Inside the Pie Near Woman

THE BREAD!

Posted by Pie Near Woman

Whenever I have friends or family over for dinner they always ask me one question…

Are you going to give us large sacks of cash like you did last time?

And I always smile and say…

Yes, I am making THE BREAD.

And then they say…

What about the sacks of money?

And I say…

I know, I know… THE BREAD… I am making THE BREAD.

And then they say…

When you say bread do you mean fat stacks of dollar bills in a grocery bag?

And I say -

It’s a foregone conclusion… even though that doesn’t make any sense at all.

.

And then I smile…

I smile because I married a ranch tycoon and you didn’t.

I smile because when I post a photo of my dog on the internet, I make like ten thousand dollars.

I smile because I wear flowy gypsy tunics with angel sleeves while working over an open flame.

And I smile because there are currently three naked cowboys sitting on my counter-top.

..

.

.

Take a piece of bread…

Place it in the toaster…


Turn your toaster all the way to blackest black of blackness blacker blackity black black.

This is brown.

You want it black.

Oh baby.

Do you ever want it black.

Blacker.

Way blacker.

Waaaaaaaaay blaaaaaaaacker.

Think of the blackness of Seal’s purply black scars.

And then think of Heidi.

And then think Seal and Heidi together.

In a giant tub of Butter.

We’re smokin’ now!

See that black part?

That’s where the flavor is.

That is the seasoning.

You know what happens next.

Yes you do.

You know you want it!

THE BUTTER!

I love butter so much!

The soft, silky texture.

The way it feels against my skin…

And my tongue!

And my face.

It’s so firm and unyielding…

Until you warm it up…

And then it changes.

To something slick and slippery…

And so, so deliciously satisfying…

I want to marry butter!

And have butter’s little butter babies!

I want to feel the butter’s babies inside of me!

Swimming around in my tummy!

Oooooh!  I can feel their chubby butter kicks!

I love my chubby butter babies SO MUCH!!!

I WANT TO HAVE BABIES WITH MY CHUBBY BUTTER BABIES!!!!

Come here chubby butter baby!

Come to mama!

Mama loves you so much!

Eating THE BREAD…

It’s like eating a chubby baby made of butter!

My own chubby butter baby! (That is actually the baby of my other chubby butter baby who is the baby of me and butter!)

It’s the perfect crispy crunchy complement to anything you could ever want to eat!

Try it this weekend!

Served with some cowboy tenderloin!

And then make your guests put on your flowy tops!

And then give them a big bag of cash.

Love ya more than my luggage!

Pie Near Woman

Comments (talk about me please)

  • roflmao *gasp* roflmao!!!

  • kathie

    Oh, funny. More internet mockery. Except it’s mocking a person and her family, someone who invited you into her home, for whatever reason. I just don’t get how it is funny, insightful, or adds to any dialogue about her website.

    I am by no means Ree Drummond’s bitch, but I really am uncomfortable with making fun of someone in a public forum. Kinda like junior high, ya know?

  • Procrastamom

    Is it weird that the whole time I was reading this post I was picturing you finding this Barbie at the WALMARTS and thinking “aha! She’s perfect!”

    Cause really? She’s perfect.

    • Rechelle

      Procrastamom – I know! She’s actually a LUCILLE BALL DOLL! Holy Shit!

  • Carry

    Holy Hell, will you marry me?

  • Debbie

    I’m laughing so hard I’m crying.

  • Sonya Gregg

    I just found you today…Thank you!

  • Angie D

    ohmygod that was some funny shit! Hee-lar-ee-ous!

    Did you read her post about her boy playing football and she is ogling MM from the stands and says he’s… ” the one wearing the charcol gray shirt and the unbridled virility”…Gaah! she makes him sound like he walks around with a hard on just looking for someone to breed. She needs to keep those thoughts inside her own head. But I think she gets off on all the women agreeing with her about what a studmuffin he is.Crazy lady.

    • Aggie

      Oh I SO had the same reaction … “unbridled virility” … sexy hoo ha … hubba bubba babay … those sexy chaps …. AD NAUSEUM
      Like she’s the only person in the Western Hemisphere who has a nice looking husband
      My DH is a darn handsome guy but I don’t go on and on and ON about it !
      Oh WHY do I go back and look at her site ?? It’s like looking at a car wreck, you just keep looking even though you know you shouldn’t …

  • I sat here for about ten minutes in awe of your bitchiness, sarcasm, wit, balls and creative mocking skills.

    I have nothing to say except….

    I love you. Hard <3

    Also: Your above attributes make my heart go pitter patter.

    (OH! OH! One last thing. When you mentioned gypsy sleeves while cooking over an open fire, I immediately thought of the scene in Soprano's where Tonys girlfriend is making him eggs in a Kimono and sets herself on fire. *Nods*)

  • Action Squirrel

    That was good. Haaaaaaaaa

  • OMG! You made me laugh so hard I snorted! Thank goodness everyone else in the house is still asleep.

    Is that the I Love Lucy barbie? I never noticed how manic she looks. But perfect for this!

    • Rechelle

      Kelley – How did you know about the I Love Lucy Barbie? Did you contemplate creating this same post?

