Inside the Pie Near Woman

Community Question – Will Mormons Get into Heaven?

Posted by OMSH - Oh My Shrieking Harridan is the most intelligent, knowledgeable and experienced homeschooling mother on the face of God's green earth. No matter the homeschooling topic - you can be guaranteed that OMSH is an expert. Trust her. She knows. Everything.

As you all know, we are in the midst of an incredibly wholesome, yet fun filled, funny face making vacation of our dreams!  The learning has been INCREDIBLE!  We have discovered that cars go on roads and that signs give you directions and that maps help you get where you want to go!   You should totally see my family playing board games in the car!  It truly defies description!  And my daughter and I ARE SO HILARIOUS WITH OUR FUNNY FACES!

Check it OUT!

How hysterical ARE WE!?!?!?!??!

The funny never dies around here!


Except for Mr. Awesome Sauce who tends to look like a dour dark-age monk intent on taking the sex parts out of every witchy woman he sees and chopping off the hands of every thirteen year boy old who dares to relieve his extraneous spermatozoa behind the barn!  But he does that totally in the NAME OF JESUS YA’LL.  Can you feel the LOVE!









But wait a minute!


We just ran into a pack of wild Mormons half way through Montana!


Can anyone say NIGHT TERRORS!

I was positive that the true God of the true bible was going to strike us dead for crossing the threshold of a tainted Jesus lover’s home, but in the morning we were still PERFECTLY ALIVE!

Can you sing HALLELUJIA with me!

Maybe the Mormon God and the Real Jesus God are more alike than I was led to believe by the fiery congregation of my youth?

Who knows?

But what I do know is that the Mormon family we stayed with home-schools their kids just like we do and if two families can agree on the evils of public school and the brainwashing that goes on in the average American kindergarten room, I think we can also look askance at our religious differences!

Or can we?

Actually – I thought it would be a good idea to review the differences between the Mormon Jesus and the Jesus Jesus.  Because I sure as HECK do not want my kids to get converted to the dark side!  Hee hee!  Not really Mormon mommies! Trust me! I know what cults to tiptoe around on Pie Near’s blog in order to preserve a large and rabid audience! Besides you guys are totally down with reforming the homosexuals and not allowing them to have the same rights as regular people, so I have to think that maybe God will forgive you for polluting his holy word with your dangerous lies about his Son.

Which is the whole point of this post!

Community Question…

How is the Mormon Jesus different from the Jesus Jesus and will these differences cause all Mormons to go to hell?

After spending several days around a bunch of Mormons and visiting their temple and hearing all about how righteous and pure they are and how drinking a Diet Pepsi is akin to murder, I discovered a few very interesting differences about our two Jesus’s. Let’s review them together!!!!


The Mormon Jesus is the brother of Satan.

It’s very complicated to explain this one – but ultimately Elohim (who is another Mormon God) had sex with his wife (real sex not figurative God sex) and produced two sons – Jesus and Lucifer. After the boys grow up, Elohim asked them for a plan on how to take over a new planet called Earth. Lucifer has a bad plan and so he became Satan and his followers became black people and Jesus had a good plan and he became… well… Jesus and his followers became us – upper middle class white home-schoolers.

As opposed to real Christianity in which the real Jesus Jesus is of no blood relation to Satan at all nor was anyone upstairs having real sex with anyone.  Also – the color of your skin is only bad if you are an illegal and can’t speak proper American.


The Mormon Jesus was begat by an actual sex act between Elohim and Mary.

In Mormonese the word ‘tabernacle’ appears to mean ‘had sex with’. In other words, Elohim had to get Jesus to come out of the birth canal of a thirteen year old virgin named Mary in order to appeal to the Christian demographic of Joseph Smith’s time.

So Elohim ‘tabernacled’ her and got her with child which means he ‘foibled’ her or he ‘knew’ her in the biblical sense. And that’s how the virgin Mary got knocked up with Jesus!  So the question is – if Elohim had ‘real sex’ with the Virgin Mary, she obviously wasn’t a virgin anymore.  However!  Since Elohim was a God, his penetration doesn’t actually count – so Mary’s virginity web remained in-tact.  She only became truly de-flowered after she had sex with Joseph who came along later in the story and was far less spectacular in bed than Elohim who had the God mojo going on.  Unless you are Catholic and then Mary never had sex.  Ever.  Ever, ever, ever, ever EVER!

