My Mint Green Chemise
It was a dark and stormy night…
And I had just slipped into my mint green chemise, which has nothing at all to do with this story.
After spending several minutes admiring myself in the fast fading twilight – the way the delicate silky mint fabric so violently set off the creaminess of my skin – I was getting ready to admire myself even more from the back when suddenly a crashing sound violently plopped through the house!
Thinking that maybe one of my dogs were hemorrhaging a violent foamy diarrhea, I rushed out to the porch!
And that is when God pummeled me straight in the face with a fist full of hail stones!
And then it began to pour buckets!
Or maybe more like watering cans!
My mint green chemise (which still has nothing to do with this story) was soon drenched through and through!
Like a sad little doggie, I stumbled further out onto the porch.
Lost, confused, afraid, and very alone, I cried for help.
“Help me! Somebody! Please! Help me!” I shivered violently and my teeth began to chatter.
Dejected, demoralized and near death, I cast my eyes downward in the hopes of appearing even more pathetic and fragile to any approaching onlookers!
When he appeared!
My knight in shining boxers!
“Honey!” I whimpered, “I’m over here! Help me! Help me!”
The rain continued to pour down on my marble like fragility.
Turning my head upwards as if in a plea to the heavens to make it stop, I almost drowned!
Surely he will note my distress now I thought, as I hacked and coughed up nearly a gallon of water.
But my steed only stood there.
Was he too stunned by my beauty?
Was he fixated on the whiteness of my creamy natural red head skin set off so perfectly by the moonlight and my mint green chemise?
Could he not move for the paralytic powers of my stunning good looks?
“It’s okay.” I whimpered to him. “I know I am almost scarily gorgeous in this damp nightie that has nothing to do with this story, but if you could just come on over here and scoop me up in your arms and carry me tenderly back to our marriage bed, I will be able to put this post in the can and then I can move on to making cow tripe pudding covered in dill sprigs in the morning!”
But my trusty stallion only turned around wearily and went back to bed muttering something like… “Why don’t you just step back inside the house yourself, you nut for brains.”
Sensing that perhaps this once I had overshot my wad, I quickly assessed the damages.
1. I have an unending need for attention.
2. Sometimes I manage to wear out even the most virile of men.
3. This mint green chemise cannot possibly be worth the $500.00 I paid for it.
And so I took it off.
I took it all off.
And the wind gathered my mint green chemise into it’s violent arms and flung it across the darkened prairie while I rode my stallion violently across a craggy plain, up a steep embankment, over a rocky precipice and headlong into a surging sea.
And it was good.
Buenos Noches Mis Amigas!