All I Wanted Was A Donut!!
Guys.
Seriously.
All I wanted was a donut.
Is that really such a crime?
Just a donut!
Why is that so horrible?
WHY??
It’s just a freakin’ donut!
What did I ever do to make eating a donut such a crime?
I don’t deserve to be hated for this.
Just because I have grown a thick, well marbled layer of fat on my back that even my flowiest tops can no longer disguise, doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve the occasional convenience store apple fritter!
Besides!
It was totally calling my NAME!
I was powerless to resist it!
And anyway!!!
How long since I had indulged in a purely decadent treat?
Three hours?
FIVE!?!
SEVEN!?!?!
No one should have to suffer so long!
I was practically fainting from hunger!
I needed sustenance!
And quick!
My violent back fat be damned!
But the donut case would not cooperate!
I couldn’t get it to open!
It was stuck fast!
I yanked harder.
And harder!
But it just wouldn’t give!
Until suddenly!
It opened just a crack!
And I found myself dangling from the donut case by just my leg!
My leg was trapped!
It wouldn’t budge!
I could feel it slowly going numb.
First my toes, than my calf, then my massive thigh began to turn blue.
I was about to lose a limb!
I started to PANIC!
HELP!
RHONDA!
RHONDA!
HELP!!!
But Rhonda did not come to my aid!
So I did the only thing I could think to DO!
I heaved all my weight against the case to try and free my DYING LEG!!!
It worked like a charm!
My leg sprang free!
But now my head was stuck inside the donut case!
Oh my GOD!
I was choking to death!
The lid of the case was totally crushing my larnyx!
I couldn’t BREATHE!
I was being suffocated by a DONUT CASE!!!
“Help me Marlboro Man!!!” I rasped through my pulverized larnyx as loud as I could!
But MM didn’t come to help me!
So I pushed the case off of my neck all by myself!
And within seconds, I felt oxygen rushing back into my bloodstream.
My brain was saved!
MY BRAIN WAS SAVED!!!
But I was STILL STUCK!
And I was running out of strength.
A weariness born from my sedentary All-American ranching lifestyle coupled with a steady diet of highly refined carbohydrates and saturated animal fat began to overtake my being. To put this simply…
I was drowning in a river of my own lard!
“Never Fear” I told myself! Surely Marlboro Man would see me soon!
After all…
How can you possibly miss a large squealing woman trapped inside of a donut case?
But Marlboro Man was nowhere in sight!!!!
So mustering my last ounce of strength, I pushed my head out of the case and began to scream for help!
But nobody responded to my cries!
No one!
Nada!
No one was paying any attention to me!
It was like I had entered a parallel universe where I was just another rural housewife, subsisting on fatty farm recipes from the seventies and eighties while protecting my kids from the local ranch rabble by homeschooling them in traditional subjects like strawberry jam 101 and how to hollow out a bread bowl!
IT WAS A NIGHTMARE!!!!
And that’s when I knew what I had to do!
I stuck my thumb inside of my mouth and began to rock back and forth.
Back and forth.
BACK AND FORTH.
Until I had created enough momentum to bash open the donut case!
I threw all of my violent back fat straight into the walls of the donut case!
I felt myself hurtling through space!!!!
I was falling
Falling
Falling
Falling
Falling
FALLING!
FALLING
FALLING!!
FALLING
FALLING
FALLING
FALLING
FALLING
FALLING!!!!!!
And then I hit the ground.
But only for a second as my jiggly ass bounced me up into the donut case once again!
And I landed face first into a cake donut that was simply covered in Valentine sprinkles!
It.
Was.
Divine!
But I didn’t have the strength to hang on for long!
I felt myself slipping back to the ground!
Not wanting to lose my longed for delectable treat, I had to think fast!
I grabbed the donut with my teeth and held on for dear life as my body catapulted back to the floor one last time!
It was a triumphant moment for me!
I had won!
I had defeated the donut case and brought home a sweet trophy to boot!
Once a champion…
Always a champion!
Everyone in the gas station stopped what they were doing and looked my way!
I was totally back on top of my game!
On top of the WORLD!
Right where I belonged!
But then strangely…
I suddenly felt a little foolish!
Why do I always have to go to such extremes?
Did I really need a donut that badly?
Why does everything I do have to be so ludicrous?
Questioning myself for the first time in my life, and feeling a little bruised and bloody, I was relieved to hear a soft voice asking me if I was okay.
The voice wafted towards my ears on a breeze infused with the scent of freshly cut hay, bright morning sunshine and a meadow full of wild lilac!
It could only mean one thing!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Tia Juana!!!
The Illegal Native had returned!
