Inside the Pie Near Woman

Killer Krispy Kremes!!!

Posted by Pie Near Woman

As a winner of multiple cooking awards, and parenting awards and the author of a best selling cookbook, and the mother to four spirited children who rise at the crack of dawn everyday to help their daddy shell lambs, I feel an almost crushing responsibility to be the best mother I can possibly be.

And that’s why I serve my family Krispy Kreme Donuts!

It’s what every child that has been laboring since the break of day in over a hundred degree heat should have for breakfast!

Amen.

Here’s how I make Krispy Kremes for my family…

Take a knife and slit open the package.

(Please be careful not to gut yourself!)

 

Place the Krispy Kremes on a cookie sheet.

But not this way silly!

 

Spread them out like this!

And bake them at 300 degrees for ten minutes.

But why Ree? You may be asking me right now.

Why do we have to bake the Krispy Kremes?  They are already baked.  Why should we bake them again?

And here is my answer…

Because…

It’s the right thing to do.

 

 

 

Here are the donuts at five minutes in a 300 degree oven.

 

 

And here they are fresh out of the oven in ten minutes!

Who wants to suck on these until the doctor cuts off all their toes from sugar diabetes?

Please form an orderly line and pray…

Pray that there will still be one left when you get here.

 

 

Now place them in a large metal bowl and carry them out to the troops!

They are gonna love you for this!!!

Look at my boy run!

Why is he running?

Can you guess?

He can’t wait to have a warm Krispy Kreme with his mama!

 

Just look at him go!

Son!

Son!

Mama is over here!

She’s behind you son!

You are going the wrong way!!

Come back!

I’ve got a warm Krispy Kreme for you!

 

Wait son!

Wait!

Mama has a yummily dummily just for you!

Come back to me!

Come back to your mama!

 

B-Man!

Come to your mama!

COME HERE!

RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!!

I have a warm Krispy Kreme for you!

Please!

PLEASE!

It is yummily and it is dummily!

I made it just fer yooooooooooo!!!!!

 

Aha!

I got him!

Mama got her boy and she will never let him go!

Never, ever, ever, ever, EVER!

 

Well!

I think I earned my parenting award today!

Over and Out,

Pie Near.

.

.

 

This recipe was also tested and inspired by Binko.

And here’s the Nitwit original

Comments (talk about me please)

  • Just sayin

    Whoa, am I first AGAIN?? The universe is smilin’ on me! Just reading Pie Near’s blog is elevating my life and soul and spirit, not to mention my cookin’ skills! And my writin’ skills! Look! I’m using exclamation points! I’m droppin’ g’s!

    My goal for this week is to call something yummily and dummily. Maybe some community cookbook recipe? My husband’s ass?

    Seriously, though, Rechelle. Your work is … well, it’s incredible.

  • Oh Pie Near. Every son needs a loving Mom like you! Chase then dunk! Good work!

  • Ree Per

    Question, oh great wondrous Chef-ess! If you live in BFE, where do you get your Krispy Kreme donuts? And another substitution question, as a New Englander (originally), I prefer Dunkin Donuts. Is that an acceptable substitution or would the New England liberal atheist influenced donuts upset your CHREEShton (Sp?) readers?

    • Hyacinth's and Madea's friend

      BFE…the perfect Brokeback Mountain, Brokebutt-but-bankrupsty-never-stopped-Drummand-cattle-barons Prairie reference evah!

  • Loopy

    Mmmm, mmmmmm those look DELICIOUS!!

  • HollyJ

    That’s a lovely pink chemise you’re wearing, Mrs. Cleaver.

    Oops – I meant Pie Near.

  • Stella

    Your poor kid. You have him in a headlock/thigh grip. You’re going to warp that kid for life.

    Uh Sorry………he’s your kid, I guess he already is warped!!! Look at his big head.

    ..Stella..

  • Jodi911

    Your doll cracks me up. Sometimes she looks absolutely demented! Also, did we ever find out why she puts the donuts in a hot oven? Seems unnecessary, by the time you dirty up a baking sheet, then dirty up a bowl, then drive them to your gaggle of kids…they’re cold, again.

