It’s Just a God Damn Stack of Plastic People! Give me a Freakin’ Break!
Like you people never buy a plastic tub of cottage cheese or a freakin’ jug of milk!
So what I buy two hundred and fifty plastic containers at a time! So what I pitch those things into my own private landfill faster than you can say cancer on a candy cane! So what I own my own dump and don’t give a shit that the rest of the world has gotta share one big dump together. The point is that my dump is my dump and I can throw two hundred and fifty plastic containers in it every single day if I want to, and it ain’t gonna make any difference to me!
So get off my case! I do it because I need them! I need. I need. I need! (Name that movie!) Hell! I need one entire case of those containers just for my earrings!
And can we please all pause for a moment in silence here and remember my budget readers! They may never attain the lofty heights of my money casual readers who can purchase glassy baby votives at $40.00 a pop and not even blink an eye, but they sure as hell can afford a big box of plastic containers!
This post is about me being regular. This post is about you picturing me pushing a great big cart slowly down the aisles of Sam’s Club. My eyes are glazed. My skin is pasty. I look just like you!
C’mon! You gotta admit it! You picturing me shopping at Sam’s Club somehow makes you like me better.
So here’s the deal…
I tell you what to buy.
And you go out and buy it.
Or should I say…
Mise en place???
Because the last thing I need is Sam Walton’s heirs breathing down my ass telling me that the sales of their plastic storage containers are NOT skyrocketing since I wrote my cute little post about it!
And here’s something else!
If I want to write a post about the Real Housewives of Whatever The Whosit Whatsit Crapola TV, you better believe I will! This is my website! Mine!!! MINE!!!! If you want to read about some nature program that explores the disappearing habitat of baby rhino giraffes, you are on the WRONG SITE PEOPLE!!!!
AND HERE’S ANOTHER THING!!!!
I WILL NOT HAVE A BABY JUST TO MAKE YOU HAPPY!
So stop telling me to!
I am forty two years old people!!!
My vagina is the size of a tennis court from having had four kids already! Ladd has already gotten lost all up in there two times! Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to have your surgeon dad come out to your house in the middle of the night to suction cup your husband out of your lady parts! Last time we had the kids watch the removal for their homeschool science lab.
AND IF I WANNA BUY A DOG FROM A PUPPY MILL, I WILL BUY A GOD DAMNED DOG FROM A PUPPY MILL!
Maybe we just need a little refresher on the rules of my blog.
Here they are…
1. I say stupid shit.
2. You tell me that my stupid shit is awesome.
3. I give you fancy knives.
Try and show me a little respect people! I think I have earned it! I do after all have a TV show on the freaking Food Network!
Pie Near Woman