      • No, I would have never thought to do this! LOL! My shameful confession is that I used to collect Barbie. Then I sold them all on ebay! But I still look at them when I’m at the Walmarts or the Targets.

  • Mary

    Brilliant. Brilliant on so many levels.

  • Kiara

    That doll is going to give me nightmares…
    Also, is that Phoebus and Shang I spy?

  • Bridge

    This comes across to me as sad, pathetic, jealous and not funny. Seems like the point of your blog lately is just mocking the Pioneer Woman and not artfully or well. Or worth reading. And so, I won’t be reading anymore.

    • Oh come the fuck on. That was funny. How can you NOT find that funny? Ah well, carry on wanking over PW’s bullshit and virulent husband ^_^

      • susan

        wanking – very British word and your reply very true.

        • km

          I also use “wanksplash” to describe a person and it really just sums some people up.

        • Bridge – go stick a stick of butter up if it will fit! This site is better off without the like of a tight ass like you! Now go eat some burnt bread!

    • I bet Bridge left here and immediately ordered “Pioneer Woman-King James Version” from Amazon.com.

      • This comment made me laugh more than the post. I LOLed so loud the dog looked at me weird.

      • Leah

        HAHAHAHAHA! Best reply *ever*.

    • Debbie

      Are you for real? Ree is the one mocking her readers by posting a recipe for BURNT TOAST and passing it off as The Bread. As one of her readers, Sue, mentioned in reply to comment #42, it was insulting.

      Grow a sense of humor.

    • Not artfully? Hello, it takes a lot of work to pose the barbies and I bet it was hard to balance that stick of butter on her little twig-arms!

      Rechelle has moved on from the p-dub nonsense, but really, how can you not make fun of a blogger who burns toast and then makes a whole post about it as a recipe?

  • Cassie C.

    BAHahahahahahahahahahahaha! Even better than I had hoped!

  • Cherie

    Now THAT’S funny!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Kathleen H

    This is hilarious….like SNL on steroids. Funny but oh so true!!!!

  • Lacey

    F###ing Hilarious!!!

  • Evelyn

    Comic genius! Thanks for the laughs this morning!

  • LucyJoy

    Priceless!

  • Alison

    I am dying – that was the funniest thing I have seen/read in a LONG TIME.

  • Alison

    And to all the haters – you’re just mad you didn’t come up with it yourselves ;-) And she’s not being mean, she’s being truthful!!!! and I like PW!

  • susan

    You are a genius with your sarcasm and wit. So great to start my workday laughing at this.

    All the usual naysayers just need to go elsewhere.

  • DirtyKSmama - Nikki

    Brilliant! I think I hurt myself laughing and snorting.

    I will not look at my old Barbie’s the same when my daughter plays with them. I have Marie Osmond and Dorothy Hamill.

    And to the haters – think Saturday Night Live, Jon Stewart, Tina Fey as she calls it “goofing on” Sarah Palin, etc..

  • Mo

    I could read a hundred more posts just like this!

  • Marissa

    You write best when you aren’t wallowing in some weird hatred of a woman you met once. I’ve enjoyed some of your other posts, but the obsession is a little weird.

    • Rechelle

      Marissa Darling – I am almost always ‘wallowing’ in some kind of hate and I am far more than a ‘little weird’. Next time get your facts straight.

    • Bridget

      I think that an obsession with the pie near woman is weird. Not saying that you have one. I am just saying in general. I think that Rechelle is trying to poke fun at people’s obsession with her and she is damn funny when she does it.

  • Jennifer

    Sacrificial butter! Two sticks for the sake of comedy–I suppose it’s worth it.

    I don’t follow PW any longer–I’ll admit you were the straw that broke the camel’s back, but I was getting tired of the dog. And this was months ago–so the dog still gets center stage, huh?

    Hope you watched Glee last night–curious as to your opinion on it.

    • Emily

      I’m glad to see a “guest piece” rundown of last night’s Glee on friendlyatheist. I knew people would be talking about it. I definitely felt conflicted about the portrayal of atheism/religion, but Kurt’s performance of “I Want to Hold Your Hand” almost made me cry.

      On point…LMAO @ pie near woman.

    • Rechelle

      I saw what Hemant wrote on Friendly Atheist, but did not watch the show. Curious now – may have to watch it.

  • Suzanna

    Your cattiness, mixed in with the wit, continues to amaze me. I am still WAY curious to know exactly what happened between going to the PW ranch and your loathing of PW that got your panties all bunched up!

  • Lgirl

    Makes me wish I knew more about this Pioneer woman.I can’t stay on her site for more than 30 seconds but Have never seen a photo of her dog.

  • Funny Quote

    Rechelle: This has nothing to do with the above post, but my friend wrote this and it made me think of you.

    Christianity: The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree… yeah, makes perfect sense.

  • Kim K. in Western PA

    You made me pee my pants laughing and now I am sitting here in my dirty pee pants posting a comment. And I’m at work. We’ll this is a fine kettle of fish reading your post got me into. Note to self: Read Rechelle after work. Saves embarrassment.