As opposed to real Christianity in which the Jesus Jesus was begat by a magic insemination process involving the Holy Spirit and a thirteen year old girl named Mary.  No physical body fluids were exchanged at all and there was nothing remotely resembling ‘hanky panky’ or ‘tabernacling’ going on.



The Mormon Jesus had three wives.
According to the Mormons, Jesus married the sisters, Mary and Martha and also the infamous Mary of Magdalene. Plenty of ‘tabernacling’ went on and lot’s of babies were born.

However, in regular Christianity, the Jesus Jesus loved children and wanted them to come to him and did not hinder them, but he did not marry any of them. He was celibate and died a virgin and according to the Catholics – so did his mom, who actually did not die but magically flew up to heaven just like her Son also did after he came back from the dead and wandered around for a few days. EXCEPT!, according to the protestants – Mary was eventually defiled (foibled, tabernacled, known and righteously nailed) on numerous occasions by her husband Joseph resulting in the brothers and sisters of Jesus who are clearly named in the bible in spite of the Catholics insistence on Mary’s life long virginity. The protestant Mary also did not magically float off into heaven – instead she just sort of melts away and like most women in the bible – no one really gives a crap what happened to her which is how it should be.








So as you can see by this summary, the Mormons are clearly headed to hell and sadly, the Catholics too (sorry guys!).  I feel bad about writing that and I hope it won’t make all the Mormons and the Catholics stop reading this blog.  I know we should probably just focus on the things we agree on like hating all public school teachers and blaming them for the evil in the world, and finding more ways that the bible says that Obama is the anti-Christ.  But since we are talking about your eternal souls here – I thought it was important to at least mention that if you believe in the wrong Jesus, you are going to burn forever.

Of course you CAN REPENT!

Just stop believing the wrong Jesus and start believing in the right (my) Jesus.  Then we can all spend eternity together in heaven having zero sex and making zero spirit babies and just standing around on golden streets in our white robes (not fig leaf aprons) singing praise songs all day and all night.  It’s gonna be SO FUN!

Hope 2 see U there!


Comments (talk about me please)

  • Kait

    I had no idea what you were talking about as I don’t bother getting the “homeschooling” crap from PW. So I took a trip over there. I had to stop scrolling after a few too many shots I could have done without seeing. What does any of that have to do with homeschooling?? “The homeschooler does vacation” I mean who the hell cares? Perhaps I only am only uninterested and see no point in it, because woman scares me. Maybe if I thought was the least bit amusing it would not be so annoying.

  • Kharn

    OMG! Or is it OMJJ?

    So, the real Jesus Jesus was begat when the virgin Mary was tabernacled by a dude with God mojo?

    Awesome. If only I still went to church and could ask the pastor if my new Chreeschun belief system jibedibbydubs with church doctrine. (Don’t worry, peeps, I know cpr as well as the F.A.C.E test for strokes. No shaman will die on my watch, no sir!)

    (Tabernacled … I’m so working that into conversation. “Well, that meeting sure was a cluster tabernacle!” “Dang, biatch, that’s tabernacled!”)

    Thanks, Pie Near. That tabernaclin’ rocked!

  • There sure is a lot of begettin’ and begottin’ going on!

    Double snap. I don’t have the words for the level of brills this posting is.

  • Mo

    OMSH, that was a very educational post. I appreciate all the hard work you put into it, except sometimes you go on and on AND ON, and also I don’t really give a fig leaf about how you and your family eat hamburgers on vacay, or about all these Jesuses. Or is that Jesi? Maybe your homeschooled kids can help me out with the proper plurality of the deities — what a lesson it could be!

    What I do give a fig leaf about is that you finally changed the avatar of you with your head tilted back in that “look at me so filled with joie de vivre!!” pose. I know “joie de vivre!!” was what you were going for but you looked a little crazy, like your husband just touched your dirty pillows and you liked it! You really liked it!

    That avatar got on my nerves and made me not want to read your posts. And although you look like a little bit like a clown in the new one (and still scary… I think it might be your eyebrows) the new one is better, so thanks! But I still don’t want to read your posts.

