Seriously!

Who are these guys?

In their vintage sweaters and their snappy little hats?

I think Paco is wearing a dickie for goodness sakes!

And I am not even joking about that!

(And please try not to notice Pesky’s helmet guys!  He is super sensitive about it.)

We are having such a good time!

The mountains are cold

and big

and full of snow!

How’s that for some stellar travel writing?

I KNOW!

And to think that millions of people read this blog every single day!

Plus snowball fights!

Oh my gosh!

THE SNOWBALL FIGHTS!

It’s so cute!

EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY IS SO ADORABLE!

And then MORE SNOWING!

More skiing!

And even MORE SNOWING!

It’s totally tubular man!

The fun of us never stops!

Ha ha ha!

More of my fabulous ski vacation coming up soon guys!

Try not to keel over from anticipation!

Love you so much!

Is there anything more important in life than teaching your children how to think independently and to be creative?

As a writer and a blogger, web site designer and most importantly a Chreeshin homeschooling mom, I know how important it is to cite my sources!  And I would never want to steal another person’s ideas and pretend that they are my own!

NEVER!

EVER!

Because that would be a filthy lie!

UNLESS OF COURSE…

We are talking about my super creative, independent thinking and incredibly entrepreneurial home-schooled children!

Then all bets are off!

If my daughter wants to copy a card design from an Etsy artist in every single detail from the illustrations to the word choices to the super cute rounded corners and then post step by step instructions on how to make those exact copies on her Auntie Ree Ree’s famous blog – why should I try and stop her!?!

She’s only a child for goodness sakes!

A small and innocent child!

She’s not responsible for knowing about stealing other people’s ideas!

That’s MY JOB!

AND BESIDES!!!

It’s not my responsibility to teach my kids how to cite their sources!

That’s GOD’S JOB!

And if plagiarism was SO IMPORTANT TO JESUS don’t you think it would show up in the BIBLE!

Which it DOESN’T!!!

NOT EVEN ONCE!!!

So if plagiarism doesn’t matter to GOD why should it matter TO ME!

And that is why it is perfectly okay for my tiny little girl to steal another artist’s ideas off of the internet, fail to properly cite her sources, and then post step by step instructions on the internet!

Hey!  Everyone wins right!!!!

Ree makes money, I make money and my little girl ALSO makes money!

Oh yes… and also the original artist will make some money too because we did after all put up a few links at the very bottom of the post to her site!

And you better believe that when she starts to make a little money off being plagiarized by a famous blogger, she will bend right over and take it straight up the butt!

After all!

Getting screwed over by a famous blogger like little ole Ree Ree is a complete and total HONOR goddammit!

And it teaches my daughter important and valuable lessons in independent thinking and entrepreneurship!

So let’s review what we have learned today…

Steal other people’s ideas.

Never give them credit.

Pretend like they are your own…

But if you do get caught.

Just take the offending post down and pretend like it never happened.

It works every time people!

Can I hear an amen!

Guys.

Seriously.

All I wanted was a donut.

Is that really such a crime?

Just a donut!

Why is that so horrible?

WHY??

It’s just a freakin’ donut!

What did I ever do to make eating a donut such a crime?

I don’t deserve to be hated for this.

Just because I have grown a thick, well marbled layer of fat on my back that even my flowiest tops can no longer disguise, doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve the occasional convenience store apple fritter!

Besides!

It was totally calling my NAME!

I was powerless to resist it!

And anyway!!!

How long since I had indulged in a purely decadent treat?

Three hours?

FIVE!?!

SEVEN!?!?!

No one should have to suffer so long!

I was practically fainting from hunger!

I needed sustenance!

And quick!

My violent back fat be damned!

But the donut case would not cooperate!

I couldn’t get it to open!

It was stuck fast!

I yanked harder.

And harder!

But it just wouldn’t give!

Until suddenly!

It opened just a crack!

And I found myself dangling from the donut case by just my leg!

My leg was trapped!

It wouldn’t budge!

I could feel it slowly going numb.

First my toes, than my calf, then my massive thigh began to turn blue.

I was about to lose a limb!

I started to PANIC!

HELP!

RHONDA!

RHONDA!

HELP!!!

But Rhonda did not come to my aid!

So I did the only thing I could think to DO!

I heaved all my weight against the case to try and free my DYING LEG!!!

It worked like a charm!

