Inside the Pie Near Woman

Chopped!

Posted by Pie Near Woman

 

 

Hey guys!

Oh my gosh!

I just got back from a whirl wind trip to New York City!

NEW YORK CITY!

Can you say it like the Pace Picante Sauce commercial?

Cause that’s what I always think of whenever I say “New York City.”

NEW YORK CITY!

See!

I just did it again!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA!!

Oh my GAWD!

I can’t stop laughing over the funniness of that!

NEW YORK CITY!

Bwah haw haw har hwar hwah hwawha ho har har hee hee haw hwah hwarh HO!

So So SO HILARIOUS!

But seriously guys!

Did I tell you about that one time I was on our Vail Vacation and I was skiing down a trail and suddenly my hips started to give weigh under the bounteous firmament that exists beneath my flowy tops?  It was SO SCARY!  I started to wheeze and snurfle and gag and chortle and sing opera and yodel and all while struggling to hold onto seventeen cans of sweetened condensed milk (that I always keep with me in case of an emergency) and that’s when I discovered that I couldn’t breathe!  Plus I was lost in the mountains and then there was also my acl.  Oh my goodness!  You don’t even want to know about my acl and how funny it is because HELLO!  I have a doctor daddy who knows exactly what an acl is!

But enough about my doctor daddy!

Let’s get back to my lost aloneness with hurty hips and sweetened condensed milk on the ski slopes of Vail!

 

So there I was guys!

Lost!

And ALONE!

And with super hurty hips!

Not to mention my ACL!!!

Have I told you about my ACL yet?

What about my doctor daddy…..?

 

So I was trying to ski my way back home to the comfort of our cushy condo and a gigantic steaming bowl of pork chili topped with devilled eggs, whipping cream and chocolate ganache when suddenly I started to cry!

I know!

 

How weird for me to confess to any other kind of emotion than a super saccharine, sunny non-stop optimism that stems from a cheery vacancy of the mind!

But there I was!

Frozen.

Aching

Hungry

Abandoned

And worried that I would die on a ski slope in Vail all by myself without even a single camera around to record my final dimple flash!

 

It was SO frightening!

 

But then I turned my head slightly to the left and realized that I had never even left the condo yet!

 

Oh my GOSH!

 

What a RELIEF!

 

Just imagine if I had died!

 

Can you visualize the giant sucking hole that would have ripped open in the universe!

Who would educate my children?

AND WHO WOULD FEED THE WORLD!

I feel like I should just drop to my knees and say a prayer right now that nothing bad happened to me while I was on vacation!

Please bow your heads and pray with me….

Dear Lord,

Thank You So Much for not letting me die on the ski slopes in Vail from a broken acl, hurty hips and from being alone without a camera crew to record how cute I was even in the throes of death.  I think we both know Lord, that I have long been your favorite and even though you might want me up there in heaven with you, it is probably even better for me to continue to be a famous blogger/writer/photographer/television star/cook/mama/and wife to my hubby of the heavenly haunches until I am totally old and gross and no longer relevant.  Then you can beam me up Scotty!  Hee hee!

 

Amen.

 

Now let’s make a salad!

 

BECAUSE GUYS!

 

When I was in New York City this week

 

(NEW YORK CITY!!!!)

 

I had a salad!

 

And it was so yummy!

 

No, you don’t understand.

 

My salad was the yummiest salad you could possibly ever imagine!

 

Because it was MY salad.

 

Surely that clears it all up.

 

So there I was

 

In New York City

 

(NEW YORK CITY!)

 

Just like I always am!

Doing my famous blogger, photographer, writer, mother, wife, and especially COOK for all the world to see, when suddenly I was

confronted by the world’s most incredible salad.

Floating in front of me like a UFO!

And a little man standing behind the floating salad began to ask me what I would like in my salad and I found that I was suddenly struck dumb by both the beauty of the salad and the extra terrestrial encounter I was having and I could only communicate by pointing!

And so that’s what I did!