    • Dirty Catholic

      you killed me with the dirty pillows comment.

  • I’m cracking up, that avatar looks just like Chucky and is so appropo for that crazy ass OMSH. Can you imagine being stuck in a car with that shrieking harridan?

    I believe she lives near the state prison in Huntsville, Texas. In fact, I’ve often wondered if she did time there.

    • Pie Near Woman

      I had to change her name because of you TMW. She is now Oh My Shrieking Harridan.

  • Kate

    This WAS ‘stinkin’ hilarious!’

  • leslie

    wow. that was pretty harsh.

  • Jesus Jesus! The regular Jesus! You kill me!

    You know, those four years I spent in a religious high school were obviously a big fat waste of time, because it would have been much better to just read your blog to be (home)schooled on proper religion and the true word of the (real) God, as opposed to the impostor God that those unfortunate Mormons believe in.

    Well-written, well-thought out, well reenacted, well– just about everything.

    AND THOSE DOLLS. PERFECTION. You must have an eBay bill running up into the triple digits, Pie Near.

    Thank you thank you for making me laugh. Again.

    A loyal reader and fellow disliker of Pioneer Whore,

  • Peter60

    I am a Mormon and I gotta say…..You do not know what you are talking about. The stuff about Mormons was produced by expanding a couple of pieces of doctrine way beyond recognition.

    • Penny

      Peter this post is not real…do you get it? It’s a satire of a truly uninformed woman’s post on PW’s homeschool page. Your comment is more appropriate over there I think.

    • Amanda

      Whoops! Looks like someone missed the oft repeated ‘THIS SITE IS A PARODY OF A BUNCH OF DUMB BITCHES’

  • Ok, so I’m not crazy. That lady has about 549 too many photos of her boring vacation on another person’s website.

    Now, I’m under 30, living in sin in NYC, with no current plans for procreation, so don’t ask me why I’m spending my free time browsing the homeschooling section of PW. I guess I was just trying to understand what the deal is with homeschooling.

    Thing is, I never actually saw any posts about homeschooling. It was all pictures from some weird, boring Christ-y version of National Lampoon’s Vacation. WHO CARES. I even googled OMSHI’mAnEgoManiac to see why people tolerated this blog-jacking.

    I’m still confused. Was there outcry for more photos of the super-exciting drive across Nevada?

    • Pie Near Woman

      But didn’t you enjoy all the funny face photos? Surely that made it all worth while?

      • Moonyen

        Love it! Why does that oldest girl bug the ever loving shit out of me?

        • Pie Near Woman

          Unfortunately, her mother doesn’t seem to understand how to ‘market’ her daughter. We are getting adolescence in it’s supreme awkwardness and it’s extremely painful to watch.

        • Stella

          Thank God!! I am not the only person to see that bullshit?????

          It’s those fucking glasses. Well……..and the backpack…….and the socks………and the mixed prints………….oh whatever. Have I said too much????

          Glad I’m not the only one who has the shit bugged out of them too cuz of that whack job kid with the even bigger whack job mother!!!


      • You know what’s more boring than watching a slide show of a stranger’s boring vacation?

        Watching a slide show of a stranger’s boring vacation with a bunch of “funny face” shots mixed in!

        • MyReehurts

          Well, don’t forget the shots of what they had for breakfast, and a pic of a big plastic cup of water. Yes, water in a cup with a straw- it doesn’t get more exciting than that.

  • Except for Mr. Awesome Sauce who tends to look like a dour dark-age monk intent on taking the sex parts out of every witchy woman he sees and chopping off the hands of every thirteen year boy old who dares to relieve his extraneous spermatozoa behind the barn!  But he does that totally in the NAME OF JESUS YA’LL.  Can you feel the LOVE!

    This=comedy fucking gold

  • You need another installment on Jesus’s marriage and his children (it ain’t just Dan Brown who believes that; Mormons think it probably happened, too!). If you like irreverent and fun stories about Mormons, then check out It’s written by a gay Mormon.

  • susan

    these comments are hilarious to your fabulous post. i too never read that home schoolin crap, but will check it out. love the comments by Kharn. ‘dang biatch, thats tabernacled!’. hilarious…..

