Dooce Gets Ignored in the Airport Bathroom
.
Jesus H. Mother Fucking CHRIST!
What does a girl have to do to get a little respect around here?
I broke my fucking LEG people!
Okay!
OKAY!!!
It’s BROKEN!
BROKEN!!!!
I may never walk again!
I may never get to report on my spin classes and my personal trainer and my marathon work-outs on my blog for the REST of my LIFE!
Imagine the HOLE!!!
So there I was.
Hobbling like a wounded veteran through the NYC airport!
People were streaming past me left and right and not EVEN NOTICING MY PAIN!!!!
I felt like I was back in highschool!
When I used to play volleyball!
And I got hurt!
I got hurt real, real, real bad.
And of course no one would even lift a finger to make my life even the teensiest bit better!
Why!
WHY!
So I was like
GODDAMMIT!
Get me the FUCKING INTERNET!!!
But then I remembered that I had to pee!
Screaming in pain the entire way, I dragged my broken body to the airport bathroom.
The tears were literally pouring down my face.
I was sweating from the exertion of hauling my crushed ankle all the way to the potty by myself!
It was so hard!
SO HARD!
And when I finished my business and I come out of the stall and
THERE WAS A LINE AT THE SINK!
WHAT
THE
FUCK?!?!?
So I am waiting and waiting and waiting in line. Waiting, waiting, waiting! Hello! Does anyone realize exactly WHO THE FUCK I AM! ONLY ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL WOMEN IN AMERICA!!! WHY ISN’T SOMEONE LETTING ME CUT IN FRONT OF THEM SO I CAN WASH MY HANDS AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS BATHROOM!
And then it was CLEARLY MY TURN!
MY TURN!
JESUS CHRIST!!!
IT WAS MY FUCKING TURN!
Plus I am clearly a crippled woman with one hell of an expensive handbag so WHO IN THE HELL IS THIS DOUCHEBAG THAT JUST JUMPED IN FRONT OF ME AND TOOK MY PLACE LIKE I DON’T EVEN EXIST?!?!?
HELLO!
HELLO YOU HORRIBLE HAG!
DID YOU NOT SEE THE WOUNDED WARRIOR WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE NEXT IN LINE!?!?!
I HATE PEOPLE!!!!
ALL PEOPLE!
ALL OF THEM!!!
YOU AND YOU AND YOU AND YOU IN THE BACK… YES! YOU TOO!!!
What did I ever do to deserve this kind of shitty treatment?
Only train for months to run a marathon to save women’s lives!
That’s what!
You’d think someone would give a shit!
And that’s when I just LOST IT!
I totally LOST MY HEAD!
It went rolling across the floor and I am like
IS ANYONE GOING TO HELP ME FIND MY MOTHER FUCKING HEAD???
But of course no one did because everyone in the entire world is an asshole except for me and Christy Turlington!
Hi Christy! Gawd I wish I was still with you and your super model friends and not stuck in this horrible airport bathroom with a bashed leg and a missing head!
My
Life
Sucks
So
Bad!
I had to feel around the bathroom floor with my jacked up leg and my cracked off head until I located my skull.
And then I had to STAND IN LINE AGAIN TO WASH OFF MY HEAD!
And I was like
GET OUT OF MY WAY BITCHES!
I AM GOING TO WASH OFF THIS HEAD AND I AM SO NOT WAITING IN LINE TO DO IT!!!
And I rinsed off my head and carried it out of the restroom and the entire time I am just FUMING OVER HOW HORRIBLE PEOPLE ARE!
GAWD!
SO FUCKING AWFUL!!!!
DAMN MOTHERFUCKERS!
EVERYONE PRETENDING LIKE THEY DON’T KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM!
ONLY THE WORLD’S MOST FAMOUS MOMMY BLOGGER!
I’LL SHOW THEM!
I’LL GO HOME AND TAKE NINETEEN THOUSAND PHOTOS OF MY DOG BALANCING SOMETHING ON HIS NOSE AND POST IT ON MY FUCKING BLOG!
STUPID ASSHOLES!
And then I just plunked myself down on the floor and tried to screw my head back on myself.
It wasn’t easy!
Because nothing I do EVER IS!
Why can’t things ever be easy?
Just once!
Just one fucking time!
I would like for things to be easy just once!
I swear to God!
It’s like the entire universe is out to get me!
When suddenly there he was!
A man with extremely thick forearms, dressed in a caveman suit, but smelling like the high prairie, proffered me some small change.
“Here ya go little missy!” he said in a distinct western drawl, “I couldn’t help but notice that ya seemed ta be havin’ a hard time. Now go buy yerself somethin’ nice on me and I hope things git better fer ya real soon.”
And then he loped off like a man who had spent most of his life riding the range.