  • Sue D

    Okay, so I admit I still read PW daily…..read what I like, click over what I don’t (any animal shots).

    But, I have to admit that was clever, funny, creative and one of the funniest things I have read in a long time.

    Kudos to you.

    • Tracy

      I still read it sometimes, if only to marvel at the way she has marketed herself. But I appreciate Rechelle’s version of “keepin’ it real” and telling us about the struggles she’s had with her faith, etc. WAY more!

  • Samantha

    I bow to your comedic genius.

  • Rachel

    Love. It.

  • WOW.

    Someone sent this to me as a spoof of Pioneer Woman and I have to tell you…At first I thought it was funny. However, I went back and read some of your significantly nasty posts in regards to PW and I cannot begin to express the level of disdain I have for this blog now.

    This blog is full of hypocrisy. Doctor’s wife vs the Rancher’s Wife. Pot? Kettle? HELLO. It is one thing to criticize or judge her general overall blog if you don’t like the context you simply don’t like it. However, common sense says if you don’t like it, don’t go back to the site. Instead you continually go back to find more blog fodder for yourself..a little something here and there to make your little “Mean Girls” clique over her feel a little more justified in what is obviously jealousy.

    Yes, I am sure your 40 or so comments are full of women who will revolutionize the world in comparison to the 15-30k comments of vapidness. It’s been awhile since I’ve written on my own blog. Perhaps when I am feeling a spurt of the Queen of Snarkiness™ coming out in myself, I’ll be sure to send my particular brand of snark your way. I’ll make sure to screenshot my way through both your blog and PW’s blog…if nothing else perhaps it will give you a sense of where your issues really lie with her.

    • judy

      Jill, have to agree with your comment about hypocrisy. And, if Rechelle hates PW and her blog so much, why ever read it and use it for your own purposes?? Rechelle, write your own blog, without trashing someone else. You do have some interesting things to share (whether agree with or not) without bashing PW.

      • Rechelle

        Judy, Judy, Judy.

      • Samantha

        Jill, Judy…….next time you are out shopping, pick up some senses of humor, the large sized boxes….aisle 3 I think.

        • Hun I have a sense of humor bigger than most. It’s one thing to pick an an adult woman…as I said THIS post was kind of funny. However, some of the absolute NASTINESS written in reference to her children is sickening, vile, and not worth another peek or comment here.

          If you, Samathna, think that it is appropriate to degrade children, then perhaps you should go shopping for some humanity, integrity, and most of all maturity.

        • Jenny

          I missed any posts on here that make fun of her kids. However, I have read several posts on PW’s site in which she mocks her disabled brother, which is why I stopped reading her.

        • Samantha

          Jill dearie, do really believe that the Pioneer Woman blog is about a REAL woman and her family??? It’s not, that whole “keeping it real” is just a tagline, a gimmick, a cover for a business to get an audience to sell things so maybe you need to grow up and stop taking fairy tales for truths.

    • Aggie

      OH … Jill … you poor poor dear … you’re one of THOSE people .who DON’T have ANY sense of HUMOR aren’t you ???

      One of those tight lipped, up tight, grim faced women we see, tsk tsk

      PLEASE go express your level of DISDAIN someplace else !!!!!!!!!

      PRONTO !!!!!!!!!!!

  • km

    Oh sweet lord that was funny.
    And is it me or is MM not at all attractive? love is blind I suppose

    • Michelle Z.

      Also? I’m not that impressed by his ass or his forearms, but she goes on and on about both. Every time she shared another picture of his arms, I would scratch my head and wonder what everyone else was seeing that I was missing.

  • Sheri

    I heart you bad!! You put the “Snark” in Snarky and I couldn’t have laughed harder!! Keep up the good work. :)

  • Oh My God that was hilarious!!! I can’t believe you passed up chance at the mocktastic making ‘viril mm at the game’ post though.

    Perhaps you can get on that now that you’ve a Pie Near Lucy doll…

  • My kid, who’s home sick, thinks I’m having convulsions. I’m laughing too hard. You kill me woman. And how did a woman with 4 boys end up with the I Love Lucy Barbie and the guy doll from Mulan?!!!

  • Vee

    You are too funny! I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my chair!

  • Jenny

    PW must have that doll too–looks to me like its wide blue eyeballs are the inspiration for the photoshopping she does to her poor children.

    • Oh, you sad what I totally think! Those kids look like Children of the Corn! Why, why would she do that to them?

  • Linda

    I need to have my cable tv cut off and just stick to reading your pw post they are more interesting than anything on TV.
    Keep um coming……. Fucking hilarious.

  • Oh. Em. Gee. RECHELLE! You’re killin’ me over here!

    I think I love you.

  • Debbie

    Ree has been republishing lots of old recipes lately. Easy money, probably. Recycle some old stuff and kaching, cashflow. Would the republushing of her pecan *pie* just now be a coincidence?

  • annmarie

    Posts like this keep me coming back. You really are clever and hilarious.