My leg sprang free!

But now my head was stuck inside the donut case!

Oh my GOD!

I was choking to death!

The lid of the case was totally crushing my larnyx!

I couldn’t BREATHE!

I was being suffocated by a DONUT CASE!!!

“Help me Marlboro Man!!!” I rasped through my pulverized larnyx as loud as I could!

But MM didn’t come to help me!

So I pushed the case off of my neck all by myself!

And within seconds, I felt oxygen rushing back into my bloodstream.

My brain was saved!

MY BRAIN WAS SAVED!!!

But I was STILL STUCK!

And I was running out of strength.

A weariness born from my sedentary All-American ranching lifestyle coupled with a steady diet of highly refined carbohydrates and saturated animal fat began to overtake my being.  To put this simply…

I was drowning in a river of my own lard!

“Never Fear” I told myself!  Surely Marlboro Man would see me soon!

After all…

How can you possibly miss a large squealing woman trapped inside of a donut case?

But Marlboro Man was nowhere in sight!!!!

So mustering my last ounce of strength,  I pushed my head out of the case and began to scream for help!

But nobody responded to my cries!

No one!

Nada!

No one was paying any attention to me!

It was like I had entered a parallel universe where I was just another rural housewife, subsisting on fatty farm recipes from the seventies and eighties while protecting my kids from the local ranch rabble by homeschooling them in traditional subjects like strawberry jam 101 and how to hollow out a bread bowl!

IT WAS A NIGHTMARE!!!!

And that’s when I knew what I had to do!

I stuck my thumb inside of my mouth and began to rock back and forth.

Back and forth.

BACK AND FORTH.

Until I had created enough momentum to bash open the donut case!

I threw all of  my violent back fat straight into the walls of the donut case!

I felt myself hurtling through space!!!!

I was falling

Falling

Falling

Falling

Falling

FALLING!

FALLING

FALLING!!

FALLING

FALLING

FALLING

FALLING

FALLING

FALLING!!!!!!

And then I hit the ground.

But only for a second as my jiggly ass bounced me up into the donut case once again!

And I landed face first into a cake donut that was simply covered in Valentine sprinkles!

It.

Was.

Divine!

But I didn’t have the strength to hang on for long!

I felt myself slipping back to the ground!

Not wanting to lose my longed for delectable treat, I had to think fast!

I grabbed the donut with my teeth and held on for dear life as my body catapulted back to the floor one last time!

It was a triumphant moment for me!

I had won!

I had defeated the donut case and brought home a sweet trophy to boot!

Once a champion…

Always a champion!

Everyone in the gas station stopped what they were doing and looked my way!

I was totally back on top of my game!

On top of the WORLD!

Right where I belonged!

But then strangely…

I suddenly felt a little foolish!

Why do I always have to go to such extremes?

Did I really need a donut that badly?

Why does everything I do have to be so ludicrous?

Questioning myself for the first time in my life, and feeling a little bruised and bloody, I was relieved to hear a soft voice asking me if I was okay.

The voice wafted towards my ears on a breeze infused with the scent of freshly cut hay, bright morning sunshine and a meadow full of wild lilac!

It could only mean one thing!

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Tia Juana!!!

The Illegal Native had returned!

Her skin was alight with the essence of a thousand mist filled mornings.  Her hair radiated starshine.  Her eyes were two soothing dark pools of Parisian chocolate.  I wanted to wrap myself in her braids.  I wanted to lay against her breast and latch onto the ancient circadian rhythms of all the earth women who controlled the world’s destiny through their thunder speak.  I wanted to have her and to be her and to taste of her succulent juices while lolling on the golden streams of her intoxicating aroma.

“Are you okay Ree?”  she asked me again in her soft voice that sounded of rain drenched tall grass sparkling in the morning sun.

“Uh… well… I just wanted a donut and I couldn’t get the case to open and Oh my Gawd Tia!  What are you doing here?”

But before Tia could answer me, she was interrupted.

Because finally Marlboro Man appeared at my side!

At last!

He was here to rescue me!

My steed!  My hero!

My knight in shining armour!

Help me honey!

Help mama to rise from this wreckage and I will even give you a bite of my donut!

But he didn’t even look at me!

He only had eyes for HER!!!

“Tia!” He exclaimed, “Where have you been?  I have missed you SO MUCH!”