(I couldn’t help but be temporarily spellbound by his magnificent ass.)
And just like that!
My day turned around!
See ya’ll back in Utah with a detailed report on my injuries!
Uh…I feel I’ve probably missed something important.
But more importantly….FIRST!!!
Hmm, if you can’t see the difference between a self centered cattle rancher’s wife who exploits everything and everyone around her for the sake of a dollar and a woman who is talented enough to have published multiple books, who has led the way for other women bloggers, who actually donates her time and money to worthwhile charities, who is in the position she is in because of hard work (and yes, a little luck), then I don’t know what to tell you. You missed the mark on this one, Rechelle. I’ll be moving along now, but thanks for the laughs.
(BTW, don’t care if I’m FIRST. I’m not 12.)
You are welcome honey. And I will come visit you in Junior High someday – where you clearly still reside.
Desdemonna, the things you’ve written about Dooce can technically also apply to PW! She’s also published multiple books and surely, led the way to other bloggers.
Just consider this like SNL for bloggers! It’s not a big deal.
well said – thank you. Rechelle obviously has some identity issues with this constant need she has to knock down other women. I’m not a fan of Dooce or Pioneerwoman but if they can make a buck writing a blog more power to them!
Love it! I actually read Dooce because I like the animal pics, and am pleased to see that Pie Near is sharing the stage with her here… I hate it too when no one seems to notice my leg is in a cast and I need access to sinks. Bless you for sharing the pain.
Good Gods what the hell? I can’t stand that woman, I don’t read her. Did she really flip like that? Wouldn’t surprise me. Nice she is getting her some Pie Near treatment. I will be so happy when people start to realize bloggers are just bloggers and should not be controlling the world.
But not YOU. YOU are a perfect world controller.
Is it weird that the comments on that post are now closed?
The comments aren’t closed nor have they ever been. I do have the comments set so that I have to approve comments that the server reads as “new”. So there may be a lag between the time you leave a comment and the time I approve it.
Oh, no, sorry! I mean, the comments on Dooce’s post about the crutches are now closed. I don’t see any other post on her front page with closed comments. I am not a devoted Dooce follower, however, so I’m not sure how normal this may or may not be.
Oooooh! Well then – nevermind! Yeah – I think she closes most of her posts off these days. She’s been put through the wringer on more than one occasion – the poor thing!
I noticed the same thing. Dooce posts about this on Nov. 7 and a day later she closes the comments. WTF? Another self-absorbed asshole with a laptop.
This made my day, Pie Near. I don’t read Dooce, so I had to go take a look. LOL! I’m the mom of a 9 yo with a broken femur. We’ve had to negotiate a full leg cast, wheelchair, crutches, and now a leg brace. Another month and we’ll be back to normal. I haven’t had to deal with any of Dooce’s problems at the airport. However, we’ve had to overcome the horrors or shopping, library, quail hunting, Halloween (trick or treating), downpours at swim meets, and even a trip to the skating rink. Guess what? People are REALLY nice and helpful. People want to talk. People care. Utah must be full of meanies or maybe Dooce just wears her angry face all the time. I’m still laughing. I’ll give you a report Thursday to let you know how the mean people of the world treat my son’s handicap at Disneyland. Will they knock him down as he stands in line at Space Mountain? Will they punch him in the gut and steal his cotton candy? LOL! Glad I’m not a famous mommy blogger
Poor Dooce.
I could count on one hand how many times I’ve read Dooce. I’d love to see her and Ree Drummond mud wrestle each other.
Well in that case. You know I can’t ever say no to you MW!
A Dunce (see what I did there?) and Pie Near mud wrastling match would be basically awesome.
OH me too …. ( I really don’t know anything about Dooce) but it would be just like LInda Evans and old whatsser name back on that show, Dynasty, years ago … remember ?
Just slappin and sloggin at each other in the lily pond in front of the mansion … no, they’d be in the big slough out from Ree’s house on the ranch
whooeeeeee
I love it! I stopped reading Dooce when she whored for the new roof.
Same. She is insufferable now.
Great entry!
Bawhaaaa, you nailed it.
To the commentator who made Heather to be a saint, you need to ask yourself this really important question…. “What you talking about Willis!”
Heather is only doing this BECAUSE of Christy and what Christy’s celebrity can do for her, nothing more, nothing less. Heather never does anything unless there’s something in it for her, never. Heather used to be all about PPD and told people she was going to start a non profit too, but come on lets me honest, there’s not a celeb inviting her to a foreign country or their New York Apartment, so screw it not going to happen.