  • Anne

    This is so GD funny; I’m LMAO at my desk!! And I had just briefly scanned PW’s blog…it’s getting worse and worse…

  • annmarie

    UGH! After I read this I went over to PW – I couldn’t help myself, it’s like watching a train wreck. I can’t turn away. Her whole site is really barf-inducing and I don’t know why anyone is getting mad at you for making fun of her.

  • is it wrong that I love this post so much that I’ll now stalk you forever?

  • Lee (sometimes known as Another Lee)

    You know, I can totally picture Ree laughing at this post. It is a damn near perfect satire and she should be flattered at that you’ve directed your genius in her direction. It was thrilling to find something so ball-bustingly funny in my feed reader today – thank you Rechelle!

    • Rechelle

      I think she would laugh at it too.

      • Funny Quote

        The fact that the makeup on the Lucy Barbie just makes the doll look insane is enough to cause anyone to laugh. Lucy looks like a clown. She deserves better.

  • Martha in Kansas

    Dear Luzie, thanks for the detailed ‘splainin’. I think I understand The Bread better now. But why didn’t we get a close-up of Rickie’s butt? Doesn’t Recelle have a Rickie doll too?

  • Sara

    HOLY SHIT I almost died l was laughing so hard I could not even breathe!!!!!!

    FANTASTIC POST!!!!!!!

  • Very funny post, comments are even funnier.

  • Amy

    Rechelle

    I read your post this morning and it got me thinking about the recent suicides of those who were the victims of bullying. The only thing these victims were guilty of was trying to find their way in the world and to be who they were. Because of their desire to live a life that was meaningful to them, they were bullied/ridiculed because certain aspects about them offended others – much in the same way as how the Jews offended Hitler.

    Many of the comments here imply that your parody of PW is a harmless jab at a woman who deserves this kind of mockery because of her lifestyle and personality. I suspect that Dharun Ravi and Molly Wei thought the same of Tyler Clementi.

    My question is: How does your behavior towards PW differ from those of Ravi and Wei? This is not a rhetorical question. I am genuinely interested in hearing your take on this as well as the thoughts of others. This question is in no way drawing a line in the sand – I’m really looking for a good discussion and perspectives.

    I try to live my life without double standards, so it’s hard for me to understand why we tolerate/embrace certain behaviors from some, but not from others. What motivates us to pick and choose who deserves our respect and humanity?

    There are many levels of bullying, but fundamentally bullying is cruel and wrong. There’s no way of getting around that truth. Your stand regarding the foulness of the Westboro Church is very clear. What I’m trying to understand is how your dislike of PW differs from their dislike of homosexuals. I’m trying to understand why you feel that it’s okay to publically mock and denounce PW, yet you find the Westboro Church members morally irreprehensible when they do the same to those whose sexual orientation differs from heterosexuality? Are they not excising the same platform as you? Gays offend them. PW offends you.

    Fundamentally, you both are expressing your feelings towards those who assault your morals, ethics and sense of right and wrong.
    Again, my intention is not to be combative. I truly would like discourse with you and others regarding my perceptions.

    Thanks….Amy

    • Rechelle

      Amy – The difference is that PW makes a choice every single day of her life to come across as a seventh grade girl with a head full of blue birds, pimping products, displaying her immense wealth, roiling in conspicuous consumption, refusing to ever address anything with more substance than a designer high heel and living her life by a Marketing 101 course book – including photoshopping her babies and her stupid dog to ludicrous perfection. In comparison – gay people are simply gay. They can do nothing about it – nor should they because they are wonderful just the way they are (except for gay people who are asses). It’s about choice dear. People who make dumb choices (over and over again) are prime material for ridicule. People who are dealing with issues they cannot control – are not.

      • Megan

        Plus, I must add, these gay boys who killed themselves aren’t famous and are not putting themselves on display for public consumption on a daily basis. Additionally, for every Rechelle there are 200 ass kissers waiting to lap up every disgusting recipe, photo or innuendo that PW issues.

        Seriously can not even believe that this is being compared to the bullying that those boys were put through to make them take their own lives. They weren’t famous until their deaths. They were just regular CHILDREN trying to attend school and live PRIVATE lives. Absurd and actually pretty sick that someone would dare compare the two.

        • Amy

          Megan
          My posts are about bullying – they’re not about whether being gay is right or wrong, or about defending the lifestyle of an affluent blogger. I’m sorry that I didn’t make that clear enough for you.

          I was merely using the recent events as an analogy to spark discourse on why bullying is subjective for some.

        • Megan

          I’ll try to use small words. Clearly YOU missed my point that PW is a public figure and sad gay boys are not. I never once mentioned whether or not gay is right or wrong, you did.

          I say again, if YOU put your private life out there for public consumption on a daily basis and sell your family to the public daily, you open yourself and your family to analysis by the public, favorable or not. Gay boys living a private life, do not. Understand the difference now? Probably not.

      • Amy

        Some in the anti-gay community would disagree with you on the assertion that being gay is not a choice and they would have a litany as long as yours to substantiate their stance (this is me playing devil’s advocate).

        My point is that there is a counter point to everything.