I pointed my way to the most incredible salad in the history of salads!

Why do all of these amazing things always happen to ME?

Oh my GOSH!

Here’s how I pointed out my most amazingest salad of all time!

 

 

I pointed at the olives!

I pointed at the ham!

 


I pointed at the cheeses!!


And the butter!!!

 

 

And the JAM!!!

 

I pointed at the pickles!!!

I pointed at the YAM!

Give me those marshmallows buddy!

I screamed at the little man!

Then I grabbed a bottle of hot sauce!

Cuz you know I love the heat!

 

And some jalapenos baby

Me this salad will complete!

 

Since this salad was my baby

I began to lactate hard

And that is the end of this rhyme cuz mama ain’t no bard.

Besides, it’s time to top this salad with a little something I like to call…

 

 

Blue Cheese Salad Dressing!

I love Blue Cheese SO MUCH!

I can’t ever get enough of it!

 

Never, ever, ever, EVER!

 

I just want to bathe in blue cheese salad dressing!

I want to shower in it!

 

Oh my gosh guys!

If this is what drowning feels like, then bring it to me baby!

 

Mmmmm.  Mmmmmm.  Mmmmm.

The only thing better than eating blue cheese salad dressing, is being covered in it from head to toe!

Who wants to lick mama off?

Delicious!

Now, tump that big ole bowl full of creamy, dreamy yummy tum tummys onto a cutting board.

 

And let the chopping commence!

Don’t forget to add some more blue cheese salad dressing!

 

Be generous!

Be kind!

Don’t even think about holding back!

Because why would you?

The pure decadence of this salad will change your life forever!

 

And then go ahead and jump on in!

And remember!

If your salad doesn’t stick to you, it isn’t going to taste very good.

I can’t wait to decide what to eat next!

Pie Near Woman

Comments (talk about me please)

  • “Give it to me daddy.” You and Mario Batali, The Metaphor Whisperers. Actually, your salad looked better than hers.

  • Lindsey K

    BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

    That is all.

  • poppy

    Now I know what to have with my Salisbury Steak tonight! Is this in your new cookbook? Swoon.

    • Bridget

      Yeah but did this recipe only make you swoon? Because it made me swoon, say amen for five minutes straight, and then my skirt flew up. Who is Pie Near’s number one fan now? I AM. I AM.

      Please note that this was spoken with about a pound of sarcasm.

  • meme

    Thank you thank you for bringing me over from the dark side. I have seen the light and found you and Malboro Woman. I was dumdfounded by “reds” explanation of a simple chopped salad and the picture of her using 2 knives. I don’t think that technique is taught at any culinary school, is it? This site is genius and makes me laugh out loud each time there’s a post. Everyone needs to Google The New Yorker article from May 9, 2011 really eye opening. Your parody is priceless.

  • Chicken Lips

    Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU Pie Near for showing me how to finally make a salad. Without your tutelage, me and my peasant ways wouldn’t have added butter or Corn Pops (kinky!). Man, what a frickin’ rube I’d be!

    I will make one modification (and then post the recipe as my own and only my own) and use ranch dressing instead of blue cheese. Sorry, but after you seeing you coat yourself in blue cheese, I knew that I could never live up to blue cheese’s standards. I hear all the salad dressings talking about “Once you go Ree…” and then they burst into laughter and can’t finish, but I’m sure it means I would never be worthy.

  • Marcia

    I so can’t wait to make this for dinner. Without the marshmallows though-do you think that would be alright? To not follow the recipe exactly? Because I worry that if I don’t follow your instructions exactly it won’t make me swoon. All your recipes make me swoon. Every one a new experience :)

    • Pie Near Woman

      I don’t understand why you would not add the marshmallows? You must have a terribly unsophisticated palette.

  • Hi Pie Near!

    First, I have to say that I am so sorry to hear about your hurty hips. You poor thing! (Are you sure that virile husband of yours didn’t have something to do with it, hmmm? Just sayin’.)