Pie Near, I was always a little disappointed in you for only targeting PW. You have such talent and I thought it was being wasted by only writing about one annoying woman blogger, when really, there are so many out there to cover. I really detest dooce, but like PW’s site, I look at it quite often. I am sick and need help. I really don’t understand my need to read people who make me roll my eyes so far back into my head that they get stuck. This one here made me laugh hard. I read her post yesterday and was so annoyed that today, out of the blue, the damn post popped into my head while I was on a leisurely walk with my dog. I thought, reallly, did I read that or just dream that she wrote that god awful post about how awful humanity is. Keep it up! You are one funny lady. ps… I don’t get dooce. One day she is posting about poor women and the next she is posting photos of her huge, excessively decorated house. Gross.
Word. To all of this.
I have never commented, but this one, So much word to this.
I heart you Pie Near.
Another winner! But could you carve a little fat off those cheek bones? It’s the skinny little waif look that sucks all her followers in, Otherwise spot on! PW is not going to like sharing this limelight.
Someone ignored you when you were wounded and in need. Despite your descriptions, that all you have in common with an actual veteran.
(How self-serving can you be?)
Holy crap….I went over and read her post. Never saw her site before, though I’ve heard of her. What a major CRY BABY. WTF?! Really?
See, I’ve never read Dooce. So I figured I had missed something, hence my first comment.
But screw actually educating myself before responding in a childish and inappropriate manner. I had to be first! (Because I’m 12, apparently. Thanks desdemona.) But now I’ve hunted down this Dooce person and read the appropriate post.
What a whiner. I broke my toe when I was 12 or so (where my emotional age was apparently stunted. thanks desdemona.). I only whine about every 2 or 3 days now. I’m almost over it. I’m in my 40s.
Nailed this one dead center. Awesome satire of Dooce, especially her latest about her poor foot and no one giving way for a lady on crutches. My favorite part was when she literally lost her head.
Spot on, Rechelle. Fantastic-ness all around, and bravo for proving you can skewer more than one self-absorbed mommy blogger!
OMG … I just laughed so much I think I woke DH up
I’m here to tell ya I survived a dislocated kneecap (old basketball injury) pulled muscles and a hamstring (old drill team injury) and two sprained ankles (1. playing flag football in a field with cute college guys and 2. years later, chasing after my 3 yr old in a state park)
I’ve been on crutches more than most, never used a wheelchair but once and managed to get to classes and a part time job and later, take care of 2 little kids while on crutches …
You didn’t hear ME whining ….. GEEZUS what a wimp woman Dooce is !!
This is PRICELESS!
WTF?? I was only vaguely familiar with Dooce, but of course had to pop over to see what the satire was based on.
I really can’t believe the self-absorbtion I see with many of the “big bloggers”. Let’s get real for once and remind them of what they really do for a living. NOTHING!
toooo funny PNW. per usual. kept lol here at work. again.
Dooce is pissed about this and tweeting about it on twitter. Heather why is it ok for you to be a bitch about everyone, disparage, libel them, even boldface lie– but god forbid if anyone does anything to you. Double standards. It’s only bullying if it’s happening to you, if you’re doing it–it’s being strong willed.
Pie Neer how perfectly self absorbed and self confident you are to share your blog with that foul mouthed trash talking Queen Blogger Dooce. How can you be so unthreatened as to share your blog with her?
You. Amaze. Me! I want to be just like you!
Queen Dooce, suck it up sunshine you should think out of the box, and plant one of your crutches up the posterior of the next heartless human that doesn’t bow and grovel in you presence. Geez what a Dummy spit (picture a baby spitting out a pacifier to cry)
Brilliant work Rachelle!
Leaves to practice my lactating
OMG! You have Dooce also? You rock!
This is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Bless you.
I had absolutely no idea who Dooce was, so I googled her. Oh dear. Went to the post about her on her crutches and all I can say is I’d have tripped her ass.
Also, is it just me, or does anyone else think that Dooce looks like a (not so) sweet transvestite?
Nice work, Pie Near!
Type Y-E-S! Was just thinking that. My other thought: That’s a big house. That’s a lot of shingles on a really big house. God that house is BIG. (Disclosure, I live in NYC in a smallish apartment and I’m always eyeballing other people’s space. Still – Isn’t that a REALLY big house?)
Sick to death of bloggers cozying up to us from their heavily monetized (and apparently heavily shingled) blogs and saying, We’re just like you! We have stressful home repairs! We have dog puke! I’ve heard Heather makes six figures from that blog annually – so what’s with the misery over reshingling a new house? And why didn’t she just move to a hotel for a couple of days to avoid living w/o A/C? I can tell you my husband and I would have done that in a shot – with two kids – and NYC hotel bills (disclosure: under $100 in Queens).
Thanks for this one.