        What I’m hearing you say is that it’s okay for you to mock PW because of the flaws you see in her – that she deserves to be ridiculed based on a lifestyle that you find morally bankrupt; that you basically do not value her or what she’s about because she offends you. Bigots and racists justify their mockery and degradation of others for the same reasons.

        What I’m trying to understand is how bullying in any form under any circumstances is alright with so many people.

        Non-rhetorical question: what is there to gain by bullying people?
        Does it give one a sense of power? Does it serve a higher purpose? Is the world a better place when we bully others?

        I guess I find it difficult to justify poor or destructive behavior of ourselves or others under any circumstances. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been guilty of letting my emotions get the best of me and I’ve said and done things that I’m ashamed of. I don’t like myself when I choose to act that way. I feel like I’m just adding to the misery that this world suffers from.

        What I’m striving to do now in my life is to be compassionate towards those who do get under my skin. I think a person grows when they act with integrity. I’m also learning that just because you shout the loudest, or throw the hardest and sharpest barbs doesn’t make you the “winner”. The real victory is to be able to share your point of view respectfully. I think a person’s words carry far more weight if they come from compassionate place. Being compassionate towards your “enemies” doesn’t mean that your compromising yourself…it means that you’re willing to honor your integrity and character….you’re hopefully setting a good example for others to follow.

        I don’t see any gray areas when it comes to bullying.

        Thanks for responding.

        • Rechelle

          Well then I hope you don’t watch Saturday Night Live, read Jane Austen, listen to Jon Stewart, Stephen Cobert, watch The Office, or basically anything involving humor today or from the past as it is all based on making fun of people.

          Whatev on the whole ‘choice’ thing. I think the kids who killed themselves because they were gay didn’t see much of a choice in their attraction to the same sex or they probably wouldn’t be dead.

          And people who don’t see gray areas?… They are generally extremely uptight, judgemental, and sorry to say this… but also assholes.

        • Amy

          I don’t think I deserved the name calling Rechelle. I didn’t come on here and attack you nor did I address you with any disrespect.

          I was looking for clarification and the exchange of ideas and perspectives in order try and understand where you’re coming from.

          Well, I understand now.

        • Rechelle

          Amy – I write a blog. I work at a Garden Center. I am not a therapeutic discussion leader guidance counsellor. But I know that PW is absurd and much deserving of ridicule.

        • Amy, poor Amy. You obviously don’t understand comedy.

          Cat

        • Shelley

          I know I’m late to the party here, but I just have to say:

          If I were one of the parents of those boys who were bullied for their sexuality & who committed suicide, I would be FURIOUS at the implication that Rechelle’s post in any way was analogous to what those boys went through. I’m not a parent of one of those boys, but I’m still offended by your implication. To compare satire such as Rechelle’s post to the agony those boys were subjected to is DISGUSTING.

          Amy, you must be one of those people who compares every minor injustice to the Holocaust, right? (As you might guess, those people piss me right off too).

        • @Amy, I think that what you brought up is a really interesting pov and sadly, timely. I appreciated it and have been mulling it over.

          The way that I see it is that bullying is comprised of very personal attacks. There is bullying on the internet, I’ve read it.

          The difference with this post is that it is satire of a particular post of PW’s. (side note: there really, truly, is a post over at PW’s about putting butter on bread & broiling it.) Whatever you think of PW, I think that most would agree that a “recipe” like that is nothing short of ridiculous. Rechelle’s post is making fun of that “recipe”, PW’s language style and copious amounts of photos. Doing so with Lucy and other barbie-type dolls, is well, nothing short of inspired genius in my opinion!

          I think that a post attacking PW (or any blogger) and picking apart their personal lives (people will actually dig up private, personal info about others and their families), their kids, their finances, etc… Doing so in a very vile and acrimonious manner – THAT would be bullying.

          I think that perhaps it’s like the Supreme Court Justice’s statement, when speaking about pornography stated, “I know it when I see it”.

        • km

          how can parodying a business model be bullying?

        • km

          GreeninOC this wasn’t meant as a reply to you, sorry but to Amy

    • Debbie

      Amy, what you don’t seem to understand is that there is no Ree. There is Pioneer Woman. And Pioneer Woman is not a person, it’s a brand. No one knows Ree because it’s a business, not a person.

      There’s a whole marketing strategy behind the BFF method she uses. Every little thing she does is for the pageviews. From the republishing old entries to the posting snippets to up the pageviews. It’s marketing.

      The thing that concerns me more are her readers. I’ve seen over at Mrs. G what they are capable of. Even then Pioneer Woman thinks of her business first. No need to feel sorry for her. You wouldn’t feel sorry for Microsoft if someone made a little fun of them this way, would you?

      • Bridget

        Excellent reply Debbie. That is exactly what is going on here. And satire is satire. Soon it is going to become illegal to satirize someone because it will be taken as bullying, and in this environment of everyone gets a trophy we are going to see any criticism as bullying.

      • p

        The Mrs G incident is what chased me away from PW for good.

  • Kay in KCMO

    66 comments! I haven’t read a single one so my comment will be virginal:

    Jesus H. Christ on a hockey stick! ROTFLMFAO X 10!!! Shit, woman!!!!!!