  • Susan

    Another hilarious creation. Funniest line of the day: “be careful not to gut yourself” …heh….

  • Oh no she didn’t burn up Krispy Kremes in the oven. Blasphemy! Heretic!

    In that last frame, they look kinda like onion rings.

  • Kait

    Were you brave like Binko and eat one of the horrific things?

    • Pie Near Woman

      I ate about half of one. The baking had caused the glaze to carmelize, so the first second or two of taste was good, but then I realized that my entire mouth was coated in a crisco like substance and that was gross, combined with the leaden texture of what basically amounted to a ‘re-fried donut’. It was really super sweet. I could literally feel my blood stream running for cover. My boys wanted to eat the rest of the donuts, but when they saw them, they changed their minds.

  • CupCake

    OMG!! You are hilarious! I LOVE LOVE LOVE your site!
    ~ Turkey Girl

  • poppy

    I recently saw an old episode of The F Word (Gordon Ramsay) where they showed French geese being force-fed to fatten up their livers for primo foie-gras. Not pretty. Imagine your family’s innards, Pie Near. Like plastic!!!

    • eclecticdeb

      I love FOIE and I don’t think anybody should dictate what I’m allowed to eat. Just sayin….

      • poppy

        Ha!ha! I brought that up because of the pic of Pie Near stuffing Krispy Kremes down the throat of Thing #1. My motto is Live and Let Live! I have very few soapboxes! Eat away. I will not judge you :)

  • Sara

    I just added a link to you on my Pinterest!! :) Woot!! I think I was the first one ever to do that!!! :)

    There is a whole bunch of PW recipes going around on that site so I added a link to here. :)

    • Sara

      Wow I added a lot of smiley faces :(

      • Pie Near Woman

        I resemble that remark! :) :) :)

  • You forgot your oven mitts when carrying your bowl to your little cowboys. I hope you didn’t burn your little plastic fingers. How ever would you click your little shutter button or caress that jean clad, chap covered butt of MM’s?

  • Precious Wonderful Pie Near,

    I just want to let you know that you, like your Divine Smiling Sister in Heaven (Princess Diana), forgot to wear a slip. Remember that photo of poor Di (one of her first paprazzi/ stalkarazzi photos) as a hapless helpless Kindergarten teacher accosted by the neon sunlight from behind? Yep, we could see everything Di had (and a little bit more). Same with you Pie Near.

    I will send you a slip. Silk, duh.

    Best,
    MOV
    (are you still a size 2? or would size 0 be better?)

    • Pie Near Woman

      Of course I totally reminded myself of Diana when the Oklahoma sunshine revealed my tender mercies. She and I were both the Queen of People’s Hearts. Except, now it’s just me.

      • Kay in KCMO

        Jesus H. Christ, I’m laughing so hard at this…

        • HollyJay

          Me too!

          “my tender mercies”…OMG

        • MyReehurts

          Geez, I’m snorting! Too freaking funny!!!

  • Almost forgot, THANK YOU for adding the “Nitwit Original” link to the specific Pioneer Whore’s blog post that inspired (offended?) you. Now I can more clearly see your brilliance. Also, I am grateful you did that because, well, I am

    LAZY

    and I don’t feel like clickin’ all day to find something if someone as nice and perfect as you can just hand it over on a silver platter (or in this case, a stainless steel mixing bowl).

    best,
    MOV

  • Nutmeg

    “Why heat the doughnuts? Why, Pie Near?”
    “It’s the right thing to do”

    hahahahaha LMAO on this one!!! You know her so well!

  • Paula

    Very funny! And maybe I didn’t notice it before, but if posting the link to the “inspirational” post at PW is a new development, it is a good one. There are a lot of new sheeple and flying monkeys on the loose who need help understanding things.

  • S.

    You. Forgot. To. Warm. Up. The. Bowl.

    I mean, honestly. You’re slacking, Pie Near!

  • Gross. Gross. Gross. Why???

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