    Second, that salad looks amazing. I am going to make one tonight. And I agree that the marshmallows are a necessary component (duh).

    Third, I wanted to give you a little tip of what I do to make my salad extra special. I add vodka. Vodka makes everything better. You can add the vodka first or last, doesn’t matter.

    Please give me credit when you put this recipe in your best-selling cookbook and you modify it to include the vodka. My name is spelled M-O-V. I would like to be credited.

    Hello? Hello?

    Hello, Pie Near? Credit?

    best,
    MOV

    • Pie Near Woman

      Dear MOV,

      No.

      Pie Near

  • Just sayin

    oh em gee. She was HERE? Right in my hometown? Shudder. I was sure I’d felt some weird vibrations one day, and wasn’t the sky a very odd color? Guess it was the Pioneer Woman apocalypse.

    Awesome piece, as usual.

  • Raven

    Oh. My. God. Pie Near Woman posits the revolutionary concept of a “salad bar” (did I say that right?!) with, no wait, that can’t be right…a CHOICE of TOPPINGS???!!! Pure heresy, I say! And one has to go to such jet-setting destinations such as none other than New York City to get such culinary concoctions!!!!! A salad cut with knives! I feel almost giddy with the cosmopolitaness of it all!

  • SusanM

    Funny stuff. Really, truly, chuckling out loud funny. “:who wants to lick mama off”… heh…

  • Bridget

    Pie Near Lady. You must still be all shook from your near death experience on the slopes at Vail because you forgot to say Amen. After you mentioned butter.

    A quick moment of silence as I say a prayer to our Lord and Savior Jesus Pioneer Woman Christ. Our Lord who art in Oklahoma. Thank you for sparing Pie Near Woman from her pie-a-near  death experience and for not taking her up into the great pie in the sky. 
     
    I see that some of your senses have returned because you didn’t forget to mention your daddy the surgeon, your hips, or the anatomy knowledge that you possess because your daddy was a surgeon.

    As a loyal, rabid reader I love how you tell the same story over and over again. If you didn’t constantly remind us of your life of privilege growing up on a golf course (funny I thought a house would get in the way of the golfers), your fabulously, hip life as an upcoming city girl in LA, and now  living on a ranch with your lusty, virile, violently chiseled Marlboro Man, four aryan nation children and a basset hound them I get violently confused if you are actually you. Without those details then I am not sure if I am even reading your blog. Your other readers must feel the same because you always say the same thing and post the same pictures over and over again. The recipes I find on your blog are all over the internet and in several church cookbooks I own, so I can’t tell if I am on your site based on recipe content alone.

    Many say that your stories have become boring and repetitive, but to me they are my life’s blood. How else can I escape my terrible life, if you don’t keep telling me how fabulous your life is?

    Pie Near Lass. You must be one of god’s favorite little lambs because so many interesting, fascinating, wacky, and wonderful things happen to you. Like how you had to rub yourself with dryer sheets in Boston or how you ran right into a wall at the airport. Nothing that wacky, crazy, or funny ever happens to anyone 
    else.  Some people may describe those events as inane and boring, but to this loyal reader, those events are hilariously wacky. 

    You might be just a ranch wife stuck in the middle of nowhere, but you are able to find fun and adventure everywhere you go. Is there hope for this small town girl if I act, cook, take photos, and write just like you? Fame can happen to anyone like it did you. You just worked hard and one day you were surprised by fame. You are my inspiration. 

    I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT TO SKI IN VAIL!!!!! 

    *jumps up and down, squeeling with joy for you* 

    As a budget reader. The closest my family came to a winter holiday is when I covered the backyard hill with homemade snow. Of course, I followed your recipe for the snow and it was prefect. Like real snow but not as cold, a little sticky and the coconut reminded me of the beach. But I shouldn’t quibble because all your recipes churn out food that is just pure gold.

    May god continue to shower blessings and blue cheese on you. You must take an awful lot of showers. When god was pouring the blue cheese on you. It almost seemed that you were screaming out with sexual pleasure, but that can’t be the case. Can it? You were just rejoicing because of god and his blue cheese gift. Right?