  • poppy

    I am not going to comment on this one, because I am afraid the real OMSH will hunt me down and poke my eyes out with super-sharp #2 pencils. Kind of like Scanners.

    • Stella

      LOL. She just needs to glare, that’ll do more damage than the #2 super sharps!!!


  • She always looks happy doesn’t she? But there is bad juju lurking behind those twinkling eyes. She’s looking to take over the world one woman at a time. I’m a homeschooler, trust me they’re out there. “Well, hi y’all, love you so much, don’t want you to burn for eternity. It would hurt my soul.” They’re like little mice, multiplying like crazy spreading “cheezus for Jeezus”

    • Kait

      There is “happy” and there is psycho (which can be mistaken for happy). I am afraid she is the psycho.

  • Karin

    all this talk of “tabernacling” makes me hot….can’t wait to show these pictures to my husband….. and since we’re getting a bible lesson from it, it must be considered acceptable christian porn…….

  • ADoyle

    This post is hilarious, as well as the comment from someone who doesn’t seem to understand satire.

  • Kay in KCMO

    Pie Near, I’ll just leave this here…,213008 It’s actually even a bit weirder than what you make it out to be.

    Btw, love that the Mormons are in temple clothes, but you forgot the green aprons!

  • Bridget

    I have another community question to pose to THE Pie Near Woman. (Although I am afraid she will not deign to answer it because she is so busy with all that me time that she has to spend being me, me, MEEEE. Help Me Rhonda because it’s got be all about me). So I suppose that I will pose my Community Question to the community. A question ripped from the headlines of Oh My Get the F Out of Your Car & Try Walking Around Outside in Nature or OMSH Homeschooling Blog.

    Some States are contemplating requiring public school teachers to give grades to parents based on their child’s educational progress or lack thereof. This, of course, begs the question. If parents do start getting graded and are the ones who can make or break their child’s educate on; and I quote, “I wonder what it is that schools are responsible for – other than “socialization”- as we homeschoolers keep hearing about.”

    So Pie Near Woman any thoughts? Community? What are public schools good for? Other than just giving children the opportunity to “socialize” with each other? We all know that the only kind of socializing that occurs among the great unwashed, demon spawned public school kids is crack smoking, sex, discussions about evolution (which we all know is completely false, a hoax perpetrated upon us right thinking Americans by propaganda from Satan’s scientist), alcohol and drug fueled orgies, crack smoking, sex, there is a lot of sex and drugs and worship of false idols.

    So really what is the use of public schools? If parents really cared about children, they would take a match to every public school because now that teachers want parents to get involved in their child’s education. Public schools are completely dunzo and are totally useless, which let’s face facts that is what we homeschoolers have thought all along.

    • Pie Near Woman

      Hmmmmm. There certainly does seem to be a link between involved parents and academic success. And I am just speaking as an observer and not from any type of empirical evidence. But grading parents? What is the intended outcome? If a parent receives a failing grade, is the hope that it will inspire the parent to be more involved? Hmmmmm.

    • No Nic

      Bridget, let me give you some food for thought.

      Socialization is extremely important. It has huge consequences in terms of future success in life. It would be a false dichotomy to apply this to public school and not to homeschooling, since a well-adjusted home-schooling environment would involve proper socialization–nor is attendance of public school a panacea.

      Public schools are, however, a lifeline for many children. It may be a child’s only contact with social services such as nutrition, medical care, social services, and remedial services.

      My mother had NPD. I am firmly convinced that had homeschooling culture been as firmly established then as it is now, I would not have been allowed of her suffocating embrace any time soon. Academically, I did learn a lot at home rather than at school, but by late grade school and most definitely in junior high I was vastly exceeding her knowledge and ability to teach. (My father worked full-time and then came home and did his “second job” doing all the household chores that my mother was and is too lazy to do, so he had very little time to tutor any of us.)

