Black Pumps To Rotting Stumps Chapter IV – Marlboro Man’s Musical Muscles

My first date with Marlboro Man had been a smashing success.

And by smashing, I mean that in order to distract him for the lust magnet hitherto known as Tia the Tartlett, I had  hurled my pale, red-headed Bartlesville ballerina body into the wooden plank flooring of the Verandah Inn whereupon my skirt did fly up.  And since I had left my rust colored Sassoon panties in a coffin at the local mortuary, I revealed to my silver stallion, more than he paid for. Fortunately for the both of us, this little flash of flesh worked to my advantage and broke the chain of love that had enslaved my beloved MM for years.

For Tia the Tartlett may be a Native beauty complete with dark flashing eyes, full scarlet lips, rambunctious bosoms, a Beyonce booty, long lean delicately muscled legs, high cheekbones and hair that shimmers with starlight in the dusky dawn of my most feral fantasies, but she could not complete with this classic Bartlesville beauty!

So help me God!

I would win Marlboro Man’s love if it was the last thing I did! So He was mine! MINE! I would make him love me! I would force him to marry me and then I would gleefully bear his children one after another after another until I had bred a male heir and a spare and could claim my rightful place among Oklahoma’s most regal ranch wives. It made so much sense! And was so much simpler than figuring out how to fake the LSAT!

My heart raced at the thought of bearing his children. They would all have his perfectly formed head, and my minx like grace, charm and sense of humor. Or maybe they would have my head and his rollicking cowboy walk. No, better off to let them have his head. After all, pushing out a baby that had a forehead the size of mine made my hiney tingle super hard and not in a good way!  It made me think back to the story of my own birth which my mother had told me over and over and over and over and over and over again!

I swear to the heavens Ree, your delivery almost killed me! In order to get your massive forehead past mama’s little breeding box, my tender mercies had to be cleaved nearly in half! It was an experience I have never really recovered from! Every nurse in the building lined up to stare at you and your gigantic head! They all felt so sorry for me and my shredded lady parts! For the first time ever, those nurses saw me as a fellow human being and not just the moneyed wife of a prominent surgeon! They clucked their tongues in sympathy and handed me Dixie cup after Dixie cup filled with brightly colored pain pills which I gratefully swallowed with a swig of Jack Daniels that one particularly competent nurse smuggled in for me after dressing my raw and seeping hamburger like wounds. I didn’t give up the pills for years! In fact it wasn’t until another nurse handed me your baby sister that I finally snapped out of the bubble headed bender that surrounded your infancy and childhood. For Betsy had a normal sized head. I could look at her while perfectly sober without my entire lower body seizing up into a debilitating cramp of stabbing pain!

So yes, it would be better if our future progeny had Marlboro Man’s head instead of mine. Besides, I had heard rumors of how cowboys were a primitive life force in our fair state and if their wives bore children that did not have their husband’s heads, they were quickly and quietly divorced and left to fend for themselves in the small town job market among the slim pickins’ of video rental store clerk or manager at the local D.Q..  Having had only one job in my life, which had been totally boring, maniacally requiring my attendance every day five days a week from nine to five without any type of paid breaks for shopping or going to see movies in the middle of the day, I silently prayed for male children with MM’s head.

After gathering my bruised body in his arms and placing me ever so tenderly in his pick-up truck, Marlboro Man took me straight back to my house. My parents were both waiting for me on the door step having already heard via the Bartlesville gossip chain that their most beloved daughter had taken a fall. My doctor daddy rushed to my side of the pick-up truck and helped me out while Marlboro Man ambled up the sidewalk behind us offering to carry me up the stairs to my bedroom. My dad, being exhausted from a full day of work and a long evening of bickering with my mother happily acquiesced and I once again felt MM’s strong arms gathering me to him and carrying me into the bedroom of my youth.

“You are so strong!” I whispered breathlessly as he deposited me onto my bed, “And you smell good too…. like a real cowboy ” I said coquettishly as I limped off to the bathroom to change into something more comfortable.

“Yeah.. well.. that is just… I… uh… thank you.” he stammered.

“You’re welcome.” I said through the door as I changed, “I had such a nice time with you tonight.”

“Yeah… it was good… I am sorry about my brother… and Tia…I didn’t know they were going to be there… I didn’t even know they were dating” he said as I stepped out of the bathroom in my favorite pale yellow negligee.