    Can I come live on the ranch with you? Hire me. I am a great toe picker. 

    • Lily

      LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Amen, Bridget!

  • Lily

    PieNear: Ok, this one was outta the park!!!! I was dying of laughter-thank you!!!

  • Claire

    LOL I like that you buy organic, Pie Near!! I am so going to try your salad, and even though you have nearly every recipe on the net, I am going to buy lots of your cookbooks to put on my coffee table!! Girl Power!!

  • Sue M.

    Best yet.

  • NG

    I have read this post 3 times now. After the first time, I had to go over to the toe-pickers site to see for myself that she actually posted about a SALAD BAR!! And then, chopped it with two knives.

    It was like she was actually a parody of herself, but then my joy was elevated even more when I came back and fully understood your post and the full impact of what a crackpot she has become hit me.

    Pure genius! (However, I am pretty sure she would NEVER use organic dressing…unless they offered her an endorsement)

  • I’m miffed she didn’t mention mandarin orange slices. And the only bad weather we’ve had in Boston (the entire month!) was the day she was here. I rest my case.

  • You kill me! I saw that post, and thought, how dopey do you have to be to not know how to chop a salad?

    I am breathlessly awaiting her post on slicing bread!

  • DK

    I found this woman’s blog ( The Pioneer Woman) about a month ago when I was looking things up about photography. I started reading it. All of a sudden, as a writer, blogger, photographer and baker, I started to feel inadequate. I actually got very depressed thinking things like, why isn’t MY blog this big and fancy with so many hits and comments? Why were my photographs sub par in comparison to Ree’s? Where was my cowboy and romantic life on the prairie? Why..why …why? My BF noticed I seemed a bit frustrated with all my accomplishments that week. All of a sudden I’m reading about her cookbooks, and her children’s story, and her Food Network show and really started under guessing myself again. I can do these things, etc. I was painfully jealous of her idyllic ranch life, beautiful kitchen, amazing photos, handsome, rugged cowboy husband….it was a fantasy life come true! All of a sudden my singleness of living in a small Boston condo with tiny kitchen with just an older cat made me feel like I was really missing something out of my life. I did professional interior design, photographed birds, collected vintage dishes and made killer cupcakes…where was MY payoff for these things? I was devastated that I had the skills it took to make my blog, my art, my photos famous and this hiney tingling ranch woman did it all! I really thought she was a humble farmer’s wife and I really rooted for her success! I was envious, but I was HAPPY she did it! This was long before I knew about the wealthy ranch husband, the books, the FN deals, etc. While I didn’t read her blog faithfully ( really only the photography sections) I was aware of the “bar” set by this “amazing” woman was extraordinarily high! I was forever going to be at my sub par level as long as she was around. Even Martha Stewart never intimidated me as much! At least Martha never tried to be humble about her wealth and status, and even if she planted a garden of 500 rare roses, a small garden of 10 bushes would have been enough for me! I grew up admiring Martha, but never felt depressed or inadequate because of her. Somehow I did here. Something was wrong! Very Wrong! I put PW on my Facebook but was hiding the stories that would come up! The book tours! The hotel rooms! She was even coming to the Boston area and my hiney tingled with the idea of showing up for a book signing! Thank Cheesus I was too lazy to go out that day! Anyway, it all came crashing down when I discovered her “romance” book……something began to stink! I dug a little deeper and started to find out things about her and her life, her wealth, her photoshopped perfect photos, etc. I am now happy to have my non pioneer life, my sweet Irish boyfriend, my elderly cat and my small Boston condo with it’s small kitchen. I no longer judge my photographs by Ree’s standards and I am starting to be recognized for my bird shots. I can still whip up some mean cupcakes when I need to! Good thing I’ve only known about PW for a month and was able to get out of that cult early! Thank you Marlboro Woman and Pie Near Woman for truly keeping it real! :)

    • Pie Near Woman

      You are welcome.