      Today in Christian homeschooling circles it is now fashionable to dismiss such limitations as girls (“children of sweet and pure minds”) do not need such education. This is, of course, outrageous, and flies in the face of centuries of American culture. 19th century American girls typically had an eighth grade education, if not more, while boys were lucky to finish 6th grade, and it was extremely rare for American girls to be married before age 19. Arranged marriages, which were quite typical among the middle class in continental Europe at the time in order to preserve familial property/status, were all but unheard of. Out of wedlock births were rare. Males typically lost their virginity at a younger age to a prostitute, although, contrary to modern practice, oral sex, even with a prostitute, was considered somewhat taboo. American women faced legal discrimination in multiple spheres, including in marriage law, employment, and the right to vote. However, by comparison to the Dominionist slavery of women and girls within the home endorsed by religious fanatics today, American women of the pioneer era enjoyed a much higher degree of autonomy. Family ties were considered extremely important in that era, much more so than today, so, as in many traditional societies, a woman who was being mistreated by her husband could appeal to the protection of her kin. And while the social ideal of womanhood was to reign over the domestic sphere, the temporary and sometimes permanent abandonment of wives by men seeking their fortune in the gold fields of the West or forced separation by men seeking labor income after homestead crop failures led to a great number of female head of households who managed farms and started businesses.

      Of the many charges leveled against the Mormon community ruled by Brigham Young, perhaps the most salient was the economic ruin the practice of multiple marriage brought to women and children. Without adequate income, some children literally starved in Utah.

      My point in all this is that while women were lacking legal rights, the need for domestic labor gave women a bargaining chip which they now lack. Hence the need today for more extensive legal protection for women from domestic abuse. The homeschooling paradise of ignorant girls ignores economic realities. The value of domestic labor in economic terms has been eroded by technology. Therefore a woman without earning power outside the home is useless except as a sexual and reproductive slave. This is the “pure, sweet, Godly” future that Godbot women are preparing their daughters for.

      Cultures progress slowly, but regress quickly. (Cf: Afghanistan and Iran) What future will there be for any of our girls when some are being pimped out by their own parents into a life of physical and mental abuse? And what of their children?

      The public school opened up the outside world to me. It was huge to me that there was an authority in the world other than Mother and the Church. No, school did not “indoctrinate” me (I was nonplussed by our pagan Earth Day festivities at the public school, for example) but I grasped at a very young age that there was a world of laws which applied to all people equally–even to those who had dominion over my world. For example, teachers were not allowed to impose their religious beliefs on us. Teachers were also not allowed to strike us. I learned from this that even when a person has authority over another, not everything is allowed. (In my mother’s twisted mind, of course, everything was allowed. And the Church attempts to teach young minds the same thing–God has the right to kill you and torture you forever because of what your grandmother Eve did before you were born.) These were powerful lessons that had a profound effect on my life without anyone saying a word.

      There are many children out there whose parents are working multiple jobs and would not have a prayer of teaching their kids adequately at home. There are many children who come from abusive homes, who have parents who weren’t prepared to have kids or who emotionally lack the capacity to be good parents for whatever reason. These kids are not going to be as successful academically as those who come from a secure, stable, economically privileged, and loving home, but they still deserve a chance at a better life. A third of all American children today will spend at least one year of their childhood under the poverty line, but far fewer adults will live under such conditions. Children do grow up from poverty to ascend to the middle class. But they can’t do it without help.

      You are fortunate, thanks to saved wealth, your partner’s income, or Uncle Sam, to have adequate financial support to be able to stay at home and teach your children. Count your blessings. Others do not.

      And don’t forget about kids like me or Ree’s kids or Pastor Phelps of WBC fame’s kids, kids with a parent who is crazy and can’t set psychic boundaries. (Fred Phelps was such a tyrant that when his older children were teenagers he drove the young Catholic girl friend of one of his sons to suicide.) These parents literally compete with their own children–same-sex children may be especially vulnerable.

      Without the intervention of the state–the community–the village–or however you wish to characterize it–these children must grow up alone and subject to the most extreme mental and physical abuses. Over the course of the 20th century, truancy laws have been the safety net for millions of vulnerable children.

      I would fear for Ree’s kids except that her wealth and laziness have led to them being surrounded by dozens of outsiders and domestics (=prying eyes). She can hurt her kids but she isn’t in a position at present to seriously harm them. Although time will tell.

  • Bridget

    I meant to say that the quote did not come from one of OMSH post, but the other women that writes on PW homeschooling blog. I meant to say I don’t believe this women is capable of logical thought. The question she posed just seems completely ridiculous. How does grading parents equate to the teachers being absolved of all responsibility for teaching their classes. From doing their job. Getting parents involved in the educational process could actually make it easier for a teacher to do their job and could benefit the students, but no this is just one more way that teachers are trying to get paid to do nothing.

