I’m the Pie Near Woman!
I am a middle child, agoraphobic, world travelin’, breast milk secretin’, hiney tinglin’, craptastic cookin’, surrogate homeschoolin’, best seller writin’, recipe rustlin’, mother of four who is just plum full of foiblin’ fun down home on my huge and verdant ranch!
WELCOME TO MY FRONTIER!!!!!
I grew up in the corporate town of Bartlesville, Oklahoma. And no, I really don’t know what a ‘corporate town’ is, I just use that descriptor because it sounds ethereal and it makes my hiney tingle super hard.
“But Ree,” you might be saying, “Bartlesville and Pawhuska are only 26.5 miles apart. How hard can it be for you to access all the amenities of the corporate town of your fair youth?”
To that I can only say – Hello? A half an hour from The Gap? Thirty minutes from a Starbucks? I might as well be living in a third world country!
It’s So HARD!
And I am SO ISOLATED!!!!
AND SO SO SO SO SO SO CONTENTED
AND DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY
AND TERRIFIED OF LEAVING
AND ECSTATIC WHENEVER I GET TO LEAVE!!!!!
I NEVER WANT TO GO BACK TO THE RANCH!!!!
PLEASE DON”T MAKE ME GO BACK!!!
I LOVE MY LIFE ON THE RANCH!!!!
Because of my extreme isolation and loneliness and contentment and agoraphobia, I must surrogate homeschool my children through two full time private teachers! By using surrogates, I get all the internet glory of being a ‘homeschool mom’ attracting a huge, unserved and self marginalizing audience to my blog and I DON’T EVEN HAVE TO PLAN A SINGLE LESSON PLAN!!!
You can’t HANDLE THE FLOWY TOPS!
I like to go on flowy top buying binges and after I wear them once and sweat all over them like a foaming stallion who just won the lottery, I give them to my readers. And they love it! They devour my sweat stained shirts like the starving Indonesian children who MADE them!
I have a retarded brother!
It’s so so so so SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO HILARIOUS!!!!
My retarded brother gives me foibles all the time! Plus he provides an awesome shield that I can throw up in front of me anytime I feel vulnerable! If someone attacks me I’m just all – I have a retarded brother! And then I post a photo of him and I when we were toddlers to remind everyone what a beautiful person I am. Works like a charm!
I also LOVE to PHOTOGRAPH my husband’s ASS for the internet!
Here it is!!!
Isn’t it seriously adorable!
I never get tired of showing the world wide web my husband’s ass.
And you know what’s weird?
My readers never get tired of looking at it!
Here’s my husband’s face.
So I guess you can see why I prefer to photograph his other end!
Ha ha ha ha ho ho har har har hwah hwarh HO HO HO!
I love to take pictures of my Kitchen Aid mixer mixing stuff!
Thousands of them!
I never get tired of it!
And neither do my readers!
I love to cook butter.
I like to burn things for the seasoning aspects.
I like to rub garlic into pans.
It makes me feel urban.
Even though I love living in the country and I am SO SO SO contented being here!
I LOVE BABIES SO MUCH!
I want to have a baby so bad!
So, so, SO, SO Bad!
But I am terrified that it might be retarded!
Because I am old and my eggs are old and MM and I played Russian roulette retarded baby four times already and maybe the fifth time will be retarded! Which would ultimately be super okay with me BECAUSE IMAGINE THE FOIBLES! I would have the most foiblin’ retarded baby ever. Even better than Sarah Palin’s foiblin’ retarded baby! I could leave him behind at rodeos and drop him off at fire stations in California! I could lose him in the mall and people would love him so much that they would always give him a ride back home! At least that is what happens when your brother is retarded and he is the son of a prominent surgeon! But isn’t that what happens to all retarded babies? Retarded people are SO LUCKY! I wish I was retarded! Than I could be Queen of the WORLD!
I like to teach people how to photo-shop their children.
So that their babies can be as beautiful as mine (almost hee hee).
Sometimes I like to dress up like a Russian hooker!
I LOVE TO COOK!
Help me Rhonda do I ever love to cook!
And I promise that no matter how famous I get, I will never stop making fat filled food that is wrapped, rolled, draped, coated and sprinkled in as much saturated animal fat as I can find. Butter is my signature color! Name that movie! I love to quote movies! It’s just the way I roll. Get it ROLL! Because when you cook with as much fat as I do you literally HAVE TO ROLL!!! And you literally HAVE ROLLS! Oh my!
How am I so HILARIOUS!!!!
Are you dying from laughter?
Tap, tap, tap, this thing on?!?!
I am going to have my own cooking show on the Food Network!
And I was the LAST PERSON TO KNOW ABOUT IT!
I can’t wait to be on TV so you guys can see how utterly hysterical I am in person! I am even funnier in person than I am in real life.
But I was already on TV so many times!
I was customer top rated on the QVC!
(Which is only every real writer’s dream come true!)
And then I had a Jello Throwdown with Bobby Flay
Trisha Yearwood was the judge!
And she totally picked me to win!
That girl loves her some potatoes!
And then me and Trisha both got shows on the Food Network!
So who are the luckiest girls in Oklahoma now?!?
This is what I look like when I gaze into the sunset.
Have I mentioned that I grew up on a golf course yet?
What about that part where I say my dad was a surgeon?
What about Jesus?
Did I tell you that I love Jesus?
Because I totally, totally DO!
And so does my demographic!
You know what’s weird?!?
The more my demographic loves Jesus, the more I LOVE JESUS!
Isn’t that so amazing!
Especially for an Episcopalian daughter of a surgeon who grew up on a golf course!
And here’s what else…
I don’t even care if I am persecuted by the Hollywood liberal elites who hate America and love gay people more than the bible
BECAUSE I LOVE JESUS!
HE IS ALL THAT MATTERS TO ME!!!
This is MM branding me.
It’s a long story.
This is my dog.
He is the only person on the ranch that doesn’t flinch when I point my camera at him.
So I photograph him a lot.
No you don’t understand…
And my readers NEVER get TIRED of it!
I LOVE MY LIFE!!!!
GOD HAS BLESSED ME SOOOOOOOO MUCH!
I don’t know why he chosen to bless me and not some poor child in sub-sahara Africa that is dying from malnutrition, but who am I to question the ways of the Maker? All I know is that I must do my part to make sure that I use what I have been given to the best of my abilities. Which means insightful posts about shopping at The Gap and rivetting essays where I cut and paste all the photos from the most recent Pottery Barn Furniture catalog and talk about how pretty everything is and poignant pieces on the state of my nail polish and in depth coverage of my collection of flowy tops and all my earrings and inspirational stories about designer dogs that I forgot I ordered on the internet and butter filled food from the eighties that reminds people of a simpler time when hairspray still meant something and being a gatherin’ place for right wing homeschooling militias and mostly family and God and America and the simple, down to earth country life that everyone dreams about having… except with lots of money sprinkled on top.
Welcome to my world!
Love ya SO MUCH it hurts like a son of a bitch!
Pie Near Woman