Pie Near Gets a Garlic Rub
You know what guys?
It’s been a rough couple of weeks here at the ranch.
First there was the Food Network television crew filming my every waking moment for two weeks….
And then my best friend, spazzy Becky brought the cheerleaders out here to remind me that I am a fat ass. (Personally, I think she’s a little t.o.’d that I didn’t put her on my TV show.)
And then there was the parade of bloggy cooking people and the macarons lady and the Grillin beans recipe winners and all this is going on while I am trying to finish up my next cookbook and also write a new Charlie book and… and… AND…
I tell you what!
Homegirl is tired!
So I got Paco here to give me a little rub down to help me relax for a minute.
A little GARLIC rubdown.
Because it makes me feel so urban!
I thought you might enjoy one too!
So here’s the handy dandy printable!
Go out and buy yourself an illegal and a garlic bulb.
When giving instructions to your new illegal – it helps to speak to them in their native tongue. This makes them feel welcome and not quite so estupido!
Ooooooh Paco! Casa Bonita!
Yo soy Laguna taco, enchilada, pico de gato!
After the initial spanking is over, have your illegal section and peel your garlic bulb. Once again you may need to speak to him slowly and clearly while you give him instructions.
Takey the garlicy boolby Paco.
Peely the garlick boolby and rubby, dubby el garlicky boolby all over miso hiney until me say OY VEY!
Remember to offer him lots of praise and to be enthusiastic!
Illegals are people too!
Si’ Paco! Si’! Si’!
Mucho perfecto Paco!
MUCHO MUY PACO!!!!
MUCHO, MUCHO, MUY!
You makey me feely so urban Paco!
Mas Mucho URBAN!!!!
Mise en place!
Quid Pro Quo!
Jenny Say Kwah!
After your rump roast has been thoroughly cleaved and tenderized, you are going to want to turn over…
Sunny side up!
Instruct your illegal that they may touch, but no can look!
Say it with me…
It helps to keep your relationship on a professional level.
No peeky weeky Paco Waco.
Mis boobies no por tu!
Su manos no para mis boobies.
Without looking, Paco rubs the front of me down with a fresh garlic bulb.
Sometimes his invigorating maneuvers make me lactate a little… or a lot.
So I’ve instructed him to collect my drippings into some of the 250 plastic containers I bought at Sam’s Club.
Guess who will be making homemade ice cream later this week!!!
And it’s gonna be scrump dilly dum willy!
Speaking of dum willies!!!!
Dum da da DUM
Do I hear the sound of distant hoofbeats approaching nigh???!
Why it’s Marlboro Man!
I think this is another one of those crazy ranch foibles I am always talkin’ about!!!!
What am I gonna do?
Marlboro Man has never been able to recognize the difference between a massage and a menage a trois!
He sees a naked woman getting felt up by a hawt illegal and all he can think is sex, sex, sex!
What if he thinks Paco and I are having an affair?
Hi Hiney!… I mean HONEY!
Me and Paco were just… we were uh… he was… we were… I was… uh…
Paco was just trying to stimulate my milk glands!
It’s a recipe I am inventing for the Food Network.
Garlic breast milk shakes!
Do you think I should add a touch of cilantro?
But before I could even ask him what he thought about throwing in some blueberries, he swept me off that table and into his strong, virile arms!
Grabbing me tightly around the waist, he swung me around just like in the good old days!
Before we had kids!
Before I homeschooled!
Before I wrote a blog!
Before I had my own TV show!
Those were the good old days?
I don’t think so!
Our bodies smashed and collided into each other like two planets fighting an intergalactic battle for supremacy! Yes! Maybe he made a million dollars babysitting wild horses for the government, but I also made a cool million babysitting bored housewives with my blog! And yes, maybe I had signed a pre-nup preventing me from taking even a single acre with me should I divorce this man, but if he divorced me, who would photograph his bottom for the world wide web?
I don’t think so.
My heart beat violently though the luxurious Egyptian cotton of my Restoration Hardware bath sheets. His scent… his ever present pungent odor of vet supplies, cow manure and man sweat had been freshly showered away and all that was left was the smell of sunshine and soap on his delectably hard flesh.
I wanted to bite into him.
I wanted to snap off a chunk of his meaty scapula with my teeth and go squat in a corner and eat it ravenously like a starving hyena.
I wanted to sprinkle cinnamon and sugar in his silvery hair and lick it off violently… follicle by follicle.
I wanted to wrap his organ meats in bacon, coat them in butter and slow roast them over a smokin’ hot fire and then suck all the juice out of them until they were only dangly sacs full of nothing but a wee bit o’ gristle!
Clinging to him, I closed my eyes and waited for his hands to explore my tender mercies.
I wanted to be basted with his man juice.
Marinated all night long in the spicy broth of his tenderloin.
“Should we get rid of the illegal?” I whispered.
“Who?” he asked.
“Paco!” I exclaimed huskily, “Shouldn’t we get rid of Paco?”
“Oh yeah!” MM said breaking free of our lover’s embrace, “Paco! Hey Paco! How about a little garlic rub for the boss man?”
“No problem Laddy, ” said Paco, “I’ve always got time to rub you down.”
“Can I get you to hold the garlic?” MM asked.
“I will hold whatever you want me to hold” Paco responded, “And I won’t let go until you beg me to.”
“Heh, heh, heh.” laughed MM.
“Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh” responded Paco.
“Heh, heh, heh, ho, heh, hee, ho, ha.” Marlboro Man barbed back.
“Ho, ho, ha, ho” Paco emitted trying to keep up with the boss man’s verbal gymnastics.
“Hardee, har, har” Ladd trumpeted as a subtle reminder to his employee that he would never attain the cerebral heights of Laddspeak.
“Ho, hee, heh, heh, ha, ho, hee, ha, ho” Paco acquiesced acknowledging his boss’s supremacy in the world of witty banter.
“Ho, ho” Ladd gently prodded Paco to never give up.
“Heh” Paco responded gallantly, knowing he could never win, but would always give it his best try.
“Oh… okay guys.” I said as I backed out of the room realizing that the two men in front of me were in a world of their own. “I’ve got lots to do today anyway… I’ve got to photograph Aunt Edna’s Cheezy Cabbage Deelite and we are fresh out of Cheez Whiz, so I better run to the Wal-Marts and get some and I also need some fruit cocktail for a dump cake I am making in honor of Steel Magnolias and guys…?
I’m standing right here Guys!
I haven’t even left the room yet!
I swear to the sweet baby Jesus, they’d have sex with a pitch fork if it looked at ‘em crosseyed!
Love ya so much that I can’t hardly stand the hot streaking pain that is shooting through my soul right now!