    What fun you must have had doing this. Jesus. Have to read it again.

  • Jan

    New to this bog. Got a kick out of the post. I’ve been to the PW site, attempted to read/skim the tractor wheel story but couldn’t finish…..every cliche in every romance novel must be in there. Bounced around some of her “confessions” and came away with the impression that PW and MM have pretty big egos that need to be fed. As far as her husband’s looks, build, etc., he’s just a regular looking guy, nothing to write home about.
    I am not an atheist so I won’t always agree with everything that is on this site but I do believe you are indeed “keeping it real,” and I can deal very well with honesty. I plan to check in often.

  • Rechelle FTW!

  • This blog posting will go down in the history of blog postings. In all of my live long years I have never laughed so hard at a blog posting. You need an award. Rechelle, you could easily be a top writer for SNL.

    Butter babies, I am crying laughing. Nothing like laughing so hard you cry.

    Cat Woman

  • Nancy in Ak

    OMG – this was brilliant!!! So so funny! This post should win an award. Where the heck did you find the Lucy Barbie doll???

  • Devil's Advocate

    O Wonderwoman, use your mad writing skills for good, not evil. You have the power, but settle for trite and overdone in this post. Waste of your talent. Anyone that thinks this is clever and creative should spend more time watching SNL reruns.
    Martha in Kansas–funny.

  • Hallie

    I just love a woman with a wicked sense of humor. And for those who worship at the feet of the mighty PW—good grief, people. Mocking the mighty with satire is a great American tradition. Thanks for the laugh of the week—better’n kittens on a Roomba!

  • Robbyn

    I have to go back and reread. There was butter aplenty but I wonder if I read one instance of the word lactate? lol

  • Trudy

    OMG…I almost wet my pants…..thanks for the great laugh.

  • I can see cowboy butts in the reflection from the toaster, one of whom almost seems to be in assless chaps. Is there some underground market in leather for dolls of which we’re unaware? Rechelle, do you have some previously undisclosed information on this that you’re not sharing about Lucille Ball Barbie and her penchant for making burnt toast for her male companions? Do they always arrive to the breakfast table naked, or nearly so? Is the other one commando under his kimono? Does Lucille Ball Barbie know everything about her so-called devoted companions? This could absolutely wreck her ulterior aspirations and I think you owe it to your readers – nay, the world – to share what you know about this situation. Otherwise, it would look like a conspiracy, to which you are party. And you don’t want that. No one wants that. It could destroy the universe as we know it to engage in satire on such weighty matters.

  • Ann

    Oh SNAP! Rechelle, I think you met your match in Amy.

  • nony

    More, please! I’m betting that cowboy Ken doll has a favorite sandwich or two that Barbie could show us.

  • Kate

    Note to self…Do NOT read Rechelle’s blog at work! You really outdid yourself on this one, the barbie is perfect!
    Folks, this was funny, plain and simple. Rechelle is in no way harming PW, and to compare it to the tragedy at Rutgers is offensive.

  • Rachel

    Hmmm. I just found the PW website the other day and I happen to like it. Me, a single, atheist, child-free Obama voter in my 30s. I have to say, she sounds incredibly, herself, and genuine. Her religious beliefs and wealth aside, I think she’s head over heels in love with her husband and I can’t help but be happy for her. She raising four interesting children and has a sense of humor about life.

    Why you enjoy ripping her to shreds I don’t know, but she never has a bad thing to say about anyone, which is more than I can say for you and several others.

    After living in NYC for ten years and finally returning to MI, I’ve had enough snark and mean for one lifetime. I’ll go back to reading PW now. Take care and try not to be jerks to each other.

    • Be sure to try the toast recipe over there – I hear it’s the best ever!

    • Lois

      I appreciate your thought process, Rachel. There’s already a lot of mean out there. I like clever. I like satire—to a point. PDub can be an airhead, but on some days, so am I.

  • Rachel

    And honestly, this wasn’t even that funny anyway.

    • Debbie

      Make sure to stock up on butter! You’re gonna love it, mark my words!

  • Spot on satire of the burnt toast recipe. Satire of course meaning, “vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings held up to ridicule, ideally with the intent of shaming individuals, and society itself, into improvement (Encyclopedia Britannica, 2004).”

  • I’m still laughing…and I even read through most of the comments. THE BUTTER!! hahahahhaaa.

  • Alice

    I know nothing of pioneer woman. Maybe it’s an age thing. I read this twice though and I laughed SO FREAKING MUCH. Would be nice if there weren’t so many downers in the comments. Perhaps you give us more like this but about different people? Please?

  • Catherine McP

    Well I’m still laughing, this was SO great… have you seen Bossys “Barbie theater? Hilarious!
    http://www.iambossy.com/barbie-theater/

  • Michelle Z.

    Is that doll in the bathrobe a Taylor Lautner doll? It looks freakishly like him.

  • Leah

    LOL! Spot on! The Reebots were very excited when Pie Near Woman shared the secret rich people’s recipe for bread ‘n butter. You know….the same way she continually shows the world how to chop an onion. I predict that she’ll soon do an entire photo spread on how to close a Ziplock bag correctly.