    • Welcome to the dark side, DK!

      I used to feel like everything you described. I felt inadequate and sub-par when I would read how PW does everything better and faster and more stylish-er than me. But now I realize that Pioneer Woman is actually 20 people and not one person, I feel relieved. If I had another 19 of me, I could certainly teach one of them to make cupcakes.

      best,
      MOV

  • I found your site after looking earnestly for a Dooce parody site. Your Dooce post was pitch perfect, but the satire of the PW…pure genius. I read “THE BREAD” post at 3:30 one morning on my iPad when sleep eluded me. I started to giggle, but was able to muffle the sound, then I started to howl, because I had actually inadvertently made “THE BREAD” that night when I realized I was out of fresh garlic. I served “THE BREAD” to my family, and my 16 year old son remarked, “You realize, you just made toast.”

    Once I remembered that, I started to snort, the bed was shaking from my suppressed laughter, and my husband woke up and demanded to know what was so funny at 3:30 in the morning. Once he was awake, I started to howl. I could not stop laughing. I tried to explain why this was so funny, and it just didn’t translate. Later in the morning at a more decent hour, I showed him a side by side comparison of your post and PW’s post. He couldn’t stop laughing, and proceeded to share it with everyone in his office. Even though they’re oblivious to the PW phenomenon, they thought it was hilarious.

    I was an early adaptor of PW’s site, but lost interest after several recipes flopped and content seemed repetitive and had no appeal to me. I’m virtual friends with Mrs. G, and that episode pretty much soured me completely on PW. I loathe the “Keeping it Real” mantra, when it’s clear she’s doing anything but.

    Bravo! Your website is so clever, and spot on…it’s endlessly amusing. Keep it up!

  • jill

    oh she’s totally real. she cooks, photographs, raises and homeschools children, entertains important political figures, travels the country taking photos of hotels and amusement parks, writes childrens’ books, writes cookbooks with recipes she creates for her family on a daily basis, takes 40 gazillion dogs and cats for regular vet checkups, cleans her own home, appears on several daytime television shows, assists with chores on a busy cattle ranch, looks after the care and feeding of hundreds of wild mustangs, spends quality time with several close friends, teaches Sunday School each and every week, creates exciting craft projects and helps her children make them, works with interior designers and various contractors to continuously upgrade the home and tv studio/guest home, bakes delicious handmade treats for family and friends for the holidays, exercises daily, attends all her childrens’ football and soccer games, updates an extensive blog almost daily, grows her own vegetables and cans them, grows berries and freezes them, makes all her own ice cream and a variety of coffee beverages and so much more.

    she does not sew.

    she should make all their clothes like I do.

    lazy ass cow.

  • Claire

    Hey! I have an idea. Why don’t you pick a tulip and put it on the cat’s back and take a dozen bad photographs. Then you can call yourself a photographer, Pie Diddy DumDum Diddy.

    • Pie Near Woman

      Oh m GOSH! You are not going to believe this, but I was THINKING THE SAME THING!

      • Claire

        LOL but yknow what? You may want to give Walter some modeling opportunities and incorporate his profound Walterieness into your professional portfolio. How about you put him in a baby dress and give him your eyeglasses? SO cute! Maybe try to crop his privates, tho..oh, what the heck! You talk about your dirty underwear to the web so anything goes, grfriend!!

  • Jane

    I came across your blog today, “Pie Near Woman,” and I can honestly say that I am disgusted. By doing a little hunting around on your blog, you are obviously living out your own sick fantasies through a barbie doll and spending your days taking pictures of them, and then POSTING them to make fun of someone else. Okay, I get it, you don’t like the Pioneer Woman, and it’s called jealously. Sure, she can sometimes write a little annoyingly, but is that really grounds for you to make a blog making fun of her life? It’s HER life, and if you don’t like it, stop reading it (because you obviously do). Thank you for listening to my rant, and I hope you take some of this to heart: this is not a way to treat another person, and it’s called cyber bullying (even though you are both adults).