He wrapped her in his massive forearms and began to croon in a high pitched wail as he rocked her gently, sniffing at her ear lobes and licking her neck in some kind of primitive ranch ritual that I would never understand!

From my place on the floor with all the broken glass and donut crumbs, I watched the two of them reunite and I wondered why she was back.

After all…

We had a deal…

Growing frantic at Marlboro’s Man complete lack of concern for my well being, I began to claw at their legs trying to break the vacuum seal that had formed between their loins.

And just as I was making a little headway I was rudely interrupted!

The gas station attendant began to harass me!

He probably wanted my autograph or something.

Fame is such a burden sometimes!

“Ma’am?”  the barefoot, hippie gas station attendant that looked just like Trisha Yearwood interrupted me again.

I looked into her face and found myself wondering why she was here?  Was this a promotional ad for her new show?  Was I being secretly filmed?  Was Trisha Yearwood baiting me with convenience store baked goods in an attempt to destroy me and gain my Saturday morning spot?

“Ma’am?” she said again, “Let me help you up.”

But I didn’t have time to bother with the likes of Trisha Yearwood right now!

I had a marriage to save!

MINE!

My Food Network Show was nothing without my sullen cowboy husband ignoring his tender offspring when they enthusiastically greeted him at dinner.  I had nothing if he wasn’t filmed as he stiffly delivered lines to Cowboy Josh that I handwritten for him to say!  Without him, my show would just feature another stupid, fat American pretending to know something about cuisine!

But she was determined to thwart me.

Feeling overcome by a thousand different emotions, I had a sudden irrisistible urge to self comfort with a large, fluffy, frosted, carbohydrate replete with sprinkles!

I reached for the broken donut.

But the gas station attendant yanked the donut out of my hand!

“You can’t eat this donut now ma’am.  It probably has glass in it.” she said.

And that’s when I just lost it!

I began to cry!

I began to MOAN!

And GROAN!

From the depths of my bruised throat a screech began to rise.

I sounded like a hoot owl flying over a forest of smashed dreams!

The gas station attendant pulled me to my feet.

And heaved my ragged and torn body towards the cash register counter.

She helped me to lay down and then she brought me a soda.

“Here ma’am.  Drink this.  It’s on the house.”

At which point she turned around to clean up the broken glass.

And left me alone to contemplate the shattered remains of my own life.

Tia was back.

TIA WAS BACK!

I laid back on the counter and took a few sips of soda.

The sugary concoction oozed into my bloodstream and made me feel slightly better.

But I knew it wouldn’t last.

There wasn’t enough soda in the universe to make this feel better…

Not even a thousand apple fritters, a truck load of Doctor Pepper and a mountain of mama’s mashed potatoes could make me feel okay….

Why are people so horrible?

Why can’t people just appreciate the folksy ranchiness of my life?

All I ever wanted to do was to teach the world how to add butter to their spaghetti sauce and to make croutons from hot dog buns!

Why is that so wrong?

WHY???

WHY!!!???!!!

To be continued…

So adorable!

See!

This is the kind of thing that happens to girls when they aren’t subject to all that horrible peer pressure that goes on in the public schools! I bet you wish that your daughter was as free in her spirit as mine is!

Dontcha wish your daughter was hot like mine!

Doncha wish your daughter was a freak like mine?!?

Dontcha!!!!

Dontcha!!!

She’s so creative!

And so NOT cut out for college! She wouldn’t last a day in an environment where she was being forced to learn things she didn’t want to learn! What if some mutant college professor made her learn the periodic table and she wasn’t feeling it!  Good grief! How is that going to help her make the world safer for Jesus to come back to?

What I am saying is that we are not pushing our kids to go to college. Mostly because they are too smart, too creative and just too close to the Lord. And also because they have been homeschooled and everyone knows that homeschooled kids are just better than other kids. It’s so obvious! Just look at my daughter! Doesn’t she look like she is better than other people? Who wouldn’t want to hire her to be an entrepreneur straight out of highschool? She is such an independent thinker! She doesn’t need an expensive college degree to prove herself to people! It’s written all over her purple face!

Besides! Look at her dad! He’s a prison psychologist and guess what! Most of the prisoners he works with also did not go to college! Why? Because they are independent thinkers and entrepreneurs who don’t need other people telling them what the rules are! They make their own rules! Which is just exactly what this world needs! More people who make up their own rules and think independently and then go to jail!