Dear Douche,
I am not quite sure how you got here, but it is time for you to go away. I personally know a certain flight attendant who is VERY helpful with passengers with disabilities, and she would be certain to take the good care of you that you deserve on your flight out of JFK.
For now, know that you don’t hold a candle to our beloved Pie Near, not even close. Run along now. Or hobble. Whichever.
best,
MOV
First of all, I think this site was totally hacked – no WAY did Pie Near share a tab with her bloggie rival!
Second, I don’t follow Dooce, but when I did look her up to follow this post, I must say she had me at the snuggie. Wearing a bright blue snuggie to the NYC marathon is just BOLD. Her blog seems sort of scrunched up, though, I guess because of the ads? Not very reader-friendly.
Loved the illustrations – now what just happened in the last frame? Does Tia have competition?
I. LOVE. this. post! It’s about time pienear expanded to other bloggers.
Oh no PieNear! Did you delete my comments!?
OMG, lol. I haven’t read Dooce in years, I almost forgot what an asshole she is!
Okay, I must live in a hole or something. I didn’t know who Dooce was. Then again, I didn’t know who Pioneer Woman was either. Either way I don’t think it matters, this barbie doll theater is hysterical! One question, if you had to make yourself a barbie, so you could be in a production and maybe kickin some ass, which one would you choose?
Okay, I actually had to Google this Dooce chick as I’ve never even heard of her before. WTF? Her blog reads like a parody already! Your story above no longer seems as over-the-top as I originally thought! She’s even more of a train-wreck than PW!
Oh my gosh, Heather.(Your name is Heather, isn’t it, I mean dooce is your blog’s name, right?? Cause I wouldn’t have wanted to go to junior high school with a name that’s close to the word douche. Just a personal opinion.) Anyway on to more important things… I looked at the other photos on your blog and found one where you are standing next to a real super model!! Wow, I can’t believe you actually know someone who is this famous. I’ve known about Christy for years and years. I also can’t believe that you are not related to her because if someone asked me to pick which one of the two of you is the most beautiful or even the cutest, I just wouldn’t be able to do it. You are so lucky, you are as beautiful as a supermodel AND you run with one too.
So, so awesome. Next up: Gwyneth Paltrow and GOOP? Though possibly a bit redundant, since Dooce now is like GOOP Lite.
A friend sent me here and forgive me for going all shouty capitals on you, but
THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I’VE SEEN IN SO LONG. GOOD LORD, WHY ARE YOU SO PERFECT?
Wait. Not perfect. That would be the Pioneer Woman & her cinnamon rolls.
But you’re pretty damn close. Thanks for giving me an early Christmas present. No, seriously. THANK YOU. And now I’ll tweet and Tumblr the shit out of this awesomeness because…obviously.
p.s. The distaste I have for Dooce probably exceeds the bad taste left in my mouth from that Pioneer Woman person. This shit is gold. GOLD, I tell you.
Lula, where’ve you been all our lives? Welcome to Pie Near village, a place where you routinely spit your coffee out at your computer screen after darn-near choking on it from laughing. Might want to invest in some paper towels.
best,
MOV
Where’s beloved Pie? Such a cold, dark and lonely Thanksgiving it will be. Please bring her back, I’m off the butter, and having the withdrawal shakies….. May have to mainline the gravy boat.
Oh please oh please KEEP going here!
This made my day, Pie Near. I don’t read Dooce, so I had to go take a look. LOL! I’m the mom of a 9 yo with a broken femur. We’ve had to negotiate a full leg cast, wheelchair, crutches, and now a leg brace. Another month and we’ll be back to normal. I haven’t had to deal with any of Dooce’s problems at the airport. However, we’ve had to overcome the horrors or shopping, library, quail hunting, Halloween (trick or treating), downpours at swim meets, and even a trip to the skating rink. Guess what? People are REALLY nice and helpful. People want to talk. People care. Utah must be full of meanies or maybe Dooce just wears her angry face all the time. I’m still laughing. I’ll give you a report Thursday to let you know how the mean people of the world treat my son’s handicap at Disneyland. Will they knock him down as he stands in line at Space Mountain? Will they punch him in the gut and steal his cotton candy? LOL! Glad I’m not a famous mommy blogger Poor Dooce.
+1
Happy Thanksgiving Pie. Miss you!!
You hit the nail on the head on this one. I haven’t read Dooce for a long, long time- and now I feel compelled to go back and just see how completely magnificent you truly are, Rechelle.
Pie! Pie!!! Wherefore art thou, Pie?!
I miss you, Pie Near..and I sincerely hope those hungry ladies at the Cowgirl Luncheon didn’t finally finish you off.
Hello? (ohohoh.) Wow. *crickets chirping* This can’t be good,
OMG. This is so freakin’ hysterical. I love this. So much. Thank you!