The Marlboro Man Sandwich – A Three Way!
As I have explained many times before, life on a fourth generation Oklahoma cattle ranch is a never ending succession of hilarious foibles. Take for instance me! Yes! Please take me! Take me far, far, far away from this stinking porta potty of a manure infested armpit that is my life on this God forsaken hell hole. Oh my God! Did I just type that out loud? Forgive me readers! Sometimes the intense stress of being me seeps out of my sweat holes and into my pie hole and out of my finger holes and erupts in all sorts of insanely mysterious ways.
What I MEANT to say was – LOOK EVERYONE! I am wearing my mint green chemise again! And as usual, it has nothing to do with this post! Except that actually it does! Because I am making a special lunch for Marlboro Man and I aim to take it downwind to the upper northern eastern western forty and serve it to him a la ME in a mint green chemise! Mmmmmmm. Doesn’t that sound delicious! Marlboro Man for lunch and ME for dessert! Yummy!
So gather around cooking retards! Prepare to be slain right through the sweaty pie hole with my sandwich cleverness!
First off you want to grab yourself a hunk of lean tenderloin…
Or rump roast.
Or flank steak.
Whatever makes your hiney tingle!
Even though I work and live on a fourth generation cattle ranch, I still buy all my meat at the Wal-Marts. I have no idea why I do this.
Slice up an onion. If you don’t know how to slice up an onion, I have prepared an excellent tutorial here. It’s basic. It’s simple. It’s ethereal. It’s for people with very minimal brain function.
This is how Marlboro Man likes his sandwich. Simple and unadorned.
In that way, he is much like a child.
Which explains why I often lactate when I think of him.
But for my sandwich, I am going to add a little south of the border spice.
I love the heat!
the hotness!
Bring it to me baby!
Peppers!
Heavenly!
How did I get so clever!
But this is only the beginning!
There are so many ways to spice up a Marlboro Man Sandwich!
How about a hunk of cheese!
Mmmmmmmmm.
Cheese is my life.
I like to throw in all sorts of cheeses!
And nothing shall thwart me!
It’s essential.
Why not insert a pickle!
Or two!
OR THREE!
I know!
How do I THINK of these things!
Sluuuurrrrrrrrrp!
They are so hard to swallow!
So for lubrication, you might want to add some butter at this point.
It will help everything stick together and slide down so much easier!
If you’re into that sort of thing!
Bacon!
Is any sandwich complete without bacon?
Is anything in the world complete without bacon?
Bacon is my life.
Half and half!
Glorious!
Cilantro!
I love cilantro!
It’s green.
It’s leafty.
It’s the right thing to do.
And then because it’s Wednesday….
Add a sprig of dill on top!
And then do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around!
Sandwich Scrumptiousness!
I can’t wait to see the look on Marlboro Man’s face when I show up on the range with this for lunch!
He is going to be SO SURPRISED!
Amen.
I am crying right now! This is my favorite post ever.
These are so brilliant. I’m so done with PW, and I’m thoroughly enjoying your satire. Bravo!
We need to coin some new words for funny and hilarious. They don’t do your work justice.
Sausage Sandwich!
I actually snorted…
The raw bacon!
*gag*
Broke back sandwich is best served with a side dish of Bush’s Grillin’ Beans!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! hahahahhahahahhahhaha
Cat Chaps and Emma:
omg….broke back sandwich!!! what a perfect descriptor!
” I detest a dry sandwich!
They are so hard to swallow!
So for lubrication, you might want to add some butter at this point.”
Shaking my head at this point….
and three pickles uh, yuck.
This post (along with many of your other parody) is simply award winning. The photograph of th sloppy sandwhich and those sexual overtones…omg! ‘wineinmy glass’: you can add “insert pickles” to the above list for sexual.
Pie Near, you are great. YOu are just great. I am waiting for the sasson underwear parody now. You gotta give credit to PW for handing you good material. O my god, she is such a freak. And you are a genius. A FRICKING COMEDY GENIUS!!!
Classic!
Are you trying to KILL ME??!! I hee-hawed so hard that everyone in the house came in here to see what I was laughing at! Good Lord, you are hilarious. I can hardly catch my breath! INSERT A PICKLE!! Bwahahahaha.
Have to say, hilarious. BEST post by far. ROFL
This is so hilarious!!!! I loved the clumps of Parmesan cheese!!! What’s up with the orgy going on??? Who cares! It’s funny!!! (Maybe she can’t satisfy her man.) Oops, did I just type that? How did that happen?
I love it……”Broke Back Sandwich”!!! The sexual overtones (or is that undertones) were spot-on….awesome!You keep getting better and better!
Yay– I am the first one to comment! I can’t believe I am the first one!
Damn. I am not the first one to comment after all. My computer is too slow.
You’re first in our hearts though (after PNW of course)
(For those of you who read Pioneer Whore religiously, you already know the above “I’m first!!!” was a nod to all her sickeningly goopy readers having a little conniption fit when they get the “honor” of posting the first comment.)
Rechelle, I love this post about the Manwich. And! Love the half and half. And! What about the “because it’s Wednesday…”
Besides!
You are the best parody-ist on the planet.
Okay, Pie Neer, got a new one for you. The Iced Coffee! “Iced Coffee is my life!” Yes, it is there on the Pioneer Whore-wide web. (Go look, I’ll wait here.)
“Pour coffee…
over ice…
add half and half…
(bacon if desired…)
voila!
Iced Genius Coffee!”
love you more than my designer (leather, made from cows) luggage–
MOV
And!
