Cheeseburger Salad!
.
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Attention World!
Hello?
Anyone out there?
I said ATTENTION WORLD!!!!
Tap, tap, tap.
This thing on?
Testing, testing
One, two
One, two, three
Did you miss me?
Aw shucks!
I knew you would!
I have been super busy guys.
SUPER BUSY SAVING THE WORLD!
That’s right ya’ll!
Mama has figured out how to save the WORLD!
And it starts with a cheeseburger.
Like this here cheeseburger inside of this bag!
I am going to take this here cheeseburger and transform it!
Transform it into something delicious and delectable and super good for you!
And then I am going to save the WORLD with my new cheeseburger!
And it’s all because I love you so much and I want to help!
Now if you will just excuse me for a minute.
Mama needs to take the vapors.
Oh my Gawd this smells good!
Help me Rhonda!
No really!
Help. Me. Rhonda.
I never want to pull my face out of this BAG!
It smells like HEAVEN ON A HOT DOG BUN IN HERE!
Oh Lordy!
Nothing in the universe makes me pant like a patty melt!
The smell of a cheeseburger completes me!
I think I am going to invent a new perfume!
Parfum de burger
It will sell like hotcakes!
And then I will invent Parfum de hotcakes and it will sell like hotcakes too!
But before I do that, I need to save the world with my new hamburger recipe!
Are you ready?
Are you?
Well then you better hang on Betty Lou!
Cause it’s gonna be a wild ride!
First you are going to need to go get a cheeseburger.
Just a regular old cheeseburger.
Except that this is a bacon cheeseburger.
Don’t be like me.
Now take a chunk of butter and slide it into a sauce pan.
You probably didn’t see that coming did you?
Sometimes I like to do leg lifts while I am frying butter.
That’s how I make it healthy!
And lift and lift
And higher and higher
And two and three
And four and five
And sixteen and seventeen and eighteen
And Fifty!
Now separate the burger from the buns.
Did somebody say baconator!?!
HOLY LORD JESUS PLEASE HOLD ME BACK AN DON’T LET ME HUMP THAT GORGEOUS PILE OF PIG RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY BLOG POST!!!
Trust me girlies! You are going to have to summon all your will power to not dive lady parts first into that hot pile of fat back. But if you perservere I promise your reward will be divine!
Now take a knife to scrape off all that burgery goodness
And then hack your buns into bite sized pieces.
They don’t have to be perfect guys!
Just chop them up any old way and call it rustic!
Now slide the bread into the pan of heated butter.
And Presto!
In just a few minutes you will have the most yummy croutons on earth!
Next up
Scrape the cheese off of the hamburger patty.
Again – it doesn’t have to be perfect.
Less perfect equals more rustic.
And more rustic equals more uh…
Equals more…
Um…
More time to…
Love…
The people?
Just look at this super cute rustic vintagey hamburger patty!
Doesn’t it just make you love The People?
Chop up the super cute rustic hamburger patty.
Squirt in some mustard…
And some ketchup…
And mix it all together in a coarse meal of pure delish!
This is all that remains of our cheeseburger! The salad! The heart and soul of my recipe! Take this and put it on a plate.
Top the salad with the hamburger mixture!
Add the cheese you scraped off earlier!
Waste not, want not!
And then the bacon.
The croutons!
And top off with your favorite salad dressing.
I didn’t have any salad dressing, so I am just using mayo.
Again – don’t be like me.
Yum yum YUM!
Who could possibly resist this pile of pure decadence?
It just makes me realize how some of the best things in life are really so simple.
I took something as humble as a cheeseburger and changed it into something that literally defies description!
And I guess that is why I have the TV show
And you DON’T!
Viva La Cheeseburger Salad!
You are brilliant. Complete and totally brilliant. Well done.
Pie Near, you evil b*tch. I have missed you so much. Please don’t stay away from your loyal fans for so long EVER AGAIN. I am going to find a Sonic – even if i have to drive 5 states away – so that I can copy your brilliant “recipe” – you are so amazing and not gross at all. MY HEROINE!
Do you have a boyfriend at the Sonic?
I uh… I… Oh shit! His name is Chad, he’s nineteen and he has dreams of being a race car driver! He always brings me extra tater tots. I love him SOOOO much!
