Community Question – Will Mormons Get into Heaven?
As you all know, we are in the midst of an incredibly wholesome, yet fun filled, funny face making vacation of our dreams! The learning has been INCREDIBLE! We have discovered that cars go on roads and that signs give you directions and that maps help you get where you want to go! You should totally see my family playing board games in the car! It truly defies description! And my daughter and I ARE SO HILARIOUS WITH OUR FUNNY FACES!
Check it OUT!
How hysterical ARE WE!?!?!?!??!
The funny never dies around here!
MY FAMILY IS SOOOOOOOO CRAZEEEEEE!
Except for Mr. Awesome Sauce who tends to look like a dour dark-age monk intent on taking the sex parts out of every witchy woman he sees and chopping off the hands of every thirteen year boy old who dares to relieve his extraneous spermatozoa behind the barn! But he does that totally in the NAME OF JESUS YA’LL. Can you feel the LOVE!
LOOK AT US SHOP!
LOOK AT US RIDE IN CARS!!!!
LOOK AT US PLAY BOARD GAMES!!!!
LOOK AT US EAT HAMBURGERS!!!!
LOOK AT US TAKE THOUSANDS OF PHOTOS FROM THE CAR WINDOW!!!!
LOOK AT US MAKING HILARIOUS FACES FOR THE INTERNET!!!!
WE AR SO STINKIN’ HILARIOUS!!!!!
But wait a minute!
We just ran into a pack of wild Mormons half way through Montana!
And we STAYED AT THEIR HOUSE!
Can anyone say NIGHT TERRORS!
I was positive that the true God of the true bible was going to strike us dead for crossing the threshold of a tainted Jesus lover’s home, but in the morning we were still PERFECTLY ALIVE!
Can you sing HALLELUJIA with me!
Maybe the Mormon God and the Real Jesus God are more alike than I was led to believe by the fiery congregation of my youth?
But what I do know is that the Mormon family we stayed with home-schools their kids just like we do and if two families can agree on the evils of public school and the brainwashing that goes on in the average American kindergarten room, I think we can also look askance at our religious differences!
Or can we?
Actually – I thought it would be a good idea to review the differences between the Mormon Jesus and the Jesus Jesus. Because I sure as HECK do not want my kids to get converted to the dark side! Hee hee! Not really Mormon mommies! Trust me! I know what cults to tiptoe around on Pie Near’s blog in order to preserve a large and rabid audience! Besides you guys are totally down with reforming the homosexuals and not allowing them to have the same rights as regular people, so I have to think that maybe God will forgive you for polluting his holy word with your dangerous lies about his Son.
Which is the whole point of this post!
How is the Mormon Jesus different from the Jesus Jesus and will these differences cause all Mormons to go to hell?
After spending several days around a bunch of Mormons and visiting their temple and hearing all about how righteous and pure they are and how drinking a Diet Pepsi is akin to murder, I discovered a few very interesting differences about our two Jesus’s. Let’s review them together!!!!
The Mormon Jesus is the brother of Satan.
It’s very complicated to explain this one – but ultimately Elohim (who is another Mormon God) had sex with his wife (real sex not figurative God sex) and produced two sons – Jesus and Lucifer. After the boys grow up, Elohim asked them for a plan on how to take over a new planet called Earth. Lucifer has a bad plan and so he became Satan and his followers became black people and Jesus had a good plan and he became… well… Jesus and his followers became us – upper middle class white home-schoolers.
As opposed to real Christianity in which the real Jesus Jesus is of no blood relation to Satan at all nor was anyone upstairs having real sex with anyone. Also – the color of your skin is only bad if you are an illegal and can’t speak proper American.
The Mormon Jesus was begat by an actual sex act between Elohim and Mary.
In Mormonese the word ‘tabernacle’ appears to mean ‘had sex with’. In other words, Elohim had to get Jesus to come out of the birth canal of a thirteen year old virgin named Mary in order to appeal to the Christian demographic of Joseph Smith’s time.
So Elohim ‘tabernacled’ her and got her with child which means he ‘foibled’ her or he ‘knew’ her in the biblical sense. And that’s how the virgin Mary got knocked up with Jesus! So the question is – if Elohim had ‘real sex’ with the Virgin Mary, she obviously wasn’t a virgin anymore. However! Since Elohim was a God, his penetration doesn’t actually count – so Mary’s virginity web remained in-tact. She only became truly de-flowered after she had sex with Joseph who came along later in the story and was far less spectacular in bed than Elohim who had the God mojo going on. Unless you are Catholic and then Mary never had sex. Ever. Ever, ever, ever, ever EVER!
As opposed to real Christianity in which the Jesus Jesus was begat by a magic insemination process involving the Holy Spirit and a thirteen year old girl named Mary. No physical body fluids were exchanged at all and there was nothing remotely resembling ‘hanky panky’ or ‘tabernacling’ going on.
The Mormon Jesus had three wives.
According to the Mormons, Jesus married the sisters, Mary and Martha and also the infamous Mary of Magdalene. Plenty of ‘tabernacling’ went on and lot’s of babies were born.
However, in regular Christianity, the Jesus Jesus loved children and wanted them to come to him and did not hinder them, but he did not marry any of them. He was celibate and died a virgin and according to the Catholics – so did his mom, who actually did not die but magically flew up to heaven just like her Son also did after he came back from the dead and wandered around for a few days. EXCEPT!, according to the protestants – Mary was eventually defiled (foibled, tabernacled, known and righteously nailed) on numerous occasions by her husband Joseph resulting in the brothers and sisters of Jesus who are clearly named in the bible in spite of the Catholics insistence on Mary’s life long virginity. The protestant Mary also did not magically float off into heaven – instead she just sort of melts away and like most women in the bible – no one really gives a crap what happened to her which is how it should be.
So as you can see by this summary, the Mormons are clearly headed to hell and sadly, the Catholics too (sorry guys!). I feel bad about writing that and I hope it won’t make all the Mormons and the Catholics stop reading this blog. I know we should probably just focus on the things we agree on like hating all public school teachers and blaming them for the evil in the world, and finding more ways that the bible says that Obama is the anti-Christ. But since we are talking about your eternal souls here – I thought it was important to at least mention that if you believe in the wrong Jesus, you are going to burn forever.
Of course you CAN REPENT!
Just stop believing the wrong Jesus and start believing in the right (my) Jesus. Then we can all spend eternity together in heaven having zero sex and making zero spirit babies and just standing around on golden streets in our white robes (not fig leaf aprons) singing praise songs all day and all night. It’s gonna be SO FUN!
Hope 2 see U there!