Her skin was alight with the essence of a thousand mist filled mornings. Her hair radiated starshine. Her eyes were two soothing dark pools of Parisian chocolate. I wanted to wrap myself in her braids. I wanted to lay against her breast and latch onto the ancient circadian rhythms of all the earth women who controlled the world’s destiny through their thunder speak. I wanted to have her and to be her and to taste of her succulent juices while lolling on the golden streams of her intoxicating aroma.
“Are you okay Ree?” she asked me again in her soft voice that sounded of rain drenched tall grass sparkling in the morning sun.
“Uh… well… I just wanted a donut and I couldn’t get the case to open and Oh my Gawd Tia! What are you doing here?”
But before Tia could answer me, she was interrupted.
Because finally Marlboro Man appeared at my side!
At last!
He was here to rescue me!
My steed! My hero!
My knight in shining armour!
Help me honey!
Help mama to rise from this wreckage and I will even give you a bite of my donut!
But he didn’t even look at me!
He only had eyes for HER!!!
“Tia!” He exclaimed, “Where have you been? I have missed you SO MUCH!”
He wrapped her in his massive forearms and began to croon in a high pitched wail as he rocked her gently, sniffing at her ear lobes and licking her neck in some kind of primitive ranch ritual that I would never understand!
From my place on the floor with all the broken glass and donut crumbs, I watched the two of them reunite and I wondered why she was back.
After all…
Growing frantic at Marlboro’s Man complete lack of concern for my well being, I began to claw at their legs trying to break the vacuum seal that had formed between their loins.
And just as I was making a little headway I was rudely interrupted!
The gas station attendant began to harass me!
He probably wanted my autograph or something.
Fame is such a burden sometimes!
“Ma’am?” the barefoot, hippie gas station attendant that looked just like Trisha Yearwood interrupted me again.
I looked into her face and found myself wondering why she was here? Was this a promotional ad for her new show? Was I being secretly filmed? Was Trisha Yearwood baiting me with convenience store baked goods in an attempt to destroy me and gain my Saturday morning spot?
“Ma’am?” she said again, “Let me help you up.”
But I didn’t have time to bother with the likes of Trisha Yearwood right now!
I had a marriage to save!
MINE!
My Food Network Show was nothing without my sullen cowboy husband ignoring his tender offspring when they enthusiastically greeted him at dinner. I had nothing if he wasn’t filmed as he stiffly delivered lines to Cowboy Josh that I handwritten for him to say! Without him, my show would just feature another stupid, fat American pretending to know something about cuisine!
But she was determined to thwart me.
Feeling overcome by a thousand different emotions, I had a sudden irrisistible urge to self comfort with a large, fluffy, frosted, carbohydrate replete with sprinkles!
I reached for the broken donut.
But the gas station attendant yanked the donut out of my hand!
“You can’t eat this donut now ma’am. It probably has glass in it.” she said.
And that’s when I just lost it!
I began to cry!
I began to MOAN!
And GROAN!
From the depths of my bruised throat a screech began to rise.
I sounded like a hoot owl flying over a forest of smashed dreams!
The gas station attendant pulled me to my feet.
And heaved my ragged and torn body towards the cash register counter.
She helped me to lay down and then she brought me a soda.
“Here ma’am. Drink this. It’s on the house.”
At which point she turned around to clean up the broken glass.
And left me alone to contemplate the shattered remains of my own life.
Tia was back.
TIA WAS BACK!
I laid back on the counter and took a few sips of soda.
The sugary concoction oozed into my bloodstream and made me feel slightly better.
But I knew it wouldn’t last.
There wasn’t enough soda in the universe to make this feel better…
Not even a thousand apple fritters, a truck load of Doctor Pepper and a mountain of mama’s mashed potatoes could make me feel okay….
Why are people so horrible?
Why can’t people just appreciate the folksy ranchiness of my life?
All I ever wanted to do was to teach the world how to add butter to their spaghetti sauce and to make croutons from hot dog buns!
Why is that so wrong?
WHY???
WHY!!!???!!!
DYING!!! oh, the MM dialogue alone, collapsed me into hysterics!
Well… there’s always Thatcher (Cousin T).
Butter in spaghetti sauce?? Nasty.. That’s a joke, right?
I was thinking about the vodka penne when she adds a half a stick of butter. Completely unnecessary and weird.
Just seeing the title cracked me up – I should have known you wouldn’t pass that one up!!
Where to start? With YOU of course. YOU are amazing and brilliant and witty as all heck.
My favorite line (and there were MANY to choose from):
I wanted to wrap myself in her braids. I wanted to lay against her breast and latch onto the ancient circadian rhythms of all the earth women who controlled the world’s destiny through their thunder speak.