I had hoped to distract him from his thoughts of Tia with my scanty jammies, but he didn’t even look up when I entered the room. He seemed to be deeply distressed at the thought of Tia and Pesky. His mouth was turned down and a look of supreme pain had crossed his chiseled brow.

Hoping to take his mind off of Tia, I limped towards my bed, dragging my right leg behind me while grimacing in agony and at the same time trying to appear supremely brave.  When that failed to break through his mournful state, I dropped to the floor and began pulling myself towards the bed with my hands, “Oooooh!  Aaahhh! Owie.  Ouch!  Owie!” I groaned inching myself along the floor of my bedroom until he finally glanced my way.

“Here let me help you.” he said.

“Oh.  It’s nothing!” I insisted as he scooped me up in his arms, “Just a little bruise… I’m fine really!”

Even though my see thru negligee was having little effect on him, I couldn’t help but think how a girl could get used to being carried around like this. In all my years of living with James, he had never once scooped me up in his arms and carried me anywhere!. Of course, he also never smelled of cow manure and vet supplies, but I sensed that MM was highly trainable.  It was just a matter of dangling the right carrot on the right stick…

“I enjoyed meeting your brother and Tia” I said and then wanting to know exactly how deeply his pain was rooted I continued, “Is Tia his wife?”

“Aaaarscgheeeeeiowaaaaaah!!!”

Marlboro Man threw himself against my four poster bed and let out a cry that seemed to come from the center of his shattered soul, “No! She is NOT HIS WIFE! Tia is our sister! OUR SISTER! She’s adopted, but neither one of us is supposed to get her! Mah daddy said that Tia is off limits to both of us! Besides! She has always favored me! If either one of us was to git her, it should be ME! Not Pesky! MEEEEEEE!”

His jaw began to clench and unclench violently, but now, joining his facial spasms in a chorus of physical anguish, his rock hard chest began to rhythmically contort as well. First one pec and then the other inflated and deflated in a primitive drum beat beneath his clinging cowboy vest. Boom, boom, boom, boom, the two halves of his chest swelled and released, swelled and released.  Fascinated by the grief that poured out of every atom of his body, I reached out to touch him.

Ping!

That’s the sound his iron flesh made when I touched it.

Ping! Ping! Ping!

Like a sword hitting a rock.

Ping!  Ping!  Ping!

Ping! Ping! PONG! Ping!

The sound changed slightly depending on where I tapped him.

Ping… Pong… Pung.. Pang… Ping! Ping! Ping!

Finding new notes on his shoulders, his forearms and his thighs, I managed to find the first few notes of Mary Had A Little Lamb!

It was beautiful!

This man was a walking symphony!

I ripped open his vest and began to further explore the notes of his flesh.

His abs, his rib cage, his back! Every speck of his body made a different sound!

He was an orchestra!

And I was destined to be his conductor!

And that’s when he grabbed my hands and laughed.

“Heh, Heh, Heh.” he said.

“Ho, ho ho” I replied.

“Heh, heh, heh” he continued, “I see you have discovered my beat box of love.”

“Ha ha ha” I replied, “Yes I have… and I want to play it all night long.”

He looked at me. For the first time since I had met him that night in a smoky bar, he really looked at me. There I was, brusied and battered and clad only in a sheer negligee left over from my four year love affair with James, but this darling cowboy, my future, my past, my gateway to a luxury life in the midst of my highschool homies was finally seeing me for the first time. He grasped my hands in his bear like paws and turned me to face him squarely. “Do you like to ride?” he asked.

“What?” I replied.

“Horses… do you like to ride horses?”

“Are you kidding me?” I said, “I love horses! Horses are my FAVORITE! I am a huge fan of riding horses! I ride them all the time! I ride a horse almost every day! Horse riding is my LIFE!”

“Heh, heh, heh” he chuckled robotically yet again, “Okay.  I will pick you up tomorrow and we will go for a little horsey ride.”

“Yes… tomorrow… that sounds like a dream come true… oh wait!” I yelped desperately needing to get out of this little horse riding fiasco, “I am a little injured from my fall and maybe I should wait a few days… or weeks… or even months before I get back on a horse.”

“Don’t worry little filly.” he assured me, “I got a gentle nag. She will be real careful with you.”

“Oh… okay. Well… I’ll see how I feel tomorrow.”