It’s true! I read it on a website that caters to homeschoolers just like me! It said that homeschooled kids are just plum better than other kids. They have better brains and they work harder and they are also a little chubby and kind of goofy looking, but that is only because they have been protected from the evil influences of their public school peers. Children are supposed to be a little plump. It will keep them going during the End Times!

So I will not be encouraging my children to go to college. All that college does is teach your kids to be doctors, lawyers, teachers, architects, scientists, nurses, surgeons, musicians, artists, business people, accountants, designers and technicians and that is sooooo not my kids. How do I know this? Because I homeschool and that means I actually know who my kids are and exactly what they will be and guess what! They are all going to be independent thinkers and also entrepreneurs which none of those poor kids who go to schools are going to be able to do!
So what do you think?

Are you encouraging your kids to conform and go to college?  Or will you be allowing them to be entrepreneurs and independent thinkers like mine?

(Only agreeable comments will be allowed to post. I am talking to you Bev Widener!)

Attention World!

Hello?

Anyone out there?

I said ATTENTION WORLD!!!!

Tap, tap, tap.

This thing on?

Testing, testing

One, two

One, two, three

Did you miss me?

Aw shucks!

I knew you would!

I have been super busy guys.

SUPER BUSY SAVING THE WORLD!

That’s right ya’ll!

Mama has figured out how to save the WORLD!

And it starts with a cheeseburger.

Like this here cheeseburger inside of this bag!

I am going to take this here cheeseburger and transform it!

Transform it into something delicious and delectable and super good for you!

And then I am going to save the WORLD with my new cheeseburger!

And it’s all because I love you so much and I want to help!

Now if you will just excuse me for a minute.

Mama needs to take the vapors.

Oh my Gawd this smells good!

Help me Rhonda!

No really!

Help.  Me.  Rhonda.

I never want to pull my face out of this BAG!

It smells like HEAVEN ON A HOT DOG BUN IN HERE!

Oh Lordy!

Nothing in the universe makes me pant like a patty melt!

The smell of a cheeseburger completes me!

I think I am going to invent a new perfume!

Parfum de burger

It will sell like hotcakes!

And then I will invent Parfum de hotcakes and it will sell like hotcakes too!

But before I do that, I need to save the world with my new hamburger recipe!

Are you ready?

Are you?

Well then you better hang on Betty Lou!

Cause it’s gonna be a wild ride!

First you are going to need to go get a cheeseburger.

Just a regular old cheeseburger.

Except that this is a bacon cheeseburger.

Don’t be like me.

Now take a chunk of butter and slide it into a sauce pan.

You probably didn’t see that coming did you?

Sometimes I like to do leg lifts while I am frying butter.

That’s how I make it healthy!

And lift and lift

And higher and higher

And two and three

And four and five

And sixteen and seventeen and eighteen

And Fifty!

Now separate the burger from the buns.

Did somebody say baconator!?!

HOLY LORD JESUS PLEASE HOLD ME BACK AN DON’T LET ME HUMP THAT GORGEOUS PILE OF PIG RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY BLOG POST!!!

Trust me girlies!  You are going to have to summon all your will power to not dive lady parts first into that hot pile of fat back.  But if you perservere I promise your reward will be divine!

Now take a knife to scrape off all that burgery goodness

And then hack your buns into bite sized pieces.

They don’t have to be perfect guys!

Just chop them up any old way and call it rustic!

Now slide the bread into the pan of heated butter.

And Presto!

In just a few minutes you will have the most yummy croutons on earth!

Next up

Scrape the cheese off of the hamburger patty.

Again – it doesn’t have to be perfect.

Less perfect equals more rustic.

And more rustic equals more uh…

Equals more…

Um…

More time to…

Love…

The people?

Just look at this super cute rustic vintagey hamburger patty!

Doesn’t it just make you love The People?

Chop up the super cute rustic hamburger patty.

Squirt in some mustard…

And some ketchup…

And mix it all together in a coarse meal of pure delish!

This is all that remains of our cheeseburger!  The salad!  The heart and soul of my recipe!  Take this and put it on a plate.

Top the salad with the hamburger mixture!

Add the cheese you scraped off earlier!

Waste not, want not!

And then the bacon.

The croutons!

And top off with your favorite salad dressing.