I mean, that’s pure gold, man (I also like to end my sentences with “man”, just like some people I “know”.)
Love the rust-colored sassoon panties making a comeback, along with the lovely Tia. And Trisha.
But I also wonder…which staging scenario did you get caught arranging by your son and his new girlfriend?
As always, you complete me.
I was working on this one when they showed up one hour before I expected them. I was watching the clock like a hawk thinking I would have it all put away before they arrived. But alas – no. That young relationship is forever scarred by young Kate (the girlfriend) walking in the house to find her new boyfriend’s mom (me) dressing Pie Near Woman surrounded on three sides by scattered barbie crap.
I can’t find the original on Pioneer Woman–is this based on one, because I REALLY want to read it! Also, I can’t find any reference to Tia Juana (obviously not her real name) on the PW site. Where did you first read about her? BTW this was hilarious, as usual!
Here’s the link – http://thepioneerwoman.com/blog/2011/12/all-i-wanted-was-a-doughnut/
I need to put a link up that explains who Tia Juana is. In Pie Near Woman world – she is the adopted native American sibling of Ladd and Pesky. Ladd and Pesky’s former nanny Ria De Janeiro was her mother. Her father is a murky figure yet to be discovered. In reality – Tia Juana Drummond receives agricultural subsidy payments along with all the other Pawhuska Drummonds. She is a figure that has long been discussed and speculated upon in certain circles of PW hate-mania. Is she a real person? If so – then why the silly name? Here’s the link to the subsidy page. http://farm.ewg.org/persondetail.php?custnumber=A05557068 If you search Pioneerwomansux for Tia Juana – you will find even more info on her.
Oh, that is actually a NAME? It reminds me of the apocryphal twins in the ‘next town’ that we always talked about as kids, who supposedly were named Lemonjello and… i don’t remember! Let’s just call him Puddin’ Pop.
Anyway, that name is too good to be true.
(Oh, just remembered: Orangejello. Pronounced Or-ahnj-ello.)
The apocryphal twins! Too frightening!
Thanks Pie Near!
Is MM wearing an earring?????
MM has long sported an earring. He is portrayed by “magic earring Ken” who is notorious for being both the best selling Ken doll of all time and for being recalled by Mattel due to the fact that many consumers thought he “looked gay”. As a result he is a huge hit among gay men and collectors. And yes – that’s right. Since I began writing Pie Near I now have loads of Barbie trivia stuck in my head.
“Violent back fat” is the funniest thing I’ve heard all week. Loved your post, as always!
Jenn, unbelievably that is the way that Ree described her own back fat in the original post! It’s fun to read her post and then read Pie Neer, you’ll realize that Rachelle doesn’t have to make up very much to mock it. Like all brilliant satirists, she just takes what Ree does and shines a light (and many well-heeled barbies) on how silly PW is.
Thank you, thank you, thank YOU! I was laughing so hard, I could hardly stand it. Brilliant incorporation of several loads of crap she has been peddling lately.
We asked and you delivered. You are wonderful and I love you. (Totally in a non-creepy way, of course.)
You know I love it when you smash the bit*h’s face in her own crap.
Oh, PieNear, I’m so glad you’re back! You made a very crappy day suddenly very bright. You rock!!!
Laughing too hard right now. My God, getting her leg stuck and then her head. I thought I would die. The giggles are like little earthquakes in my back fat!
Why does the gas station attendant look like the guy from Nickelback?
Oh but no, Jesus from Nickelback cut his hair and now he is just Chad.
so creepy!
Omg, you are amazing and brilliant and hilarious!!! Again, one of the best, because they are all The Best!!!!You hit it out of the park every. single.time.
I really missed you! Thanks for making me laugh.
best. one. yet. i totally lost it when she got stuck in the donut case. help me rhonda! hahahhahaha
classic classic classic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sooooo glad you are back, and in fine form!
xxo
MOV
Laddy telling Tia that her eyes were LAHK fudge nut brownies just slayed me. Loved this!!
Bravo! Sorry about the scar on the budding relationship, hope they didn’t even notice….. But we thank you, it was truly brilliant.
A new post by Pie Near! Yay! My life is once again complete *sigh of contentment*
PS and a wickedly funny post at that. Well done, Pie Near. Well done.
My neighbor’s name is Rhonda and EVERY TIME I read one of these with the help me Rhonda’s I just have to say it to her. I will have to let her know about this posting. Thanks Pie Near for making me LOL! My fave lines: “Looks like she finally got her donut.” “Yup, I never had any doubt.” HA!