    I am jealous of PW. I am jealous of how many people read her blog and what pisses me off is that her site is a complete waste of space. Oh the ideas that could be shared and discussed. Instead it just a bunch of mis-informed hens blathering about nothing.

    • Pie Near Woman

      Bridget – console yourself with the fact that the ‘blathering hens’ are boring, narrow minded people. I’d prefer the company of a single interesting, open minded person than a hoarde of un-thinking dingbats. I don’t believe that PW wields any influence on issues that truly matter. She may be able to set a pulse to racing over an orange cooking pot, but she certainly doesn’t move her mindless readers on issues of public policy.

  • amy


    Your question is a good one. However, you are right that in order to have it mentioned by Pie Neer Woman, you must make it about HER. So, to rephrase your request, here goes:

    Pie Neer!

    YOU are so beautiful! Even when you are discarding your mint green chemise, you are amazing.

    Amazing! So amazing that I could never hope to be you. But I will always want to be.


    I do want to be more like you though. Every reader does. I bought your mascara. I cooked your cowboy lasagna. I hired illegals to work for me. I took pictures of my husband’s butt. My hiney tingled! But not like yours. Never as much as yours. It’s not the same. But almost!

    But…I have a problem. And my problem is that I am not as perfect as YOU! YOU are the perfect mama. How do you do it? How do you homeschool your kids and stay so beautiful and cook delicious complicated food with shredded cheese and butter and keep those sweet babies of yours so smart? HOW???
    I send my kids to public school and now I think I am WRONG. The homeschool moms are giving me a D. Is it my fault? Is it?? Please tell me! Tell me what is the RIGHT thing to do and I will do it! Every day I wake up and think “WWPNWD”? (What Would Pie Neer Woman Do?) So please tell me, and your loyal readers, what to dooooo??

    • WWPNWD – too funny.

      • HollyJay

        WWPNWD for a Klondike bar?

    • Penny

      Amy that totally needs to be a t-shirt…..I love it!

    • Bridget

      Okay I think I get it now. Whose the greatest in the world? Whose the bestest blogger ever? You are! YOU ARE! The Pie Near Woman is the greatest Pie Near Woman in all the land. I don’t know if there is anyone as smart as you, nor is there anyone more intelligent, so you would are the only one who could answer my question- Public Schools, what are they good? Absolutely nothing.

      Does anyone remember when Ree would give advice to her readers? She did a few blog post that were formatted like an advice column. This was in the beginning years and I thought she had reached the height of her hubris then. Boy was I wrong.

  • Lily

    O my god. Pie near, I ‘m dying (without even reading the original blog this is a parody of). Time to team up with Seinfeld or something like that. I want to see your TV comdy show on the air!

    • amy


      I agree!!

  • CC

    OMG-those are the Sunshine Family dolls- I played with those when I was a kid. I had the craft store & house. Love this blog. I am an occaisional reader of PW and have noted the patronizing format of her posts as well. Keep up the hilarity.

  • Penny

    Please, please Pie Near Woman….in the name of all that is good in this world…..give the people what they want and do a
    “Rust-Colored Sassoon Panties” post. Or better yet…the one where Pesky Tim sees your delicate white panties on the bathroom floor!

    P.S. Did I mention how particularly beautiful you look today?

    • HollyJay


      Imagine the photos that would go with it…I’m giggling just thinking about it.

  • MyReehurts

    Holy Jesus Jesus, I don’t know how you keep making every post funnier than the last. You have a very special gift.

  • [...] Oh Jesus Jesus! __________________ "Ever since we could think for ourselves we wondered what will happen to us. But it can't be foretold what the future will hold: if you'll get rich or get hit by a bus. The surprises in life keep us on our toes, like a sock in the jaw, like a punch to the nose. They keep us guessing, they mix it up. The surprises, the surprises in life!" [...]

  • Channie

    I saw the post on Pioneer Woman’s site and I still think this post is rude and offensive to Mormons. Its grossly inaccurate.

    • Pie Near Woman

      Yes but, don’t you think my hair is pretty?

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