I didn’t have any salad dressing, so I am just using mayo.

Again – don’t be like me.

Yum yum YUM!

Who could possibly resist this pile of pure decadence?

It just makes me realize how some of the best things in life are really so simple.

I took something as humble as a cheeseburger and changed it into something that literally defies description!

And I guess that is why I have the TV show

And you DON’T!

Viva La Cheeseburger Salad!

My daughters are still growing and I can’t get them to stop.  My eldest daughter is headed towards six feet tall and my younger one is just about to pass me up.

I still can’t stop writing about how fast my kids are growing up.

I still need to tell you that I am never going to let them go!

Never!

Ever!

I am still not ever going to let them go to college!

Because that is still the funniest, most eloquent and moving thought I have ever had in my entire life!

I also still can’t fit into their jeans.

Which is just so unfair!

Why can’t I fit into their jeans!

Why?

WHY!

I still love cheese!

And yes!

CHOCOLATE!

And tomorrow my daughter is still having a surgery!

Waaaaaaaah!

Hold me!

Please!

HOLD ME!

My younger daughter is STILL such a HAM in photos!

OMG!

Look at her!  She never stops!

I tell you people!

We are like a non-stop episode of I Love Lucy around here!

Rhonda?

RHONDA???

Are you still helping me Rhonda?!?!?

No, but seriously guys!

Have you ever seen a pack of funnier kids in your life!

They literally take my breath away!

BECAUSE I AM LAUGHING SO HARD!!!!

Still laughing!

STILL LAUGHING!

Somebody call Ben STILLER!!!!

Because I am STILL LAUGHING!!!!

I still regularly rendezvous with Pesky in the Basil Patch!

Mmmmmm!

Here we are grinding up a batch of Pesky Pesto!

I am the mortar to his pestle.

Or wait…

Maybe he is the mortar and I am the pestle?

Which one is the poundy part?

Because Pesky does all the pounding.

And I am the big white marbley skinned bowl that he does all his pounding inside of…

Pound

Pound

Pound

And I just sort of lay there and moan a little and wish he would say something about how good I smell like he used to.

Still can’t get on a horse to save my life!

Still Dammit!!!!

Still love that hospital spray nozzle more n’ my luggage!

Mama shore do still need her some quality nozzle time!

Still love to look at myself in the mirror!

And ooooh boy!!!

Do I ever still love to look at this man when he is astride a frisky filly!

Especially when I am the frisky filly!

Which I STILL am!

Tee hee!

Still love a good garlic rub!

Up.

Higher!

Higher!

To the left!

No you estupido illegal!

MY LEFT!

Donde noches mi puttanesca al la peanut butter sandwiches!

I still love messin’ with Paco our illegal!

Muy hilarito Paco!

Mucho Muy Funny Times with Mama Ree Ree on the Ranchito!

Arriba!  Arriba!

Still love our loyal ranch cowboys SO MUCH!

You complete me guys!

Where would I be without you?

Only living in a beach house with James in California!

What the hell was I thinking?!?!

Just kidding guys!

Love you!

And yes…

The sight of my husband still slays me.

And I still say “slays me” even though the eighties are over forever.

But I still keep them alive!

Because my brain is still covered in permafrost and hasn’t had an original thought since 1989!

Still love you more n’ my luggage!

Still here!

Still trying to think of a good way to end this post!

Still blogging even though all I ever do is say things I already said a million times before.

Still taking bad photos and telling my readers that they are great!

Still using superlatives to describe all my recipes because that’s what makes people click on them!

Still raking in the dough on this silly ole web site!

Still putting blue butterflies on my cat when she’s taking a crap and also on my dog’s balls!

Check back in a few minutes guys and I still won’t have a new post up, but I will still be telling you that I will!

I am still the funniest blogger ever!

Still am!

STILL AM!

STILL AM!!!!

STILL!!!!!

STILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jesus H. Mother Fucking CHRIST!

What does a girl have to do to get a little respect around here?

I broke my fucking LEG people!

Okay!

OKAY!!!

It’s BROKEN!

BROKEN!!!!

I may never walk again!

I may never get to report on my spin classes and my personal trainer and my marathon work-outs on my blog for the REST of my LIFE!

Imagine the HOLE!!!

So there I was.

Hobbling like a wounded veteran through the NYC airport!

People were streaming past me left and right and not EVEN NOTICING MY PAIN!!!!