Pioneer Whore’s original and utterly Genius Iced Coffee recipe post already has 474 comments fawning on about her genius and perfection. Gag. Please put a Xanax in my Genius Iced Coffee.
The best and easiest way to make iced coffee is to do it the Greek way, with Nescafe and to use a frappe maker. PW’s way is such a palaver. I was gobsmacked when I saw it. Wonder who she stole the recipe from.
Palaver. Thank you for making me use dictionary.com to look up your $20 scrabble word. Feels good to stretch the brain. (Ouch.)
Please – share the findings! I am too tired to look it up myself.
Palaver is one of my favorite words. I just think it is funny to that there is one word to sum up what might otherwise take a few words to describe. Well that doesn’t sound so funny spoken out loud. I just enjoy language. Wait shit now I am the palaver.
If you really want to enjoy her iced coffee MOV, add some whiskey with the xanax. I’m guessing that’s what some of her readers do because no one would get hiney tingly or rapturous over iced coffee you were one her readers and as sure as I’m sitting here, most of them sound like they are toking, drinking or taking something.
you do know the “V” in MOV stands for Vodka?
Dang! I was hoping it stood for velociraptor.
I love, love, love Pie Near Woman! Rechelle, just PERFECTION!
My favourite is:
“insert a pickle, or 2, or 3.”
BRILLIANT!!! And the accompanying picture was priceless.
THIS is my kind of comedy. It truly is. I hope someone points a very lucrative deal your way, and you make a shitload of money off this stuff. MORE money than the mighty REE!!!!
..Stella..
That is some sandwich. The picture of all those delicious ingredients thrown together…pickles, cilantro, butter, raw bacon…and fresh meat from The Walmarts. Half and half. A sprig of fresh dill. The whole post is classic in a Brokeback Mountain sort of way.
Rechelle, you are brilliant. Do you want to know why? Can you handle the truth? CAN YOU HANDLE THE TRUTH???
For realz, it is easy to make fun of people. It is easy to try your hand at satire. But to write GOOD satire–really good, “Daily Show” or “The Onion” quality satire, takes a lot of talent. You are a great satirist, and that is a true gift. Thank you for sharing it with us!
Take a look at thisisindexed.com today……..a meeting of sarcasm, parody and satire. If you appreciate PieNear, you will get a smile out of this!
You have her writing nailed down to perfection. Except yours is wittier, funnier and better!
Just when I think you can’t get any funnier. Good Lord. I’m laughing so hard that I’m sweating like crazy. I have a problem. Tap, tap. Is this thing on?
Has Mad Magazine been in touch? I mean you are the BEST! God woman you are brilliant. PW’s pathetic prose is full of sexual innuendo so she provides great fodder.
Is this where I enter to win the mixer in the color of a decomposing pumpkin?
Sorry! That was last week. This week we are featuring mixers with lace bibs painted on them.
That was the funniest Pie Near yet!!!
I meant to say, “Not your Bush, Pie Near” grillin’ beans!
OMG! I feel so violently violated by this comment!
Palaver, meaning of:
Verb: Talk unnecessarily at length.
Noun: Prolonged and idle discussion
(Pretty much Pioneer Whore’s entire website????????????)
best,
MOV
MOV…..thanks for the definition! I just used the word copious here at work and this idiot looked perplexed and said ‘whatever that is’ and went back to staring at her computer. It wasnt worth the energy to ‘splain.
I think the whole world is going to hell in a hand-basket. I cannot believe the kids I have run into, graduates all, who do not know the simplest of words. Not to mention they can’t even spell the ones they do know and have barely any hand writing skills.
OMG!!!! New favorite word! How can I go on and on and on about my love for this awesome word? Must find way!
And, in PW’s case it means a load of shitty drossy bollocks.
But what about the mayo? Great post PNW!!
I totally should have added some mayo. What was I thinking?
P.W. homeschooling Mom extraordinaire—you spelled “dessert” wrong. gahhhh.
Dammit! My stupid assistant has screwed up again! I guess this Gucci bag I bought for her in NYC while I was filming my segment for the QVC is going straight into the TRASH CAN!
heeheehee, unless, you actually meant to say “desert”. . .
I feel a moment coming on here, a moment of channeling Pioneer Whore’s “Mean Ol’ School Marm”, but here goes:
Desert– like Sahara (one “S” in Sahara)
Dessert– like Strawberry Shortcake (two “S”s in Strawberry Shortcake)
Now you will remember forever.
(Pie Neer! Do a Mean Ol’ School Marm parody on the difference between Me, Me, Moi, Myself, I, and Me!!!!!!!!!!!!)
More than 50 years ago (yikes!) in 7th grade I learned that the desert is sere and one gets dessert in the sweet shoppe.
Pie Near Woman,
Remember the graduate school discussion on Rechelle’s blog? Forget schooling, seriously, make some copies, slip them in envelopes and send them off to SNL and any other parody magazine you can think of. You’re better than “Jane, you ignorant slut”
MOV: you are a plethera of information. seriously, those are good tips.
Susan, which tip? the Xanax in the iced coffee? that my new name is velociraptor? that we should all eat more strawberry shortcake?
Or that my favorite blog in the WHOLE WIDE UNIVERSE-NET is Pie Near Woman (after my own blog, of course)? (Seriously, how do you get those Barbies to all pose the exact way you want them to?)
MOV: I was referring to the tip for differentiating between the spelling of dessert and desert. great.
Help me Rhonda, I just snorted my ice coffee outta my schnoz.
Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.
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Girl, your site just slays me. This is easily one of the best parodies that I’ve ever seen. I found your site yesterday (apparently, I’ve been under a rock) and the “about” page had me crying with joy.
You deserve a Webby.