    • Aggie

      Yes, we MUST have more cooking and homemaking instructions and how tos from Ree aka PW !!!!!

      She can demonstrate:
      how to sniff food to see if it’s still good or not
      how to go through the garbage can when you drop a utensil in it
      how to scrape the gunk off the stove after a messy meal
      how to properly wash & sanitize tons of dishes
      how to mop floors after feeding a herd of kids
      Can’t wait for more helpful how tos and hints from Ree !

  • Karen

    I admit to reading Pie Near Woman. I like some of her recipes. The salsa, for example, is excellent.

    But when I read The Bread recipe, I nearly fell out of my chair. It was pretty much a “fuck you” to all the Reebots. A Recipe…for broiled bread. Not even GARLIC bread. Just…bread.

    And her assertion that it “tastes almost seasoned” is probably due to the fact that, as she will tell you umpteen times, she always, always uses SALTED butter. Hm. Salt as a seasoning. Who’d have thunk it.

    It was so massively stupid I had to read it through twice to make sure she wasn’t Punking everybody…and I’m not entirely sure, still, that she wasn’t!

  • I don’t know what I would do without Rechelle. Honestly. When I saw that post of The Bread it got stuck in my head that I had to have bread and butter – all day long. And I’m trying to diet. Finally I had to give in to the temptation and then hated myself afterwards and cursed the pioneer woman and swore I’d never go back. Yet, there I was, back the next day. I get the feeling Ree is a kind person but I also get the feeling she likes being better than everyone else – at blogging, at cooking, at being thin, at photography, at design, at writing (sorry, no chance there). Since finding Rechelle, I go to her site less and less, but I still go.

    But this! Pure genius.

  • *holdingmysideslaughing* OMG, I can’t breathe. That’s some funny, funny stuff, girl. You are a creative geeen-e-us. ;D

    Thumbs up!!

  • Em

    Please, please make Pie Near Woman a regular feature on this site!! Must have more, can’t stop laughing!!

    • Debbie

      I second that! Laughed so hard I cried.

    • Debbie

      The buttered rosemary rolls recipe would have been hilarious as well. She puts frozen dinner rolls in a disgusting rusty skillet, brushes them with butter, adds rosemary and salt. End of recipe.

      • Don’t forget PW showed us how to make chocolate milk and fry an egg!

        • Debbie

          I forgot all about that! What was it again? Fourty photos of her pouring hot milk or cream over chocolate? I think she took the recipe down.

        • Julie

          If Rachelle is taking requests for future Pie Near Woman episodes, I’d like to submit the “Now I’m going to show you how to chop an onion . . . AGAIN!”

        • Bridget

          Have ya’ll checked out the recent recipe? Melted chocolate bar, mixed into a tub of Cool Whip and then placed in the freezer. Fucking disgusting. Even some of her followers are coming out against it.

  • Aggie

    OMG … YOU HAVE DONE IT !!!

    You have captured the essence of ALL that is PW !!

    I laughed so much I just woke my husband up !!!!!!!!!!

    Keep up the great work !!!!!!!!!!!

  • Aggie

    PS – PLEASE BRING US MORE PIE NEAR WOMAN SOON !!!!!!!!

  • Jill

    I cannot stop reading this post! It is so f***ing funny. I, too, hope you continue Pie Near woman as a regular feature.

  • All I want to say- is where did you get the dolls with costumes for that piece of photogrpaphic /commentary genius. Seriously- classic!

    Admittedly, I do read PW- but always with one eye open and the other closed….
    You my friend- hit the nail on the head. I especially love the photo where we actually see the “smoke” coming off the toast. (the blackest, blackety, black, black toast…hahah)

    Fabulous!

    ps- have you ever checked out Jen Lancaster’s version of Twilight/Eclipse movies via the dolls on her blog- jennsylvania.com? ….it will make you laugh- but your PW version will forever be burned in my brain…I’m laughing again just thinking about Lucy in a Tutu….

  • Jan Blawat

    You are a total batazoid, but where did you get that groovy Lucy doll? I’m into Cap’n Picard dolls myself.

  • Missy

    Sadly there is a group of people that want her to host SNL

    http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/group.php?gid=115398338502315

  • sandy

    Oh how I wish I had your talent. I love it more than YOUR luggage. I don’t even really like my luggage.

  • Me too

    You are brilliant. And so very talented. I second the suggestions to make Pie Near Woman a regular feature. It’s not mean, more like an SNL parody. It’s funny because it’s true.

    I don’t have strong feelings about PW, but also don’t understand the following. Or the cookbook. I discovered her site a month ago and after looking at older posts, quickly realized that the (meh) recipes repeat themselves like the photos. Saw The Bread post. You captured the nonsense perfectly. I’ve become a follower of your site, and especially liked your post on the Supreme Court 1st Amendment case on military funerals.

    BTW – I went to school with a Richelle, and she’s one of the few people in the world that I can honestly say I hate. You’ve redeemed the name, even if yours is spelled differently.