I felt like I was back in highschool!

When I used to play volleyball!

And I got hurt!

I got hurt real, real, real bad.

And of course no one would even lift a finger to make my life even the teensiest bit better!

Why!

WHY!

So I was like

GODDAMMIT!

Get me the FUCKING INTERNET!!!

But then I remembered that I had to pee!

Screaming in pain the entire way, I dragged my broken body to the airport bathroom.

The tears were literally pouring down my face.

I was sweating from the exertion of hauling my crushed ankle all the way to the potty by myself!

It was so hard!

SO HARD!

And when I finished my business and I come out of the stall and

THERE WAS A LINE AT THE SINK!

WHAT

THE

FUCK?!?!?

So I am waiting and waiting and waiting in line.  Waiting, waiting, waiting!  Hello!  Does anyone realize exactly WHO THE FUCK I AM!  ONLY ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL WOMEN IN AMERICA!!! WHY ISN’T SOMEONE LETTING ME CUT IN FRONT OF THEM SO I CAN WASH MY HANDS AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS BATHROOM!

And then it was CLEARLY MY TURN!

MY TURN!

JESUS CHRIST!!!

IT WAS MY FUCKING TURN!

Plus I am clearly a crippled woman with one hell of an expensive handbag so WHO IN THE HELL IS THIS DOUCHEBAG THAT JUST JUMPED IN FRONT OF ME AND TOOK MY PLACE LIKE I DON’T EVEN EXIST?!?!?

HELLO!

HELLO YOU HORRIBLE HAG!

DID YOU NOT SEE THE WOUNDED WARRIOR WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE NEXT IN LINE!?!?!

I HATE PEOPLE!!!!

ALL PEOPLE!

ALL OF THEM!!!

YOU AND YOU AND YOU AND YOU IN THE BACK…  YES!  YOU TOO!!!

What did I ever do to deserve this kind of shitty treatment?

Only train for months to run a marathon to save women’s lives!

That’s what!

You’d think someone would give a shit!

And that’s when I just LOST IT!

I totally LOST MY HEAD!

It went rolling across the floor and I am like

IS ANYONE GOING TO HELP ME FIND MY MOTHER FUCKING HEAD???

But of course no one did because everyone in the entire world is an asshole except for me and Christy Turlington!

Hi Christy!  Gawd I wish I was still with you and your super model friends and not stuck in this horrible airport bathroom with a bashed leg and a missing head!

My

Life

Sucks

So

Bad!

I had to feel around the bathroom floor with my jacked up leg and my cracked off head until I located my skull.

And then I had to STAND IN LINE AGAIN TO WASH OFF MY HEAD!

And I was like

GET OUT OF MY WAY BITCHES!

I AM GOING TO WASH OFF THIS HEAD AND I AM SO NOT WAITING IN LINE TO DO IT!!!

And I rinsed off my head and carried it out of the restroom and the entire time I am just FUMING OVER HOW HORRIBLE PEOPLE ARE!

GAWD!

SO FUCKING AWFUL!!!!

DAMN MOTHERFUCKERS!

EVERYONE PRETENDING LIKE THEY DON’T KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM!

ONLY THE WORLD’S MOST FAMOUS MOMMY BLOGGER!

I’LL SHOW THEM!

I’LL GO HOME AND TAKE NINETEEN THOUSAND PHOTOS OF MY DOG BALANCING SOMETHING ON HIS NOSE AND POST IT ON MY FUCKING BLOG!

STUPID ASSHOLES!

And then I just plunked myself down on the floor and tried to screw my head back on myself.

It wasn’t easy!

Because nothing I do EVER IS!

Why can’t things ever be easy?

Just once!

Just one fucking time!

I would like for things to be easy just once!

I swear to God!

It’s like the entire universe is out to get me!

When suddenly there he was!

A man with extremely thick forearms, dressed in a caveman suit, but smelling like the high prairie, proffered me some small change.

“Here ya go little missy!” he said in a distinct western drawl, “I couldn’t help but notice that ya seemed ta be havin’ a hard time.  Now go buy yerself somethin’ nice on me and I hope things git better fer ya real soon.”

And then he loped off like a man who had spent most of his life riding the range.

(I couldn’t help but be temporarily spellbound by his magnificent ass.)

And just like that!

My day turned around!