“Okay… you do that… good night.” and then he leaned across my crippled body, aiming his lips towards my cheek. Sensing a perfunctory, brotherly kiss coming my way, I determined to make things a little more interesting. Grabbing his head, I steered his lips towards mine, wrapped my legs around his trunk and held on with all my might. He reared back like a frightened animal the whites of his eyes displaying a naked fear at the force of my passion as he whinnied ferociously, but I clung to his fringed vest and screamed, “Yeeaw!  Giddyup Hossy!  Heigh Ho Silver and AWAY!!!”

His lips clanged into mine.

It was a kiss that I will never forget.  The way our teeth cracked into each other.  The taste of blood inside my mouth.  Little bits of bone and flesh all wrapped up with sweet saliva of my silver steed.  It was delicious.  Delectable!  I only wanted more!

I burrowed deeper and deeper into his stony flesh, banging the gong of his body, beating the drum of his tom toms until the man disappeared and all that was left was an animal responding purely out of instinct and lust. Gone were all the formalities of a first date.  Gone were two strangers who had barely spoken a word to each other the entire evening.  Gone were the outer wrappings that contained our pulsating organs.  Flesh to flesh we were just about to ascend the pinnacle of passion when my mom’s voice broke the spell….

“Ree? Ree? Are you in there Ree? Are you okay? Are you still hurting? On a scale of one to ten where is your pain level?”

“I’m fine mom, “I shouted through a mouthful of MM’s tasty flesh.  “I’m just going to sleep!  I’ll see you in the morning!”

“Can I get you anything?” she continued, “I think I may have a Percoset in my bathroom. Do you want one?”

“No mom… I am perfectly fine! I don’t need anything!  Just going to sleep now!  Talk to you in the morning!” I called out trying to mentally push her away from my door.

“Are you sure? I could heat you up a hot toddy or maybe bake you a pan of puddin’ dumps.”

“No mom… really. I am okay… I feel much better. I just need a little sleep.”

“What about some lasagna? You know how much Puggy Sue loved my lasagna. I really wish you hadn’t run over her Ree. She was the only bright spot in my life. You really need to pay more attention when you are backing out of the driveway. That is like the fifth dog you have killed since you got home from LA. Are you sure you don’t want some pain killers? I have a stash of Lortabs in the laundry room behind the starch. Do you want me to bring you some?”

“No mom! Really!  I’m fine.  I am just drifting off to sleep.  Go on to bed.  I will talk to you in the morning!”

“Okay… I could break open a few caplets of Demerol and sprinkle them into a Bloody Mary…?”.

“Mom! PLEASE! I am FINE! PERFECTLY FINE!  I AM SLEEPING MOM!  I CAN’T EVEN TALK TO YOU BECAUSE I AN UNCONSCIOUS!!!”

“Okay sweetheart. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Let me know if you want me to slip a few Vicodan under the door.  I never like to leave the house without them. Ree? Ree? Listen about your father and I… I don’t know if this is a good time to tell you, but things aren’t going very well. It’s been bad for a long time… I know you are my least sympathetic child so I don’t even know why I am telling you this, but I guess I just need a sounding board… someone to talk to and I…

“MOTHER! JESUS CHRIST! I CANT’ TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW!!! PLEASE JUST GO AWAY!!! PLEASE!!!”

I could hear her fingernails peeling down the length of my door and ending with a thump as her entire body sagged to the floor right outside my room.  She began to sob.  Her wailing quickly reached a fevered pitch.

Total.

Buzz

Kill..

Marlboro Man squirmed out of my gripping thighs and I watched him slide his luscious body back into his dungarees.

“I think ya best attend ta yer mama. She don’t sound so good.” he said as he placed his cowboy hat atop his head and headed towards the window. “I think I’ll jest crawl outta this here window so as not to disturb in her time of need.  It was real a interestin’ evenin’ Ree.  I’ll see you at the ranch tomorrow.  Wear something you can ride a horse in.”

And with that he slid his athletic body out of my window. I heard him land on the grass below with a soft thunk and a few moments later his truck started up and he drove away.

“Ree? Are you still awake?” It was my mom’s voice.

“Yes mom….”

“Oh… okay… well sorry about that little emotional break down of mine.  I don’t know what got into me.  Goodnight dear.”

“Goodnight mom.”

I knew I should go downstairs and maybe make some puddin dumps with her, but my mind was too full of the dizzying sight of that rigid cowboy in all his glory. Besides, I had to plan my riding outfit and teach myself how to ride a horse within the next twelve hours.

That shouldn’t be so hard should it?

To be continued…