  • notmuchofacook

    Very good satire, Rechelle. I have to ask: what is the deal with Mrs. G and Pioneer Woman? Did something happen? I confess I read PW every day just as I read yours, but I am confused about the reference a commenter made regarding Mrs. G.
    Anybody?

  • Debbie

    Here’s what happened to Mrs. G.

    http://thewomenscolony.com/home/2010/3/9/intolerance-in-the-first-person-by-heather-g.html

    PW’s readers scare me.

    • Mo

      I just followed that link to Mrs. G’s post to re-read it, and then I followed Mrs. G’s link to her post at PW that caused the kerfuffle, and while the link did indeed take me to the PW site I got an error message saying “not found” — so does that mean PW sanitized and removed it? Or that the link is messed up?

      PW is trifling!

      • Rechelle

        I would have to guess that she took it down. I’ve noticed her doing a lot of ‘mini-posting’ lately where tells her audience she will be blogging throughout the day and then posts two or three extra, extra EXTRA inane stories (usually about her dog). I am wondering if her page views are slipping and she is desperate to keep them up? Also – seriously, those comments – those 300 comments – there is no way they are all real.

        • Very few folks in the basset hound world follow her. Most of us do a fair amount of basset hound rescue and gREEd does none. As far as I can tell gREEd is dismissed by the basset hound community. I feel sorry for Charlie and all of her dogs. Most of them go missing or run over by her husband.

          Cat

  • Bridget

    I BEG OF YOU to please, please make the chocolate cool whip mousse. Melt a chocolate bar, stir in cool whip, place in freezer and call it done. She really is going after those right wing, home school, Duggar lovers. How much can I pay you to do the cool whip recipe? Because I seriously will. Or send you some lovely books that I think you might enjoy.

    • Rechelle

      I am always shocked to discover people eating Cool Whip. But then again, I am equally shocked to discover people drinking Folger’s coffee and eating white bread. I am such a food snob which is unfortunate because I am a very mediocre cook. Oh well – you can’t have everything. I am leaning towards ‘Mustang Gate’ for the next installment of Pie Near Woman. But there is also a burning desire to tackle ‘Relaxed Homeschooler’. Hee hee.

    • Karen

      Oh, that cool whip recipe was RIDICULOUS. She’s posting recipes you can find in any old church women’s group recipe collection. Seriously. Every time she posts one of these recipes it’s a big old giant flip of the bird to the Ree-Bots.

      And then she’ll switch very quickly to a more complicated recipe that is actually, you know, FOOD. Just to keep her laughable credibility.

      • Debbie

        If she is posting recipes, that is. Right now all she seems to do is recycle for pageviews. She’s posted links to three old recipes from her site today. And she does that atleast once a week lately.

  • Linda

    Brilliant! Very funny.

  • Oh so much to say! Rechelle you are the bomb! This was filarious. Kahuna turned the TV down to see what I was cackling about. He pegged PW the first time he read her blog.

  • Anastacia

    Fucking hi-lar-ious! You are so the shit. Luv ya!

    Almost forgot you’re gonna love this; they’re making a book out of her dog. Charlie the Ranch Dog. I shit you not. Comes out in April of next year.

  • Anoria

    This post offends me!
    …but only because you wasted food.

    I’d like to thank the other commenters for pointing out the Mrs G schism. Before I stopped reading PW, the only thing that could get me into the homeschooling section was one of her guest posts. Now that I’m up to date on things, Mrs G’s own blog is on my daily-check list.

    • Rechelle

      Anoria – I used the butter. The toast however… well – it’s compost toast! So not completely wasted.

  • km

    Mrs. G rocks!!!!. And I’m not even a homeschooler. But her suggestions are so balanced and thoughtful and I love her humor.
    Rechelle, every time I read the pienear tweets I die laughing. Add some more.

  • Jo

    LOL! Brilliant!

    • Jill

      I cannot stop reading this post…. I LOVE it…. Rechelle, you absolutely rock…. Please post more Pie Near Woman’s adventures…
      with best regards from Forrest’s girlfriend, Jill

  • Crackingup

    OMG. Just found this site. Great job. I don’t follow PW that often. But I could totally picture her in this. Thanks for the laugh!!

  • [...] Mindless Reebot introduces Ree Drummond by referring to fabulous ‘The Bread‘ [...]

  • taylor5622

    Keep up the great work Rechelle. It’s about time someone exposes PW for what she really is: a huge fraud. Years ago, two books ousted Martha Stewart and her carefully managed image. Like Martha, Ree tries to come off with all this phony “wholesome American family” attitude. Anyone with a functioning cerebellum can see right through it.

    And those who don’t are the ones lining her bank accounts. They’ll be the ones too who’ll flock in droves to the crappy Sony-produced movie. Cannot even fathom how Sony could be so desperate for movie material they would invest multi-millions in this PW nonsense.

    And for those who claim Rechelle is bullying Ree: get over yourselves already. How do you bully the daughter of a wealthy physician who graduated from USC and married a multi-millionaire rancher? Your rants are misdirected. In fact, Ree’s a bully who scams her readers day in and day out and is being compensated handsomely for doing so.

    Keeping it real.

  • another Jill

    I can’t read your blog any more. My pants keep getting wet.

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