See ya’ll back in Utah with a detailed report on my injuries!

Enjoy!

This photo has nothing to do with this post.  I’m just putting it here because I am a dumbass.

In anticipation of the arrival of the Horvatzcruxeswhositwhateves, I have spent the past two weeks cleaning out the upstairs!   I have thrown out old, torn, stained clothes that budget readers have sent my girls (please stop doing that people!  Ick!), taken good, outgrown clothes bought online at Anthropologie and J. Crew to the Goodwill, and gotten rid of toy pieces that have long since lost their mates.

It’s been tough!  Exhausting!  There were no camera crews for my cleaning extravaganza, and no breaks for home-made corn dogs.  I know!

So the crew (remodeling crew, not camera crew) was set to arrive this morning.  I got up extra early to make sure my illegals had finished the extra loads of laundry I told them to start before I went to bed last night and to neatly fold all the new bath towels, which it turns out they didn’t, which I planned to arrange in the cabinet under the upstairs bathroom sink.  Isn’t my life so much more fascinating than yours?

But I felt hungry.  Violently hungry!  I knew that I had a couple of minutes to whip up a batch of my famous scrambled eggs with extra butter and bacon bits and a handful of basil before the crew arrived.

It.  Was.  Delicious.  (The printable version will be in my Food Section tomorrow.  Keep clicking back to guess when I post it!)

The crew was over thirty minutes late at this point when I remembered that I’d left some dishes in the sink. I’d just finished getting dressed and was wearing my favorite outfit.  And sheer pink lip gloss and a slight orange glow, but that’s the self-tanner’s fault, not mine. I think Neutrogena upped their concentration. Either that or I scrubbed way, way too hard. I went to the sink and saw that the dishes had a little bit of egg yolk on them, which had hardened and solidified and petrified into an industrial-strength adhesive (note to self:  Call the Wal-Marts about a product placement idea involving eggs and glue as an industrial-strength adhesive.  Working name:  PW Egg Glue).  There were no illegals in sight, so I was forced to wash the dishes myself.  I plugged up the sink, turned on the hot water, squirted in a nice dose of Joy liquid provided by my favorite corporate sponsor, and began filling up the sink so the dishes could soak.

My Food Network-friendly sink is a big farmhouse number, so I knew it would take hours to fill up.  So I ran upstairs to light a gardenia candle purchased at the hotel gift shop when I was on my last book tour in New York just in case my nose is so used to any strange odors that might live upstairs that it doesn’t smell the strange odors that might not exist, but I didn’t want to take any chances.  (I hate strange odors!  Violently!  And I love gardenias!  And New York!  And hotels!  And hotels in New York that smell like gardenias!)

When I got upstairs, I got sidetracked by my own reflection in the hall mirror.  I usually hate the way I look because my eyes can be puffy and the Botox looks a little plastic-y from time to time … but not today!  Today I looked magnificent!

Wait no… not this one!

Dammit!

No!

Not this one!

Here we go!

That’s me!

At my most dewiest!

My hair was the color of a perfect copper penny (Clairol #729 for my budget readers), my eyes looked like sparkly prisms of ocean waves being caressed in the summer light, my skin radiated like rose petals lying on a sandy beach.  And like I said before, I was wearing my favorite outfit.

I stood there for a good fifteen minutes.

Then my personal happy time was violently interrupted by Mountain Man walking halfway up the stairs behind me.

“Ree, could you come down here for just a second?” my beloved implored.

“No,” I answered. “Thank you for asking, though!” I just love saying that.

“Uh, Honey?” he repeated. “Could you come down here for a sec?”

I wanted him to come upstairs and see how perfect I looked, and to bring my camera.

Instead, he said, “I think you flooded the whole house with your Food Network sink.”

It was true.  It was Biblical.  My kitchen was flooded. My kitchen was the Dead Sea, minus the salinity and plus brand new hardwood floors.  Apparently, I had never returned to the kitchen sink to do the dishes.

I had no choice but to dart upstairs, retrieve my perfect towels that were still in the Macy’s bag with the tags attached because my illegals had not done any laundry but had instead gone home early, and use the new towels to mop up the deluge that surrounded me.

I cried.  I cried abundant tears that only added to the flood.

But good news, Marlboro Man found my camera!

My life is SO HARD!!!

Link to the world’s dumbest blogger’s stupidest post ever…