Welcome back and Happy New Year Pie Near! Can’t wait to try this wonderful recipe. If my local Sonic is out of burgers, could I substitute a foot long?
Seriously? That slut took a fucking minging looking burger and mushed it up, fried it in butter and then chucked more crap on top? Her children should be taken into care for being expected to eat that! Ewww.
Happy New Year PN!!
Oh. Thank. Gawd.
Welcome back!
haha, welcome back.
Funnier than ever too; I especially like – doing leg lifts while frying butter makes it healthier.
Or ‘bet you didn’t see that coming’.
Off to PW site to view the silly post. I will not comment though and will limit my clicks to no more than 3…I wonder how much she will earn for those 3 clicks..hmmm.
I’ll make it 2.
Oh Pie Near. You are such an inspiration. Your leg lifts got me thinking. I will stand on my head whilst eating your butter laden creations and I won’t gain an ounce.
Confession: I made the Cheeseburger Salad. Well, I skipped the STICK OF BUTTER HAVING CROUTONS part. No croutons at all. Anyway, I have to admit, it wasn’t half bad. Pretty good, actually.
This post, however, was way better than pretty good.
SOOoo glad YOU are back. YOU, YOU, YOU!!! I am so tired of checking to see if there is a new post–sorry, that was about ME. But now it’s back to being about Fabulous YOU and your wonderful recipes. More, More, More please!
Next up? Donuts and glass shards from the gas stations?
I hope sconic bans her from their drive through.
What an idiot she is.
Welcome back we missed you.
Oh my f*cking god. She used an ENTIRE stick of butter on those buns. At least YOU, Pie Near, used a *chunk* of butter. Sheesh.
OMGawd, I love you.
I too want a donut and glass gas station story.
donuts and glass! donuts and glass!
China check, please. I MUST have that plate with the butterfly so I can pretend my life is as bountiful as yours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I came across your website last Friday. Thanks for making me laugh all weekend long!! You are truly artistic.
Kudos on the amazing photographs! It’s almost like I could smell her heinous salad!
This is crimes against delicious burgers. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal in seven states.
I’m so glad you are back!! You and Marlboro Woman have CURED me of this scourge that thinks herself a cook. Thank you thank you thank you!
Glad you’re back and all, but I have to, NEED to tell you…I’m not impressed here. Where’s the China Check? Ugh. For REEeeel?
However, you can make it up to me by offering me a sweaty blouse.
Thanks so much.
God Bless.
d.
I am sorry to tell you that I was diagnosed with a hideous illness and that is why I have not commented sooner on your newest post. My illness is well-known in the medical community and is called Radical Pie-Near-Us Withdrawal.
My symptoms were: flat tummy, toned legs, healthy arteries, clear skin. I was a mess!
Thank God (and Rhonda) that you posted when you did, just in the nick (and Todd and Bryce) of time. I rushed right out to McDonald’s (sooooo sorry, we have no Sonic near here) and got their Cholesterburger special so I could make your recipe. Well, I ate the whole thing before I had a chance to chop up the bun and add all that butter and deep-fry it in ketchup.
Obviously I had to go back out, but now the drive-thru had such a long line that I ended up going to Burger King instead (hope that is okay). The recipe worked pretty well, but I did have some Brie left over from a little cocktail party the other night, so I subbed that in (I know, I know, I can be way too liberal with the substitutions).
The good news: my doctors say I am cured of my Pie-Near-Us Withdrawal!!!! YAY!!!
Thank you thank you, I cannot thank you enough. You complete my cellulite.
best,
MOV
I am so glad you’re back, Pie Near. I was beginning to fear the worst.
Your post intrigued me to the point that I went to the original abomination for the first time in months. She actually uses the phrase “squirted in my mouth a little.”
I may have to drive south until I find a Sonic. In my city, “The Sonic” is a radio station.
Omg! Thank God you are back!! OMG, rip roaring hilarious. Love ya more than my food poisoning!
By the way, what’s up with MOV commenting on PW perfect french fries all friendly and that she is always an inspiration?????
don’t get me wrong. i love MOV almost as much as your posts, but was slightly confused, to say the least!