    • Pie Near Woman

      I know! It’s SO horrible! Almost as bad as encouraging all those obese Oklahomans with heart disease to kill themselves with butter and lard!

      • Claire

        Oh, there there pie nare…we can’t expect the homeschool militia to understand art…:)

  • Hi Jane! Welcome!

    It’s not “called jealousy,” it’s called satire. A quick Google search defines it thus:
    1.The use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices.
    2.A play, novel, film, or other work (*in this case, a blog*) that uses satire.

    Pie Near is a satire, like Saturday Night Live or Portlandia or (if you’re old enough) The Carol Burnett Show. SATIRE.

    And it stopped being Ree’s private life when she started trying to make money off it by taking her whole farce public. Then she is part of the public eye and will be talked about, for good or bad.

    The reason a site like Pie Near’s exists (besides to showcase Rechelle’s incredible talent and biting wit) is because Ree seems a caricature of herself: she acts like she does everything perfectly, but in reality she has an entire STAFF doing everything for her (including tutors for her kids, even though she claims to be homeschooling them). Like DK commented above, not even Martha Stewart brings that level of self-loathing and constant comparing to her viewers/ readers/ followers, because at least Martha readily admits to having people working for her. She does not pretend to be something she is not.

    Ree is all about illusion. Hate to shatter yours.

    best,
    MOV

    • Jane

      I just don’t understand why someone would take obviously hours out of their day to make fun of someone. Ok, the Pioneer woman might not be doing everything she says she is, but I honestly think that she is trying to be a good mother. If you have the money, why not get tutors? I know plenty of families whose children have tutors even though they are in school. As for trying to kill people with lard, I have noticed lately on her blog that the offerings have been less unhealthy. This is a little different from something like SNL in that it isn’t even funny or clever- just mean spirited. I came across this site the other day, and I do NOT intend to come back. It makes me feel bad for the person on the receiving end of it.

      • jill

        Kthxbye

  • Jennie

    Mmmm, lots of inspiration for Ms Pie Near at The Gallery Of Regrettable Food:

    http://www.lileks.com/institute/gallery/

    You must must MUST check out “Meat! Meat! Meat! Also, Meat!”, Uncle Hank’s lucky sauce looks particularly tempting (and no, it’s NOT what you’re thinking…but it’s not good either).

    And don’t forget, vegetables are strictly ornamental

    • Southsidegirl

      I LOVE The Gallery of Regrettable Food! It makes me literally laugh out loud. But wait, according to Jane, that’s mean-spirited, making fun of those cookbooks. How dare we laugh! Obviously, I’m a satire freak…

    • Britt

      Great link!

      So much of that reminded me of PW’s cooking section! Especially Aunt Jenny’s Real-Life Stories. It sounded so much like PW’s writing! I wonder if she has that cookbook and “borrowed” from it!

  • Claire

    I almost forgot..some of those photographs..of the skylines in the city…did you really take those yourself? I’m getting confused….I suppose that is just a common thread on your site…oopsie! Sorry Charlie!

  • megacre

    I don’t want to swoop in here and say “Wow, super talented, brilliantly parodied.”
    You might think I am disingenuine.
    You are scathing. Really funny. The barbie/lucielle doll with her hands stuck in cubes of cheddar. Details details. You might wonder why I chose thatout of everything. Har.
    The kind of funny where I don’t have to to LOL!!!(snicker)
    I wanna play, with all of you, but MW won’t let me on the playground. Meany.
    I have scuttle, and I can maybe provide links.
    Does Ladd Drmmond have a son from a previous marriage.

    hmmmmmmmm.

    Pie Near, no matter what,put together a presentation for SNL. Hound them.
    Serious.
    I have a friend….of a cast memeber……
    Your too damn funny.

  • Websites worth visiting…

    [...]here are some links to sites that we link to because we think they are worth visiting[...]……

  • Oh my! Freaking hilarious! :D

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